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Husband recently diagnosed.

Gemini2Casual Contributor05 June 2024, 11:34 am AEST

Husband recently diagnosed.

Hi everyone, this is my first time here.

A little bit of background info......

Approx 3 months ago I separated with my husband of 15 years and he has now recently been diagnosed with BPD.

We still get along and communicate as well as we can. We have children together.

It has been a very rough and toxic 15yr marriage. For me. And for the kids. Looking back, I always new there was something not quite right, but somehow he would always turn it around to me and I always questioned if it was me causing the problems and tried extremely hard to fix everything and "do the right things". The fighting was terrible and many many hurtful things have been said. I am definitely not the person I used to be.

I have secluded myself and walked on egg shells for years now and I am finding it hard to get out of that.

He is now trying to "make ammends" and wants to try and fix our marriage. I think I still love him, but I question if I love what "could be" and not "what is" and I am not sure if I want to try again and also want to do what is best for the kids. It has taken so much out of me to get this far. I have tried to leave him in the past. We have been down this road many times before when he has promised change, but nothing changed, although he never got help until now. He says this is different because he now has a diagnosis and seeing a doctor and on medication etc. But I still feel a bit like I am being manipulated back into the situation. I also don't believe he would stay committed to treatment if things just went back to "normal".

I get lots of messages that he cant live without me and it feels almost like threats of suicide without actually saying so. Suicide is definitely something I worry about and I do believe he is capable of doing that to himself. I never know how or when to not respond or go running and offer support. He is very demanding of my time. He will not open up to anyone else and has no other support. I am finding it very hard to even get a minute to myself. I fi don't answer a text immediately, 50 more will follow and a lot of the messages don't even make sense. This is the first time in his life that he has ever been alone and he is obviously really struggling.

I am still learning about BPD and have been doing lots of reading.

If there are any resources anyone can recommend to me or advice of any kind I would appreciate it.

Thank you

13 replies

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In response to: Husband recently diagnosed.

DeterminedSenior Contributor03 July 2024, 8:07 am AEST

Re: Husband recently diagnosed.

Hi @Gemini2

How are you traveling at the moment?

I am a little late to the discussion but as I have been reading the discussion can relate to so much.

I support my wife (approaching 25 years) who lives with BPD. As has been discussed here boundaries have been essential. I chose to stay for many reasons but would never question anyone who chose to leave, cutting ties completely or supporting from a distance.

You were asking about examples of boundaries, here are some that I put in place for our family with the support of a counsellor while my Darling was in hospital. It took a lot of work on my part with the help of a counsellor because to me it felt that it implies my love was conditional, it is not, and infact boundaries are a way of showing my love.

Anyway here are our boundaries as applies to our family dynamic...

Our boundaries:

While these seem harsh when I write them down, I don’t want them to appear as a control thing, but my desire is to make life more consistent and easier for my darling and our children. I am sensitive to the fact that sometimes this makes my darling sound horrible but that is never my intention, it is the illness not my darling that is horrible. I worked on framing these boundaries with my councillor to ensure I was not over reacting or being unreasonable. These boundaries are based on our family dynamic and things that are not working/ not healthy for us

So our boundaries are:

If you (my darling) talk to me disrespectfully I will not engage in the discussion, if you do not settle down I will leave the room. (Verbal abuse is not ok, particularly in front of the children).

If you (my darling) engage in any self harm you will need to go to the ED, if you don’t go freely I will call for an ambulance.

-Last time we had an ambulance come (MIL called in a panic during a melt down when she was present) the ambulance arrived with 2 police cars for all the neighbour's to see, very embarrassing so no a decision made lightly).

-(There is now also the option to contact pdoc 7 days a week for admission to private ward if necessary subject to availability of beds).

If you drive off in the car during a melt down I wall call the police and report you as a danger to yourself and others. (This is based on past events).

When I am at work/ Uni I am not to be contacted, my phone will be diverted to voicemail before I leave home. (Alternate contacts during this time are, Mum, Mum in law, church pastor or lifeline). This is based on consistently being called with threats of self harm particularly before exams while at uni.

In response to: Re: Husband recently diagnosed.

DeterminedSenior Contributor03 July 2024, 8:18 am AEST

Re: Husband recently diagnosed.

I was able to have a conversation around implementation of our boundaries while my Darling was in hospital (private mental health ward). Having forewarned and discussed with Darlings assigned nurse and giving a copy prior, have the discussion in a safe space and when the inevitable meltdown happened (not necessarily the case for everyone but for us this process was in the midst of a crisis) I was able to leave darling in a safe and supported environment .

Since implementing our boundaries we have not once had a drive off in the car during an meltdown.

The only time I have had to act on a boundary was while Darling was in hospital. This was only last year, the day before she was due to be discharged, darling told me over the phone that it was all my fault and as soon as she was home she was going to end it all. Right after putting on a performance and convincing Dr and staff she was well enough and safe enough to come home .

I made a phone call that reaulted in and extra week of admission .with some key information and some leading questions we had a meltdown of front of staff.

I felt like a terrible person but it was the right call.

In response to: Re: Husband recently diagnosed.

tymeModerator03 July 2024, 9:41 pm AEST

Re: Husband recently diagnosed.

Thank you everyone for your insights @Determined @Gemini2 @CarerMum03 @Ainjoule .

I hear how much he wants to recover @Gemini2 . I'm also hearing that you need to protect yourself. As much as you care, I hope you are able to set clear boundaries so he knows when he oversteps the boundaries.

What do you feel is the right thing to do for you at this point?

We are here to support you no matter what you choose to do.

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