Social anxiety and loneliness

@creative_writer Ignoring the bullying was definitely exhausting, but damned if I was ever going to give them the satisfaction of getting the slightest reaction out of me. Maybe in the long run it would have been better to let the frustration out but it felt like the only way to cope with it at the time.

Part of the reading I've done on insecure attachment styles says that often the emotional trauma we get from our parents isnt intentional but down to their own issues when they were children. In a way it makes me glad I never had kids. I always wanted them, but maybe I would have passed this onto them so as painful as it is now to have never got the chance, maybe it was for the best. Which I really dont know if that makes me feel better or worse.

As I said, I'm in my 50s now and Ive only just started to understand some of the "whys", let alone figure anything out! So from my perspective, I would say you shouldn't feel any pressure to have life figured out, especially at 30! There's a hell of a lot to figure out, let alone fix!! I hope your mind gives you a break from the replays tomorrow, sometimes the brain just wont let these things go. Its the main reason I have earely gad more than 4 hours of combined sleep in a night over tge past year or so. I just cant stop thinking about things, and its hard to distract myself from them in the dark quiet of night time.

Happy birthday for last week, I hope it was a nice day for you.

@creative_writerThanks, I hope some therapy helps. Better late than never I guess.

I'll keep some finger and toes crossed that you have a few more of those 'normalish' days on the way soon. Thanks for all the replies, it's been really good to finally chat to someone about this issue, even though it means someone else has gone through it as well, and I would never wish it on anyone else.

@creative_writerI've been seeing a psychologist for about a year. Although that started mainly because of my cancer diagnosis, but as that's progressed we talk more about the life long mental struggles I started to struggle badly with again. I'm on my 3rd psychologist now and I've found them all the same... I talk about myself for an houre, they occasionally point out the obvious or just say "that sounds really difficult for you" It's becoming really frustrating to keep hearing I shouldn't do something I've already admitted that I want to stop but don't know how. i.e., not focusing on the negative, assuming the worst, overthinking etc. It's my only experience with therapy so i'm not sure if this is what it is supposed to be or I just havent talked to the right person. The person i'm seeing at the moment, I have two visits left out of my 10 MHCP sessions, ant I doubt I'm going to continue after that. I think i mentioned before with my last visit where I brought up the attachment styles I had discovered, she confirmed it was a real thing and that it certainly sounds like its the case with me. That appointment ended with her saying "I hope you can get some help with it." So I really don't see the point in continuing. I have found it help just talking to someone about my issues, but I've said most of it by now and I don't have much left to say. How many times can I repeat that I know what I'm doing isn't helpful, but I don't know how to change it?!

I'm still waiting to hear about some counseling with Relationships Australia SA and the PASS (post adoption support services) so I'm really hoping that will help. If that doesn't help, I don't know what else to try. I did have one session with them as it was recommended when I was given my adoption records 2.5 years ago.

I guess it's good news that your depression is only "mild" at the moment, but I'm only assuming it's the same for you in that the really bad days never feel too far away and/or there's not much that can be done to stop them. I can't imagine how bad it must have been the day you went to the ED! I wish there was somewhere we could just go for like a mental holiday and leave all the stress, anxiety, and depression behind and live a few days without any of it just for a break.

Finding a good fit for a therapist can be hard @MJG017 . It’s not impossible to, but it can take time. When I was looking for my psych I looked for someone who specialised in trauma because that’s what I needed help with. I feel like not all therapists are so trauma informed. Attachment is also a type of trauma. I have other traumas too, but I never really realised I had attachment trauma till seeing my current psych. As I mentioned, my parents were loving so I thought everything was well. Though the appointments aren’t cheap, I guess that’s what you get when looking for psychs who specialise. Gap fees for psych is pretty much the norm now anyways.

I hope Relationships Australia and PASS helps, sometimes we just have to keep trying.

@creative_writerI think you're right about finding the right therapist. I will keep 'trauma' in mind if I look for a new one. I did have a recommendation for a local one today who helped her husband with some similar issues. This psychologist is around my age so there maybe a bit more 'compatibility' there. My current psych just almost doubled their gap fee which sucks so another reason to move.

Thanks for the advice. I hope the PASS helps as well, and now with this new recommendation, I feel like there's a little hope returning.

@MJG017 @Blackcloud @creative_writer @Asgard @8ppleTree @ChouxieChou @Appleblossom

Thank you for sharing your experience. It really resonates with me. I also had my share of terrible counselors, including one who just sat back while I was making the decision to sell my home – my security – and give the money to my stepfather.

With those counselors, I definitely felt a disconnect. It was like their advice was straight out of a textbook. The bad ones, anyway.......,.
From what I've learned since then, it seems so important to find someone who has specific experience with the challenges you're facing.

I mean, iv seen my psychotherapist for a long time today NDIS pays her. I used to clean houses to pay for her bill and can't do that anymore. I still see her, we argue -

Me -

' look what you have NOW you lucky..........."

But I must admit to you, in the past she couldn't clothe or buy shoes for her son she was so poor.

How can you do that, though? How do you match up with someone who has your experiences without it becoming a childhood wounds session ? That's the big question.
But reaching out here is a brave step, and I've find it really helps me.
On a slightly different note, I truly believe having a good budget is really helpful, although please don't ask me how to actually do one!
And, I hate to admit it, but yes - it sometimes feels like you understand social anxiety better than I do."

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@PeppyPatti wrote:

From what I've learned since then, it seems so important to find someone who has specific experience with the challenges you're facing.

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I really think that is the key. If i was ever to go back to seeing a psychologist, I would see one who specializes in oncological psychology if i wanted to talk about my health, or one who specializes in attachment if i wanted help with that. I do see an adoption counselor and we do talk about all 3, she's really good. But she's worked with adoptees for many years and understands the trauma there better than most people. I would never discuss it with a psychologist who didn't have that understanding. I just wouldn't find it helpful at all.