The_Other_OneCasual Contributor
No end in sight
Hi all.'
I've just discovered these forums and don't really know what to expect. It's coincided with me finally realising/acknowledging that I'm likely to be caring for my adult son (currently 23) in some capacity for the rest of my life.
He has multiple mental and physical health conditions including depression, anxiety, ptsd, bpd, autism, eds, autoimmune disorders, dissociative identity disorder and recurrent suicidality.
Everyone in our family is neurodivergent - husband has ADHD, depression, social anxiety and avoidant personality traits, my daughter has been assessed as having autism, ADHD and bpd. I haven't been formally assessed but I'm fairly certain I'm on the autism spectrum and I've been diagnosed with bpd (although I'm unsure if I agree 100%) and depression, along with numerous physical/autoimmune issues which have sharply decreased my physical capacity and quality of life. It's a lot sometimes.
At the risk of blowing my own horn, I am the hub of our family. If anything or anyone needs doing, support, organising, advocating, etc, it is down to me. When I ended up as an inpatient in a mental health facility last year due to suicidal behaviour triggered by extremely inhospitable circumstances (homeless for two years in a very remote location with no running water or other amenities during a mouse plague along with psychosocial adversity) my husband and son collapsed in a metaphorical heap and started feeding from and reinforcing each other's dysfunctional beliefs and behaviours. My husband always talks about how he will be our son's carer but observation, reality and experience over decades show that talk is all it is.
Recently my son stopped taking his meds and hid that from me. He ended up going onto a fugue state, got lost and was missing for several days. That was the most terrifying time of my life. When he was found, he was carrying his clothes, had lost his shoes and was wandering on the side of the highway. Apparently all he was saying to the people who found him was "Can you take me to my mum?" and he claims to be completely unaware of what happened over those days that he was gone.
Now I'm administering his meds and running as much support and organisation as I can but he's an adult and there's no guardianship or other mechanism in place, which makes getting information or coordinating his care pretty much impossible when an alter who is generally non-compliant is fronting.
We've discussed obtaining medical and other authorisations for me but he refuses to commit to a timeframe. It's frustrating, exasperating and at this point, honestly frightening to think very far into the future.
I'm not going to lie or pretend to be a saint here - I resent my situation at times. Sometimes I resent it A LOT and my own impulse towards maladaptive behaviours surges. I want to just run away or jump in front of a road train or take up drinking or seriously heavy drugs. I'm in my 50s and I've been a parent since my early 20s. I want a break. More than a break. I want the knowledge that my son has the tools and supports to live independently and the willingness to apply them. But I don't have that. I'll never be able to live for myself. From where I'm standing now, what future I have left is an endless treadmill of obligations and duties with the constant underlying fear that *this night* is going to be when he vanishes permanently, hurts himself severely or worse.
Additionally, while we were fortunate enough to be allocated public housing, we were placed in a regional town that we have no connections in and what peer and social support I had was finalised and withdrawn, with the only advice or referral was "find the local mental health support services and engage with them". Such services are very thin on the ground where we now live and I'm only realising now how much I relied on my previous support worker to just be an ear. I feel like I'm adrift with an anchor chained around my neck.
Dramatic, I know, but oh well - that's my life, no matter what I try.
