Broke because of meds

I have had an unbelievably bad day. 😞

My taxi turned up a bit early and was phoning me as he was turning into my driveway. I think that's impatient and rude. Apparently he was in a hurry to go to another job, more important than me in his opinion.

Then I had to deal with crowds because I was seeing my GP whose surgery is in a shopping mall. My agoraphobia has been crazy at the moment anyway! Fortunately I found a secret short cut outside of the shopping areas.

So I see the doc. Apparently the ONLY hormone replacement therapy medication on the PBS in Australia, is the patches that I was using, but have not been able to get for months and months and months. There is no ETA for this common medication either. My psychiatrist said yesterday that my menopausal hormone rollercoaster is compounding my depression and c-ptsd and agoraphobia. I bit the bullet and got a script for something else. $75.00!!!!!!!!!!! That's $75 dollars money dollars per month. 😨

I am on ndis and dsp, and I was already struggling financially. With the shock of the price, I forgot to ask for two digital scripts.

While I was out, a parcel arrived for me, nothing exciting, just a fleecy lined hoodie from Big W because I've been so cold. But my housemate was too busy playing a video game to hear the doorbell, and so the postie took my parcel and left. 😵

I arrive home, absolutely freaked out to realise that I'd forgotten my antidepressant scripts as well. So I trudged down to the local shops where the post office and pharmacy are.

Pick up my parcel, not 100% smooth process, but came out successful

Then I got two different antidepressants. One is half the strength of my usual dose, because my shrink is taking me off it slowly and will start me on another one. I usually get two boxes for the PBS price. This one box of half the strength cost me a private script and the so and so's gave me a brand that has a surcharge as well. I have about $10 to last me a week until next pay day. 😡

My shrink also told me yesterday that I need to eat, my eating is fairly disordered, and now I don't have much money for food. I know that I can get food help from the Salvos or Vinnies, but it's not the point that I'm trying to make. I have spent so much this pay on medical stuff, including $330 for my shrink yesterday, that I now have to rely on charity to eat. I don't drink or smoke or gamble or go on shopping sprees. So I only really spend money on rent, bills, groceries and medical, medical, medical. How utterly depressing! 😔

I'm sure that there is more than one of you out there who experiences disordered eating and could understand why eating is hard enough of a battle, let alone having to go somewhere on public transport with my agoraphobia, to beg for food. You and I all know that that is a big big challenge and not easily won.

I am now very tired and sore and now even more furious than before I went out a second time. 😡😡

So angry at everything and my housemate, that I just had to get out, and also I do tend to do things that I know are hurting myself. Stupidly I do it to punish other people, but I suffer, and the "other people" don't know anything about any of it. Such a self defeating act. My thoughts on that thinking pattern and behaviour, is that I would rather harm myself than any other sentient being. I have some really deep seated fury that I don't easily release and that most of the time, I'm not aware of. (Well used to be like that. Now sometimes I am aware, thanks to my wonderful psychologist.)

Sometimes, as volcanoes do, pressure underneath builds up, and the slightest thing can set off an explosion of fire and molten rock, or me ranting and raving inside my head and then me overdoing stuff and getting overwhelmed and very very physically sore. 🌋

Counsellors have made suggestions in the past about releasing this buried rage, but they never work for me because I just can't access it, can't see it because it's so deep, just can't get in touch with it. I'm not giving up though. It's a work in progress with loads of therapy.

Starting to feel silly and self conscious, but I won't cancel or delete, in case somebody can make sense of this and finds it helpful for them. Signing off for now. 👋 Oh thankyou for listening people.