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I don’t really know where to start, but I know I have to

rtesdNew Contributor20 Aug 2024, 7:16 pm AEST

I don’t really know where to start, but I know I have to

I have Type I bipolar disorder. I’ve been diagnosed and medicated for over twenty years, and I thought I had a veritable armoury of coping tools. But over the past couple of months I’ve realised that the only tool I’ve really been using is a shovel to dig holes into which I can throw everything that hurts, and to bury them deep enough that I don’t have to look at them anymore. Lately, all those things that hurt seem to have developed limbs of their own, and they’re digging their way out. And I don’t know what to do with them, but they seem intent on staying.

I don’t have any friends who have any permanent mental health problems. I don’t want to diminish their own personal struggles, but it’s difficult to explain to healthy people that most days my primary goal is getting through that day without falling apart, or that 90% of my energy is devoted to suppressing or masking the symptoms of my bipolar. I’m exhausted. And I’m frustrated that this illness monopolises my time, my energy, my life. And I’m so disappointed, so brutally disappointed with myself. I don’t want to spend the next 20 years repeating the 20 years that preceded them.

So I guess I’m here because I need hope. Hope that I can start to live, because I don’t think that’s something I’ve actually been doing. And I think that starts with support.

Anyway, that’s the long and short of it.

2 replies

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In response to: I don’t really know where to start, but I know I have to

MJG017Senior Contributor20 Aug 2024, 7:27 pm AEST

Re: I don’t really know where to start, but I know I have to

Hi @rtesd, welcome to the forum. I understand a lot of what you are saying. I to used to just bury everything and stick on the 'happy' face when I was around other people. I've always done this until recently, so pretty my 50 years of dealing with everything like this. Then a major health issue came along and all the old coping mechanisms were useless... nothing seemed to work anymore and so much of the stuff from over the years came back real hard. Although now I had the health issue to deal with as well.

So i'm currently still trying to deal with the exhaustion and frustration as well which is one of the main things that brought me here a while back. But because all my old ways of dealing with stuff is useless now, I've been forced to start to find new ways. This has led me to trying things I've never done before. It's still a massive work in progress and I know it will take time, but I'm still hopeful. I wish you all the best with your own situation.

In response to: I don’t really know where to start, but I know I have to

rav3nSenior Contributor20 Aug 2024, 7:40 pm AEST

Re: I don’t really know where to start, but I know I have to

Hey @rtesd welcome to the forums! It's so lovely to have you join us 😊

Feel free to introduce yourself here and we also have a newbie's social circle if you'd like to connect with others. Also a quick tip - you can tag people when you reply by using @ and then typing the username, like this @rtesd - this ensures that whoever is tagged gets notified of your response.

Thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry you've had to hide parts of your struggle with others and mask your symptoms - i know how exhausting that must be. I think it's really amazing that you've reached out here for support, I know it isn't easy admitting you need help and it's even harder taking that step to get it - so I hope you know how strong you are for being here.

I personally don't have lived experience with type I bipolar disorder but I'm sure other members who do have experience will be happy to share with you soon. In the meantime, you could check out some of these threads and see if they resonate with you.

You're definitely on the right track - getting the right support is super important. What supports do you have in place at the moment? If there's one thing I know, it is that you can do this. You can most definitely lead the life you want, and our forums community is here to help you on your journey to achieving that. You are not alone here. I'm here with you. 💗

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