I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't believe things will change.

Hey @Umeume, thanks for sharing your thoughts with the community!

It sounds tough with persistent and consistent SI and I understand that it's a lot to deal with. Your resilience and strength keeps you going and demonstrates how brave you are in life. It's good to stay connected when we feel like this here on the Forums with your peers or by reaching out to crisis support to have a chat.

Congratulations on getting a new job and best of luck starting next week! A job is a place to start, and we can work on our carer or choice of carer as we go. Well done!

You have been through a lot, and we need to remember to be kind to ourselves just like we would to someone else in the same position. Practicing self-care is important and I wonder what self-care you do for yourself?

Take care

RiverSeal

@UmeumeI'm sorry to hear things are so extremely difficult right now for you. I read your second paragraph and thought "Is she talking about me?". I've never really been able to form connections with people and that really can make you miss out on so many important things in life. I'm in my 50s now and looking back and just wondering why I couldn't sort these things out years ago and have some more people in my life now. "A nothing person" feeling like a very accurate way to put it.

I don't think I'd say i'm full of hate though, just confusion as to why it's always been so difficult. I suppose there is a lot of disappointment that other people haven't looked a bit deeper when judging me, but since it's always been pretty much every person I just kind of blame myself. So don't feel too bad for not sorting things out by mid 40s. I've only just started reaching out now so I wish I had the strength to work on it 10 years ago. It took a serious health issue for me to even try once I did. It's been such a help to me to hear from people who understand a lot of what I have felt for many years, so please don't feel that wanting to hear something that resonates with you is stupid. I've found it's a massive part of not feeling alone and feeling like I can make thing better for myself. I hope you can find that as well by continuing to reach out like you have here.

Congratulations on the new job though, I really hope it works out well for you. Some extra money never hurts and just getting out and being around people more regularly always helps my mood, especially these days when it doesn't happen very often. So I would just suggest to try and be positive about this job and the positives it can bring. Sometimes I find, it just takes one win, and more start to follow. Best of luck with everything.

Hi @RiverSeal ,

Thanks for your reply!
I'm really not good with the self care! I have unhealthy coping mechanisms, in particular eating and retreating. These days I have been finding it harder and harder to 'just go for a walk' even, which is part physical (due to all that eating) and part mental. I'm finding it MUCH harder to make myself do the tasks that have deadlines now, where as before, although I was and still am a major procrastinator, I could really make myself do it. Now I am close to not caring, which is not a great thing. I am feeling in a better place today than the weekend. Sometimes its a big unexpected wave that I get caught in, and I can't surf it 🙂

Hi @MJG017

Thank you for your reply.

Yeah, I always thought that I just hadn't me the 'right people' for me, but, I am the common denominator in this scenario, so I guess it's all me! I often wonder how I could have made it to this stage in life this way?

I often find I feel resentful, jealous, annoyed, p**ed off at people. For me these make me feel like I am being a hateful kind of person. And the people I feel these feelings toward are usually fine, normal human beings, and especially the kind that seem to have good relationships with others. I wonder if I just missed the boat on all of that in life? And then of course, I feel the guilt. ALLLLLLLL the guilt. I live my life by guilt and fear, it seems.

Thank you re the job. I was meant to start this week, but due to an issue with my background check (previous employer forgetting to respond to the request), I can't start until next week. even this little blip which had nothing to do with me/not my fault, immediately made me think 'these silly little things often happen to me. It's so typical of my life and my vibe' etc etc. I hate how I am so passive in life.

Hi @Umeume. It's so weird for me to see you write about being the common denominator. During the past year when I've finally spoken to people about my own issues, every time I talk about never being able to form strong connection with anyone throughout my life, the one term I've always used in trying to explain myself is "common denominator". If I had from good relationships with some people over the years I could write others of as bad luck or not the right people. But when it seems to go the same with everyone, I've never found a better way to put it than "it must be my fault, because between me and every other person I've been around in my life, I am the common denominator!" My psychologist then tells me I overthink too much, but I think that just shows a lack of their understanding (my opinion only). You spend your life trying to figure out something that everyone else appears to grasp naturally, of course you're going to think about 'why' a lot. I think that's completely normal. Why am I like this when most people aren't? Why do I find it so difficult to understand? Why am I approaching my mid 50s and I still have no idea? It goes on and on. Maybe I do overthink, but I then think about what other choice do I have? It's keep trying to figure it out or give up.

I do feel that resentment and jealousy of people with family and friends around them, but I don't think I've ever felt angry with them... disappointed maybe. Now that I think about it, yeah, maybe angry every now and then, but not too much. Probably because I mainly blame myself. There's obviously something about me that stops people from wanting to spend more time with me than necessary. I could sit here and write until the end of time about what I've thought about this over the many years.

That's disappointing about the delay with your new job. As you say though, completely not your fault, but I think we do tend to focus on these little things more than most people would. They would probably just instantly write it off as a bit of frustrating bad luck, but it's live life has 'programmed' us to assume it must be, at least in some part, our fault.

I think it goes hand in hand with that passiveness you described. If someone gives me the wrong change back, I'd rather lose that bit of money than make a fuss. I might annoy them and they will think less of me. I've always been like that, just do things or allow things I don't wont, just out of fear of upsetting or annoying people. Part of me knows that is not the case, but the inner voice that does think it is loud!

I think you're right. It all comes down to living in fear. I seem to find something to be fearful of in almost every situation. It's exhausting.

Sorry I can't offer much in the way of solutions, but a lot of what you describe feels right out of my own head, so you're definitely not alone in any of this. I don't really know what else to say other that we just have to keep trying, take the little wins along the way and hope for some improvement. Over the past year, since I've stopped dealing with everything on my own and actually started reaching out for help and support I have noticed a lot of change in that way that I think and act, so maybe I'm finally progressing and changes are on the way. Maybe this new job will be a catalyst for some big improvements in your own life.

I wish you the very best of luck with it and i'll finish off with saying I definitely don't think you are hateful in any way, just frustrated and struggling to answer the same questions a lot of us are trying to answer.