StoutSenior Contributor
Synapses Feedback
Ever since I was a bub I’ve been having nightmares. As I grew older the content worsened. All of them contained some sort of attack on me; you think of it its happened. So after such an event I awaken in a blerky hazy state that can last for hours. This is why I struggled to keep a job. When I was younger I was sick as a dog some mornings, and before 8am could not stand waking and getting out of bed. But we have too. To this day and even without nightmares I wake in the form of delirium, much like having a sip of wine upon awakening. Although I was sometimes keen to face the day and get things done, I am held back by the dysfunction caused by dream and nightmare hangovers. This is daily, unless I am really happy, or am deeply focused in some project or distraction. My sober self is affected by the co-habitive hangovers. My entire life has been like this. The effects can be different each day; I might be niggly, frustrated, fearful and so-on. Although I am very clever, this intellectual impediment keeps me from progressing and being stable in life. The soft self is roughed up by what I call pollution.
TW: But here’s the thing, and these are all new scientific findings for myself this year.
My mind packages things and people in the day and sends them into my sleeping unconscious in the form of dreams or nightmares. Any object or person can trigger a nightmare or dream. This all then forms a feedback loop for me to endure -like this: the day exists, the triggered package as a nightmare or dream happens. This all becomes a feedback loop. To the point where one would think I am capable of manufacturing the day in my sleep, or indeed altering the outcomes of the universe.
As it turns out I have been running my whole life from my very own life, running from the triggers, trying to hide, not be affected. Not affect anyone. All news to me. Isolating, alienating. I don’t get ‘triggered’ in the day or ‘just snap’. The day is thus a separate universe, a separate existence. An alternative grueling reality.
Scientifically I have identified ‘pollution’ as the problem of the day. Pollution comes as an attendee of the initial micro-second thought initiation as the mind arouses from unconscious sleep state. The pollution is in the form of negatives attached to normal processes and thought. There are two competing processes taking place. The misfiring synapses produce at the same time positives and negatives, like depression, fear, confusion. But all mild and subtle. This is the drunken style of my conscious state that I have to live with until it clears throughout the day. Only to repeat the next day. Didn’t know until this year I have been running from triggers, from which there is no escape. Go Figure. And then there is the PTSD to deal with as well.
It is all very very subtle, and mild. But enough to ruin my life on its own. Without the interference of anything or anyone else.
But the psychotic psychiatrists would say: Yes, but read the Label
