Realising I've been emotionally abused – what to do next?

Hi @sopa

This must be a confronting realisation to have had. I'm not able to share guidance based on my own experiences, but I wanted to reach out and to acknowledge how difficult it must have been to recognise that this behaviour is abusive. I'm glad that you've felt safe to share this here.

It's very understandable to still have hope that this person will change and that you will be able to make it work, I think that's a very human reaction. I wonder if you've reached out for any support for this? 1800Respect provide support and guidance for these very situations and may be a great resource for you while you're processing this and deciding what the next step is.

@sopa

I just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone and feeling for you. Anything else I added would only be unhelpful in my current mindset

What you said about making allowances for ones mental illness while minimising your own pain really resonated with me.

I also care about my wife but it burns that support is one sided. I am grateful we don't have the complications of substance abuse.

Do you have any supports around you to process this? I would highly recommend seeing someone. Starting with GP perhaps. If at first you don't succeed. Try again.

I am also linked in with carer gateway. They have some services that have been super helpful for me.

@sopa So much empathy for you. After 30ish years I am now accepting that my auDHD son is emotionally abusive towards me and it's so difficult to reconcile that with the emotions attached to someone you deeply love. I have a counselling appointment through my EAP today with someone experienced with ADHD and autism. Hoping for some fresh ideas. Do you have paid employment with an EAP?

Gonna try the 'Taking all the help I can get' approach at the moment!!

@Ru-bee some interesting feedback.. I rang 1800respect and briefly explained the emotional/verbal abuse from my son. She empathised for a little bit but told me that they couldn't really help much with that as there was no violence towards me. (I had explained he sometimes throws one of his objects when he's mad but never throws things to hurt people). So I had to look elsewhere. Do you reckon it was just this one person? Given their title including 'respect' I had really thought the manipulative verbal abuse was in their wheelhouse? 🤷🏻‍♀️

That response from 1800respect really surprises me @Lambert and I'm really sorry that you got that response from this person.

On their website they specify that they do offer support for all forms of abuse and violence, including psychological abuse which makes your experience all the more confusing. I wonder if you would feel able to try their services again, or provide feedback to them about your experience?

I'm really glad to hear that you've been able to book in with your EAP and I hope that this is able to make a difference for you.

I wanted to update my post by saying I’ve left my partner.

I discussed the abuse with my counsellor and GP, who advised we have a period of no-contact (to clear my head and recuperate) which we did. After three weeks we slowly and carefully started speaking again, and I saw his behaviour improve. Trust budded back. But I’d set a boundary with my counsellor that my partner could never repeat his behaviour. So last week, when he did, I said: I give up. I realised I was believing in the very best version of my partner, who is loving and silly and kind, and ignoring the reality — that man doesn’t exist. The only version of my partner that exists is Current Him, not Good Him. And while I know and love Current Him, despite everything, I can’t keep holding out for a fiction and putting myself through so much pain.

I wanted to share this in case someone in a similar situation came across this post.

I am devastated, enraged, daunted. I also feel peace.