Living in uncertainty

@tyme

Omm my God

Sitting with the feelings...

it's horrible.

I am trying.

Depending on the feeling it can feel like anything from bugs crawling up my skin, to my stomach churning and cramping.

Oddly the good feelings never register in such a visceral way. Probably because I suppress them and find some sick comfort in the pain because on a subconscious level I believe I deserve it

But uhh sitting with feelings is so God dam hard

(Excuse my language, I do not intend to offend anyone)

Yes! It is hard!

Hence I had to do a lot of work with my treating team. That was the difference. I was one of the lucky ones that finally found a very effective treating team. @Who-Knows

Where Australian state are you located?

I'll ask the BPD services I'm linked in with to see if there's anything in the ACT. @Who-Knows I'll get back to you on this one.

Hey @Who-Knows ,

As promised, I've been looking into some services. I found one service in ACT that is similar to the service here where I am called PARC (prevention and recovery centre). The one in ACT is called Adult Step Up Step Down which means it's either a step up or down from hospital:

Services such as this were crucial to my recovery. It meant I was restricted like being in a ward, I could go in and out as I wanted, I had care 24/7, I had stays from 2-6 weeks, you work with a key clinician 1:1, and best of all, people are there because they WANT to be. So it's a recovery centre where you go in and work with a clinician on your goals for your stay. Then this is tracked throughout your stay.

For my stays, there is a timetable of daily events such as psychoeducation classes, games, outings, cooking responsibilities, exercise, art and craft groups, movie nights.... the program is free of charge.

All in all, I had about 5 stays over a few years. I stayed with a max of 10 residents at a time. I found it very helpful to feel less alone and that there were others also struggling. However, you need to be ready to make change, otherwise it's not worth going.

I wonder if such services would be beneficial to you? Also note, it's not only for BPD. It's for anyone. I generally got a referral from my case manger or the hospital when things were really tough.

@Who-Knows

I am so glad you found the courage to share what has been going on for you....I certainly hear how tough 2023 was...and that you are still struggling to pick yourself up after being totally crushed by the experience....although you did say "The last month or so has been better". Did that come about through support of friends, inner resources or self care practices? Or have you been having some treatment?

Looks like @tyme has a great recommendation in your local area, that might help you to make the shift that you seek. When things get so tough that you lose hope, dedicated help and large support networks...and knowing that others in similar situations have been able to change their lives.... can make all the difference.

Rooting for you!

Hey sorry for going MIA, @tyme thank you for sharing.

life got overwhelming for a bit there. I'm struggling a lot with the idea of my family, I cut them off but I still hold them on a pedestal and it is ruining my relationship. I logically know they do not deserve that status and logically I know but hard to battle with.

I want to send them a big f*** you message and tell them to leave me alone but I just can't send it, I've written it tens of times and delete it every time. I just don't have the courage to send it.

You know what @Who-Knows ? Do what works for you. You know yourself and your situation best.

If you feel sending the message will help, go for it. If there is something within that says no, then have another think about it.

We will support you in whatever you decide. Life sure can feel it is going down the gurgler sometimes.