I’m losing everything not just my mind

tw sexual assault and drug use

I feel like I can’t tell if doctors haven’t noticed this issue or if I’m unable to recall reality due to memory issues?Since 2016 I started to feel depressed. It came after a period of time when I was feeling really good and studying. I had a partner of 6 years too and one day I just went and cheated on him so we could break up.

My sister had really bad depression when she was younger so I recognised that a short while later and started engaging with my GP and psychologists. They said I had depression and anxiety. So that's what I've been telling new drs when i move and continue treatment again.

I realised recently that my depression keeps coming back and it gets worse. I thought that was just what depression was but then the in between bits started getting weirder. Really bad paranoia and risky stuff like dating clients at work, I had a car acxident at 3am on a weeknight being DD so I could have sex with a dude and then again there was another crash down. I decided to move away and felt good for a bit and then another crash.

During this whole time I have periods where I'm hyper sexual or driving hours to go see someone or do something. I thought it was normal to only need 6hrs sleep or less. Then I found that if you don't sleep for a week and go to hospital they don't take you in anyway?

I have had alot of life stressors in recent years but over summer 2023/24 my life has been destroyed I can't even remember half of the stuff that happened. I'm dealing with custody issues because of my behaviour and I know I was sexully assaulted as I started engaging with random people online and doing alot of drugs too.

During this time I'm seeing a psychiatrist who is giving me stimulants for ADHD which I was told to look into by a dr! The same one who saw me on SSRI and told me to stop after another gp said it was working well. It wasn't. That's the worst up to down I've ever felt.

But this doesn't stay, one day I'm just like I don't wanna do that or I start to feel the depressing feelings creeping in. I like doing certain drugs but I can just drop them I never feel attached or like I need it.

Some days I feel really great but also anxious and angry at everything yet I still won't sleep. When I'm depressed I have bad migraines and sleep excessively often waking up at 4/5 am and napping. I'll cry for no reason or have very dark thoughts and I have internal voices that are being mean to me. So negative I have to yell at them.

I only just figured this out and I don't know when it started. I've felt a massive cognitive decline since then but starting from 2020. I was depressed and did acid and it was gone! but I found acid was boring and didn't feel different from being sober after that so i stopped using it.
Ended up being prescribed antipsychotic medication as I react badly to SSRI. When a new dr asks why I'm on it I can't tell them because I've never been told.

I already think that all these doctors know something I don't and are keeping it from me and talking to each other leaving me stranded. I don't shower or eat I stopped going out unless. With my boyfriend because I get looked at.

I just can't figure out if I haven't been telling my doctor's the right stuff? All I can remember when I go in is how I'm feeling in that moment and they do a k10 to check because I feel the depression is so heavy. I have massive gaps missing from my life and I can tell where I am but not what I'm really doing.

I told my dr a few months ago i felt depressed again and it wasn't going away she said to come back in 3 months. at the start of the year 3 different drs asked if I was screened for bipolar at all and I said no and that was it.

I'm sick of the rage and losing the ability to do things. I feel like I’m losing my brain I’ve tried so many times to tell people how I feel and therapy and medication never worked!

what do I do? I don’t know where to go. I had an ego death. Few months ago I thought I died and was in limbo and my boyfriend could see me as I thought he was the angel of death.