Taking things as a Loss/keep trying to tell myself Im ok

Hi Everyone been a while again but need to type things out so thanks for taking time to listen, Lately I seem to be trying to convince myself internally that Im quote Ok even though I feel anything but ok ,I think I have prehaps spiralled into depression ,unmotivation ,Im aldo feeling a bit disaapointed in self for yet again failing in something or maybe just in general over a few things feeling dissapointed in self,at the same time theres some things Ive been trying to avoid either actions that need doing or family related stuff that Im yet to willingingly deal with,and on the issue of family Ive lost contact with family over the last half year or so even loosing contact with the few family that I was still on good terms with,alot of lonelyness has crossed my mind and alot of thoughts cross my mind mainly feeling bitter sweet that I see family at a distance on social media and they seem somewhat happy without my involvement in their lives and yet I feel if I make one wrong move and try to regain contact with family that by doing so I would somehow take away their happiness if I preceded to try to be part of their lives again,basically that because how particular judgements have been made about me in recent years ,it feels like I dont belong even if I wanted to belong it would prevent their ongoing happiness if I tried that so Im more or less a recluse now keeping distance ,but thats not the only reason its also cause I feel Ive lost my voice so to speak ,or lost my ability to feel like a valued memeber of the family,what do you do when you dont belong ? with those whom should feel valueable to ? Ive also really struggled with thoughts of feeling Unloveable or prehaps even not trusted by family and this seemed to all sprial into existence after something trawmatising Id been through,Ive kind of lost my ability to want to communicate with them cause I felt Judged ,and eventually have felt like now I dont belong cause so much time has passed and yet I dont see anyone wanting or willing to talk to me ,Im just on my own now it seems ,but I cant risk harming their happiness and unfortunetly it seems once people who where suposed to love you start to judge you and make opinions of you ,once they decide who they think you are even if what they think about you is wrong how can you possibly change their minds about you if their so hard set on making you feel misunderstood ,thats why its better Im a recluse at least then Im not hurting anyone or burdening them , am safe just needed to get things off my chest ,whoever cares thanks ,whovever listens thanks, I feel my heart has hardened