I want to have a baby ..... but I'm too broken

@RainbowzebraI can understand how working with children would be such a mixed emotion for you. I have a picture of biological brother and myself together when we met for the first time a couple of years ago. After that first meeting, i stopped getting any contact back from him which is so painful. I look at that photo every day and it is still the best memory of my life and now one of the most painful. I thought about taking it down, but as much as that pain is there, I don't want to forget the good memory as that means such a lot to me. So yeah... sometimes things in out lives can be a source of great joy and great pain, but I think the joy part is worth it, for me anyway.

It was the pain of being alone for so long that drove me to do something just about 13 years ago that I wouldn't have even done the day before, or wouldn't even do again! That was putting a profile up on a online dating site. I knew I would never contact anyone, but figured putting a profile up... well someone might see it and like it. almost 3 years late I was about to give up after so little success. I figured I my current subscription was about to expire in a week and that was going to be it for me. Then I got a message from a woman and we are still together 10 years late. I know! It amazes me as well!

The point of my story is sometime our pain can get to such a level we do things we would, in any other circumstance, consider impossible to do. So maybe harnessing your pain in this way may help to force you to do something equally impossible for you. Even something a bit easier, like getting your citizenship. Any change you can make, even a small one, may snowball into something much larger and hopefully happier for you.

You don't need to explain to me about how difficult it is to trust people and be open and honest with them. Anyone how experiences this know exactly how difficult and isolating it is. I'm not sure there ever is "a right moment" other than when you need it to be. But having said that, it's really so disheartening when you reach out to someone and don't hear back. That voice in my head will then start saying "I told you so! I told you to stop bothering people."

You're right, that trust is so hard tog et back once it has been destroyed for whatever reason in our lives. But I found reaching out to people I didn't know while 'hiding' (awful way to put it, but it made me feel safe) behind a keyboard was my first step in learning to reach out and talk to people about stuff. So I would suggest that you keep doing what ever feels safe for you now and hopefully you can slowly start to regain a little bit of that trust and start to be able to use that to trust people closest to you like I eventually (kind of) managed to do. I started 14 years ago, and it's still a massive work in progress but as I mentioned before, even quite quickly in the process it lead to at least one massively positive change in my life. Hopefully you can find a way to do something similar. Reaching out here like you've done, reminds me a lot of my first online attempts all those years ago.

@MJG017 the pain is what finally pushed me to seek out egg freezing as I had previously decided it was our of my reach due to financial reasons and then when I realised it would be too difficult for me to complete the process that was quite a blow out was like my plan B was removed. I'm pleased you found somebody through online dating, everytime I try it I just end up more depressed and frustrated. I hate magic the save repetitive small talk and find it hard to find the courage to go on a date because I have the belief that men are only interested in sex .... which I don't want.

@Bow that's exactly how I feel but I just can't get over the hurdles to start a relationship despite trying and now time is running out.

I'm nowhere near at a point I can apply for citizenship unfortunately but that's another story. So all other doors are closed right now sadly.

@RainbowzebraSomehow it seems to feel worse each time a plan B or C etc fails. It's feel worse than just 'another failed plan' because that internal voice that says "i told you so" gets louder with each failed attempt.

I know exactly what you mean about online dating, as I mentioned, if I ever found myself single again, I wouldn't try it again. I just wouldn't put myself through it again even though it was ultimately successful the last time. I think I see it like I won the lottery, and if I blew all the money it would be like trying the lottery again... lightning just doesn't strike twice.

I would say that some guys value finding someone to share their lives with more than the sex. Yeah, it's probably a very small minority but they are out there. If I was on a date back then and she told me sex was out of the question, my immediate thought would be relief at all the pressure and anxiety that would be lifted. 10 years into a relationship I still have major issues on the intimacy side of things and is probably the major reason I would never try dating again. So I know there are guys out there who wouldn't be so put off by this but finding them is the tricky bit... if they're like me, even if they're on a dating site, they probably don't have the confidence to contact anyone. I don't know, it's hard to speak for anyone else... maybe I'm just extremely odd.

If you ever were to try again, may just be completely up front about how you feel in your profile. It gets it out of the way immediately and if it's a deal breaker for anyone, then hopefully they just move on. You never know, some guy with his own issues, either physically (health wise) or mentally in that department, may respond. Just another perspective to think about. Although I do feel slightly hypocritical even suggesting to think about continuing to try when I've admitted I would find it too difficult but if I only suggested thing I would do myself, then I wouldn't have much to suggest to anyone. So I hope you don't mind.

@MJG017 "Somehow it seems to feel worse each time a plan B or C etc fails. It's feel worse than just 'another failed plan' because that internal voice that says "i told you so" gets louder with each failed attempt."

This sums it up completely I've run it off ideas. Plan A was try and fix my relationship issues but after years of therapy I actually seem to be going backwards instead of forwards. Plan B was just have a baby by myself but I'm in no position to do that right now especially with my current living situation. Plan C was egg freezing to give me more time and now I don't know what else to do and I've lost hope and my mood has taken a serious dive because of this.

Your so kind with your replies thankyou for your words of wisdom

@RainbowzebraNothing seems to hurt more than that feeling we're out of options and/or time. Sometimes it feels like the universe makes things far harder than it needs to be with roadblocks put in the way just specifically for us... things no one else would have to deal with!

So I think you're doing the best you can, tried everything you could think of and then reached out for help support, and advice. Hopefully someone can think of something you could try next, or even suggest someone who would be good to talk who maybe be able to help.

I think the term 'wisdom' may be generous, but you're more than welcome to any thoughts I can offer. I think my having lifelong issues with being adopted myself, has always given me a very strong (and possibly idealised) view of the mother/child relationship. So even though we're on opposite sides of that, I fully appreciate how strong that desire for that bond can be, especially when it feels so out of reach. I think the universe owes you quite a bit of good luck so I sincerely hope that you get some of it soon. So try not to give up completely and keep that bit of hope alive.

I feel exactly the same! I turn 36 on Saturday :(.