feeling shafted

I would like to hear from others. My ill father recently told me that his wife, not my mum, has organised power of attorney with her son's instead of him because he's cognitively in decline. It makes sense to him but he still feels left out of the loop as they didn't talk to him beforehand or show him documents. Likewise, my partner of nearly 4 years is extremely reluctant to include me on her medical power of attorney though she is very happy to put me on financial power of attorney . I have no such cognitive issues like my dad.. Instead she has her sister and best friend noted down. I can't bear the thought of being unable to talk with her treating psychiatrist about her health if she goes into hospital again. This is the role of a partner. I understand that she trusts her friend and sister who helped her before we met but it seems antithetical to our current attempts to create a committed relationship to not be at least one of two apppointed people. I feel frustrated and unhappy to feel untrusted. She says it's about my need to be included not her need to make her own decision and while I can see her point of view and her terrifying fear of being controlled in a potentially vulnerable situation, I think it's more'our' need as a couple. I question how committed we are if there's not enough trust for this.

It feels like other couples without mental illness in the mix would do this. Again I'm left feeling that my attempts to treat this relationship the same as previous committed relationships, instead of falling into a carer/patient dynamic, is taking us nowhere. We are planning on moving into a new place together . For nearly 3 years I've reluctantly lived in her (safe) place and she wants to formalise our relationship but this medical power of attorney is a sticking point. Am I overreacting? We have gone to couple therapy and will go again but I'd like to know if other carers would accept this situation.

I've been away for 5 weeks trying to sort out a few things in my head and have come back with renewed investment in the relationship but this just brings me back to square one again. It's like treading water to not be able to talk about a future, make plans, organise power of attomey and wills and move into neutral house territory, all because of my partners fears. We're both middle aged and she has bipolar with other associated issues but wants this relationship to work even more than me , just can't bring herself to talk about what I consider normal rekationship development steps . Help please!.....Jane