Gumnut1Contributor
My continuing recovery (TW: SI, Police, Psychiatric Ward Experiences)
My Journey
TW: Police
Imagine if U will, U are not feeling well so U go to the G.P. and after a 20 min consultation the doctor says that they need to do some tests, they ask if U wouldn't mind taking a seat in the waiting room,
U arrive at the hospital and are led into the psychiatric ward. After U are settled in, they give U medication to take, which U do, and U spend the rest of the day doing what ever U can to pass the time, talking to fellow patients, walking around the courtyard, playing basketball, doing arts and crafts, drawing pictures with crayons on butchers paper, watching free to air tv and doing what ever U can to drive off the boredom, U ask the nurse after U wait for them to finish doing their paperwork in the nurses station, how long do they think that U will be in hospital for? They say that they can't give U a definitive answer and that U will have to speak with your doctor about that on Wednesday, as it is late afternoon on Friday U decide to go to bed early, as sleep seems to be a good way to pass time quickly.
TW: thoughts of SH and Suicide
U wake in the morning after a terrible nights sleep, feeling very anxious. U are called to breakfast, U have a piece of toast and then line up for morning meds. U tell the nurse that U have been feeling anxious since taking yesterdays meds, they say that's pretty common and that it might just take a couple of days for U and your body to get adjusted to the medication. U trust the nurse and take the meds. U spend the day as U did previously, doing what U can to pass the time, all the while your anxiety is growing.
TW: SI and chemical restraint
[edited by moderator]
U push the door open and walk down a small corridor, U are still groggy and U enter a room with a couch, a tv, a window with the nurses station behind it, a small courtyard and a table where your new room mate is sitting. U sit down at the table and your new friend asks “How are U feeling?”
U reply “Im a little bit hungry. Did I miss lunch?”
They laugh and kindly say “U missed three lunches," [edited by moderator]
U spend the next week in this high dependency unit, U spend your time talking and getting to know your roommate (your groggyness still hasn't gone away, and U are feeling depressed thinking about the events that have happened recently) until U are released back into the low dependency unit.
U shuffle around the low dependency ward, seeing a whole range of people from all walks of life, being cared for in relation to their mental health. [edited by moderator] U sit at a table and the lady who does the cleaning brings U a plastic cup of apple juice which U drink while your depression gets worse. Not much changes over the next week, but your depression is becoming catatonic.
U are given increasingly higher doses of meds to help U deal with your increasing depression and anxiety. On a Wednesday the doctor sees U and suggests that U have E.C.T. (Electro Convolsive Therapy) the very thought of it terrifies U, but after some convincing, and after watching a video of how the procedure is preformed (which is nothing like it is depicted in the movies) U agree to give it a try, U sign a liability waver? and you go back onto the ward and mentally prepare yourself. U are not given dinner that night so that when U have the procedure the next morning, there is no food in your stomach so when they do the procedure, there is less risk that U vomit and choke. U go to bed and fall asleep thinking of all the complications that may happen due to tomorrows procedure.
U wake in the morning nervous about what will happen. A nurse and a security guard enter your room wheeling a wheel chair, U sit in the wheelchair, and they wheel U out of the psychiatric ward, down a long corridor into the main hospital, and through a maze of white hallways to the operating theatre.[edited by moderator]
TW: ECT experiences
U are taken into a operating theater, full of beeping machines, bright lights and doctors and nurses. The staff there are very kind and empathetic, and even crack a few light hearted jokes which make U feel less anxious. An anaesthesiologist plugs a tube into your catheter and puts an oxygen mask on your face, another nurse applies a cold liquid to your temples with cotton wool that runs down the sides of your face like ice cold water. One of the doctors asks if U are feeling Ok? U reply that U are. The doctor then asks if U could start counting back from ten. U start counting…. Ten, nine, eight
U wake up in a recovery room in the hospital, U feel groggy, have a slight headache and your temples feel sore, like U have been chewing really hard on something for way to long. A nurse comes in and asks how U are feeling. They give U a drink of water, and U tell them your symptoms. U look around the room and see one of the doctors that had been treating U during your admission. They look just as groggy as U feel. U ask them if they are ok and what happened? And why they are here? They reply that they had also just received E.CT. and that they would often have treatment, as stress and anxiety would sometimes become overwhelming for them, and they would often book themselves a course of E.C.T and that it really worked well for them. They said it was like closing all the tabs and pressing the reset button on a computer, and that it helped them think more clearly. U feel reassured by your conversation with the doctor. U drink your water and wait to be returned to the ward.
They wheel U in a wheelchair back into the ward. They bring U to the dining area and U take a seat at one of the tables. A nurse brings U some sandwiches and a plastic cup of apple juice. U feel groggy as U eat and drink, while a big burly man writes algebra on the whiteboard in the arts and crafts area, a man is lying on the couch, a middle aged woman is sitting silently in the tv area, staring at the tv, a younger lady is sitting in the courtyard smoking and talking with people, while a man paces around the courtyard. U do what U can to pass the time and decide to go to bed early as it seems a good way to pass the time.
U wake up in the morning and head to the dining area and proceed to have breakfast. When U are finished eating, everyone is called to line up for meds. U line up and take your meds, and sit back down in the dining area feeling groggy. U talk with your friends on the ward as a big burly man writes algebra on a white board in the arts and crafts area, a man is lying on the couch, the lady who does the cleaning, pushes her cart filled with cleaning products towards the hallway past the man lying on the couch. [edited by moderator]
The next morning U wake up, have breakfast, take your meds, the big burly man is writing algebra on the whiteboard in the arts and crafts area, but the man lying on the couch isn’t lying on the couch, he is sitting on the couch. U go over and sit next to him and ask how he is and about what happened yesterday. He tells U that he had been having trouble getting to sleep due to the medication, and that he had been up for days since his meds had been switched, and that he was really annoyed about being in hospital and that he was resentful towards the hospital staff for keeping him in here. U agree that yeah it does suck being here and that U wish U could get out too. He suggests that we cause a riot and make an escape, U laugh not knowing if he is making a joke or if he is completely serious. U tell him if there is anything he needs or if he needs to talk to someone to let U know. U go about your daily routine.
Days go by and nothing much changes. It feels like Groundhog Day over and over. U form close relationships with people on the ward as U all empathise with each other because U are all going through a similar experience, and when one of your friends gets discharged it is a happy but sad day at the same time. The night before someone’s discharge U order pizza and soft-drink, listen to music, talk, laugh and cry and say U never want to see them here again. Sometimes It’s hard because on the day people are leaving, U see them ready in the morning, all excited, with their bags packed ready to go, waiting all day for the nurse to come with their discharge papers and medications to come from the pharmacy (which is usually what holds everything up) and the nurse comes back and tells them they have to stay for a few more days as their accomodation fell through, or more heartbreakingly, their family changed their minds and don’t want them at home anymore, as this can make a few more days in hospital, into a few more weeks.
After a few weeks of seeing your doctor and being denied discharge, they give U permission for a few hours of escorted day release. It’s not discharge but it is a chance to see the outside of the hospital which U haven’t done in over a month. U thank the doctor and they say that they have spoken to one of your family members and they have agreed to come pick U up tomorrow.
U thank the doctor again and return to the ward feeling happy and hopeful about your outing tomorrow.
U wake in the morning, have your breakfast and wait for your family member to come and take U on your outing, and after what seems like forever, U hear the buzzer of the entrance door. A nurse leaves the nursing station with their keys in hand and they head toward the front door. They return, talking with your family member who has an uneasy look on their face as they look around the ward, they see U which brings a sad smile to their face. Tears begin to well in your eyes as you rush over to give them a hug. They awkwardly hug U back. The nurse talks to your family member about the conditions of your leave. They tell U both that U have no longer than three hours leave, that your family member must stay with U at all times, if U return and appear to be under the influence of any substances, U will be drug tested and a positive result may extend the length of your stay and that if U abscond during your outing, the police will be notified and they will find U and bring U back to the ward and your stay may be increased. U agree to the terms and the nurse leads U to the entrance, unlocks the door and wishes U luck and all the best for your outing.
U walk with your family member through the doors into the wards foyer, U feel uneasy as U both walk through the automatic double doors into the outside world. The traffic on the street somehow feels alien to U. The colors and movement of the plants and trees and everything around U all seem more vibrant and strange. U put it down to having being stuck in unstimulating environment for so long, it has affected your perception, after a while the sensation passes.
U walk with your family member and they ask “What U would like to do?”
U think for a second and reply that U wouldn’t mind getting a coffee. U both walk to the car then drive to a local cafe. Along the way U look out the passenger window, and watch the world pass U by. As your family member drives, U have the feeling they want to talk with U but don’t want to say anything that might upset U. U both sit not saying much. U arrive at the cafe, place your orders and sit at a table drinking coffee. U both sit in silence for a while then U talk about how U are feeling and that U never want to go back to hospital again, U talk about what a terrible time U are having there, U say that when U get out U are going to do everything U can to stay out of hospital. U continue to sit and drink your coffee and watch people around U drink their coffee with their friends, smiling and laughing and enjoying life. U sit thinking that U want to stay here on the outside and U don’t want to go back to the ward. U ask your family member if we can leave early and that U want to go back to the ward.
Your family member drives U back, U both walk back to the hospital and enter the foyer. U press the buzzer and a nurse comes and lets U back in. The nurse asks U both how things went, your family member says “Good. They were no trouble at all” U say your goodbyes with your family member and U head back into the ward determined to be discharged as soon as possible.
The next week U follow your routine and keep as low profile as U can. On a Wednesday U see you doctor who tells U they have good news for U. They say U have been responding well to your medication, that U appear stable and they have arranged discharge for U in three days. U feel happy and thank the doctor as they explain how discharge will work. They say that U will be released on a six month C.T.O.(Community Treatment Order) meaning if U don’t comply to your treatment or by refusing to take medication, refusing to attend counseling sessions or refusing your fortnightly injections of antipsychotics, the police will be called and U will be brought back to the ward. U agree, thank the doctor, head back on the ward and wait three days.
The day of your discharge comes and U pack your belongings onto a blue plastic drawstring bag that was provided to U by the hospital. U go into the ward and say goodbye to the (good ; ) nurses and the friends U have made (it’s very emotional) you sit and wait for your discharge papers, medication and your family member arrive. When they do, U say your final goodbyes to you friends and ecstatically head to the entrance with your family member and the nurse that has been taking care of U. The nurse is telling U how proud they are of U, how far U have come and for U to take care out there. U tell them thank U and that they had given as all such great care, that they had made your stay so much more bearable, that they are amazing and that U never want to see them ever again. They smile knowingly and let U out into the big bad world. While a big burly man writes algebra on a whiteboard in the arts and crafts area.
Your family member takes U home and when U open the door, around the corner of your hallway, your dog comes bounding towards U, full of excitement and knocks U over and starts slobbery licking the tears from your cheeks, and U slowly start to settle back into life back at home. U go and put your belongings back in your room, U see your Xbox and decide to see which of your friends are online. U turn the console on, grab your controller and look at your friends list. Before the incident that lead U to seek help from your G.P. U had over 250 people on your friends list…. now U have 60. U start felling shame and feeling more depressed. The medication U are on numbs your emotions. Over the next few weeks your phone doesn’t ring, not many of your friends or family come to see U. The ones that do, talk and treat U differently than what they did before your diagnosis. Some won’t even answer your calls. Your oldest friends that U have known all your life are getting married, they invite both of your brothers to their wedding, but not U. U begin getting severely depressed U start smoking weed and using meth again to try to escape.
Your substance use paired with your mental illness is causing psychosis which is leading to hospital stays. Your time in hospital is time off illicit substances, which leads to better mental health. Better mental health leads to discharge from hospital which leads to U be in the community. U and the communities attitude towards mental illness leads U to depression and depression leads U to illicit substances and illicit substances lead U to psychosis and psychosis leads U to the psychiatric ward.
After years of admission, discharge, admission, discharge U are walking down the street and over your shoulder U see staring at you a crazy homeless looking man with wild scraggly hair, dirty clothes, a long unkempt beard and a crazy look in his eyes, looking like he hadn’t bathed in weeks. Upon further inspection U realise that crazy homeless looking man is your reflection looking back at U from the glass in a stores front window.
U keep getting admitted, keep reviving E.CT. Keep getting discharged. Keep getting depressed. Keep using substances keep suffering psychosis and keep getting admitted. It feels like some kind of sadistic merry go round that U are strapped into and that U can’t escape.
During one of your short stays at home U hear that one of your closest friends has passed away. It hits U hard and U hit the substances even harder. One night early in the morning after injecting meth into your arm, U feel unbelievably thirsty and go to the kitchen to get some water. U turn on the tap and cup your hands under the running water but your left arm is asleep and won’t move. U cup the water with your right hand try to gulp down enough water to quench your thirst. U turn off the tap and head back to your room. U feel faint and collapse on the kitchen floor. U come to, get up and head back to your room and continue to play the Xbox and smoke weed.
U inevitably keep getting taken back to hospital over and over again. You are resenting the mental health system, the doctors, the nurses, your counsellors, the police, the government, society, the media, yourself, your family, your friends and U realise something has to change and U realise that something has to be U or this is going to keep happening over and over and this will be your life from here on in, or it will be the end of it, and U will die.
When U are released from hospital for the last time U are determined to recover. U watch as much self help, philosophy, spirituality and stories of recovery as U can on YouTube and try to absorb as much that is relevant to U as U can. One day you see video featuring Brandon Novak, talking about his recovery journey. His story is harrowing, he has endured and done things due to his past substance use, that I don’t even want to think about, and he is in recovery, he continues to be sober, and he continues to be an advocate for sobriety to this day.
TW: Drug use
U enter your next counseling session nervously. U are anxious and have butterflies wrestling in your stomach and after a brief hello, how are U and how have U been? U begin to open up to your counsellor about your childhood. U talk about things that U have shared with very few people. Things that have been tearing U apart the majority of your life. Your counsellor is very empathetic and extremely compassionate and for the next hour U talk about the hurt U have felt, the hurt U have caused, your remorse, your hope of forgiveness and your hope of redemption. The session feels like a splinter that had been festering in your soul has finally been removed and the process of healing would be able to begin. U cry and the counsellor hugs U and U hug them back.
TW: Substance use
U begin to work on your substance use. U quit everything and go cold turkey. U last four hours. After a few days U try again, U go cold turkey. U last three hours. After a week U try again. U go cold turkey. U last six hours. This isn’t working, so U try a new approach. After a week U try again, U stop using meth but continue to smoke weed. After eight days U ring your dealer and go get a point of meth. After a few days U try quitting again. U stop using meth but continue smoking weed. U last 5 weeks. U wait another week and try again. It has been ten months and U haven’t used meth.
U start to work on quitting smoking weed. U know this is going to be tough, U are forty two years old and U have spent more time of your life stoned, than U have being sober. U smoke your last cone, fourteen minutes later U smoke another last cone. U remember something your cousin said that helped them to quit. They said whenever they felt like smoking a cone they would wait one minute then smoke the cone, and gradually that one minute would turn into two, then five, then ten and eventually they weaned themselves off smoking weed. U try that and it seems to work. U play video games and instead of smoking cones in between rounds of Hell Let Loose, U smoke after every two rounds, then three, then four. U put the bong in the kitchen so it is out of sight and isn’t as available and so that U have to get up to smoke. Eventually it has been two months without smoking. A milestone U never thought U would achieve. U hadn’t spent that long without being high since U were sixteen years old. U still get urges to smoke but resist because U are feeling much better. After four months U notice that U are thinking more clearly, U are putting words together better and not mumbling as much when U talk, U aren’t as anxious around people anymore so U buy a bow and join an archery club (something U have wanted to do for a long time) U make new friends and U are the happiest U have been in a long time.
For the next few months U continue to work on your physical and mental health. U start a daily routine of waking up early, walking around the park, heading to the archery range to shoot arrows, going to the gym then heading back home to watch a few hours of self help videos. After a while U are feeling good, U feel that U are finally on the right medication that U are happy to take but something still doesn’t feel right. When U walk U feel like U are shuffling along. When U are at the gym no mater how much U train, your muscles always feel weak and when U look in the mirror, the person looking back at you, doesn’t look like the person U recognise yourself as. U think it may be the antipsychotics causing these problems but U know it may be the antipsychotics that are keeping U out of hospital. U think about this for a long time and decide to consult with your G.P.
U make an appointment and go see your G.P. U talk with them about how U are feeling, the symptoms U are experiencing and your thoughts of coming off medication. Your doctor is reluctant to agree for U to stop taking meds but they decide that U should talk with a psychiatrist about the matter. U thank them and they give U a referral to an affordable psychiatrist. U thank your doctor and head home.
As soon as U get home U ring the number, talk with the psychiatrist’s receptionist and make an appointment for the earliest booking U can get, which is in ten weeks time. U keep up your daily routine and eventually, the day comes for your appointment. U head into the clinic, and are greeted by the receptionist, you hand them the referral and they ask U to take a set in the waiting room, which U do, and U wait nervously until the doctor calls U into their office.
U are welcomed by the doctor and after some brief introductions U begin to talk with the doctor about why U are here, U tell them about how U are feeling, the troubles U have had with medications in the past, your times in the hospital, about how U are feeling after not using illicit substances, your daily routine and your thoughts of coming off medications. They say they have read your file but want to check a few things again. They pull out a Manila folder so thick that if one more piece of paper was shoved in it, U think it would explode. They carefully go through your file for a few minutes then they sit silently contemplating, after about five minutes of sitting in silence U awkwardly ask them “What do U think?” They ask U to please be quiet, they are thinking. After another five minutes of thinking they ask “How long have you been off your C.T.O.”
U reply that it has been about eighteen months. U sit while the doctor thinks, after another five minutes the doctor says “U have been off your C.T.O for eighteen months now, and U continue to take your medication on your own accord which shows me, and from what U have said, U know the risks of not taking your medication. I believe the oral medication is benefiting U, but the antipsychotics are not. I am recommending that U keep taking your oral medication and that we carefully and gradually reduce your antipsychotic injections every month under the carful monitoring of your G.P. for the next six months, then keep monitoring U for some time after that to see how U go off the depot (injections)”. It is the best news U have heard in a long time! After thirteen years of not being able to fully feel emotions and walking around like a zombie, U finally have the chance to be free of antipsychotics! U thank the doctor and shake their hand. U go to reception and pay the $480 and head home with a huge smile on your face.
Over the next few months your depot is slowly reduced month by month, U are gradually felling better and better although U still fell nervous because in the past U have taken yourself off your depot and ended up experiencing psychosis not long after, and were taken back to hospital. Those times happened because, as soon as U were released from your C.T.O. U went from a few hundred down to 0mg, and it didn’t turn out too well. This time U have support from your doctor and your family and U have more insight into your condition, what signs to watch for if your psychosis begins, and know to get help if it does.
The months go by and your dose is lowered and lowered and the symptoms of the depot that U were experiencing are slowly fading. After six months U revive your final injection of antipsychotics. Six weeks later, U are feeling nervous as U know the antipsychotics should be completely out of your system. U keep taking your daily oral medication and have regular consultations with your G.P. Another six months go by and your psychosis has not returned. It is four years since your last hospital admission.
The next year is amazing. U feel like the person U have always wanted to be has finally been unchained and set free from inside yourself. U can’t remember a time in your life where U have experienced such a feeling of peace within yourself. U are thinking more clearly than U ever have before. Your shyness is fading and U are feeling more confident in yourself. U are able to hold conversations, crack jokes and make people laugh, U are getting along with your family. U are happy.
U haven’t worked a stable job in fifteen years and U now want to give something back. On your last few admissions to the hospital, there were Mental Health Peer Support Workers working on the ward. They are Mental Health workers who have a lived experience of mental health. They are amazing! Due to their experience, many of them had spent time receiving treatment on the ward and are now in recovery. They spend time working in the ward talking with U, advocating for U and sharing their experience and experiences. Hearing stories from someone who has survived what U are going through and then went on to thrive, is inspiring and sinks in so much deeper than the talks U have with doctors or psychologists. U know and U always have known, U want to become a Mental Health Peer Support Worker.
U haven’t attended school in nearly thirty years and your computer skills aren’t that great so U head to a local community centre to see if U can get some help. They arrange a support worker for U. U talk with them about your hopes for the future. They sign U up for a computer class, buy U a laptop computer, enrol and pay the fees for a Mental Health Cert IV course and enrol U in a Mental Health Peer Support Cert IV course, which a Government grant pays for. U attend and complete the computer course which brings your computer skills up to speed and U start your Mental Health courses on the 10th of October which is exactly three years after the very last time U use meth on the 9th of October three years prior!
U attend classes, your classmates and teachers are amazing and everyone is so supportive of each other. We work together and help each other with each other’s assignments. We engage in the simulations with our study partners where actors are hired to play the roles of people dealing with mental health issues and we play the role of support workers providing support, we get experience and are critiqued on providing care, in a safe simulated environment. The whole experience is phenomenal. U complete all your units and are currently seeking placement with a mental health provider so U can earn your qualifications and become a Mental Health and Mental Health Peer Support Worker
This is my story of how my diagnosis of schizophrenia was treated and also my continuing recovery journey. I write in the second person perspective so hopefully U the reader can feel more of a connection to the events that were told in this tale. Everything in this story is true although I have combined some of my different visits to the ward into the one story.
The part about reviving E.C.T. Is true but it wasn’t offered so quickly. I was offered E.C.T. after many stays on the ward and after many different types of medications were not working and after my depression went from bad to worse to catatonic. I had four courses of E.C.T. Each course was administered during seperate admissions to hospital. A course consisted of four sessions of E.C.T. over a two week period, so in total I had sixteen sessions of E.C.T.
I have left a lot of my experiences out of this story but I may delve into those at a later time. I tell this story to hopefully give some insight into what it can be like to receive treatment for a mental health condition, why some people are reluctant to seek (or continue) treatment for their condition and how hard it can be to accept a diagnosis and work on recovery, but also to show that it is possible to to make a recovery after being diagnosed with a serious mental health condition.
This took place over a fifteen year period and treatment has gotten a lot better since and it continues to improve, and so has the communities perception and attitude towards mental health, which is great, but we still have a long way to go.
I strongly encourage anyone who has read this far to look into information from recent studies into mental health conditions and more importantly the prevention of mental illness.
If U care for someone or would like to learn how to help someone who has a mental health condition, there are some great and informative mental health first aid courses available that can equip you with helpful skills that can aid in a mental health emergency
We are all susceptible to developing a mental health condition, no one is immune and we are all capable of easing the pain associated with mental illness, within ourselves and within others.
This is my story but this is not the last paragraph
