How to go on

TW: thoughts of suicide.

I am safe now. I'm sorry, I just need to unload some thoughts.

I grew up in a place that doesn't care much about mental health. It's hard asking for help and opening up just made them label me as weak. Life has been hard and I don't really have anyone to emotionally depend on.

Humans scare me. Even when I'm around friends... it's fun interacting with them but after a few hours my head starts to hurt so much that I need to withdraw. And then I feel bad. Because I can't follow their energy and has to charge myself for a whole day afterwards. The only ones I trust are those other voices in my head. Though some of them can be harsh, I know by the end of the day they won't betray me. Because if this body cease to function, so will they.

I've tried to end everything once. I did ask for help from those I consider close before doing it. But in the end nobody was there to help, so I thought that was it. But then I survived. A stranger coincidentally saved me. And so I thought 'maybe there's still a reason for me to live'. So I've been giving my all since then, chasing after my old dream and what not.

I thought things would be fine from then on. But maybe I simply tried to burn myself to the ground 'for a better cause'. I don't care much if I die whenever. Life is still hard but at least I've grown a bit numb to the pain.

But then it came suddenly a few days ago. I start to actively think that I want to die again. I managed to reason with myself that 'nah, it's such a pain to make a plan'. Deep down I know this solution is only temporary. So before another wave hit me, though I wish there won't be, I just need to write this down. I need to start finding ways to heal. But I don't know where to start. So I write. For now.

Thank you for listening.