BPD and constant suffering

Hi, so I was in a relationship of 10 years, throughout that relationship I suffered from severe eating disorders and panic disorders, was in and out of hospital. My ex-girlfriend stuck by my side but I treated her poorly, I would talk to other people, send nudes, receive nudes. I am not sure why I did it, it was like I always needed a back up person in case she ever decided to leave me, it is horrible, I know. But I could not stop myself. We got together very young and were much similar people when we got together but as we got older she didn't want kids or marriage, I did. Things like that, she also was very addicted to weed and would throw extreme tantrums if she ran out, which cost us a lot of money.

I have been diagnosed with BPD so I guess that kind of explains why I was scared of being alone so much and wanting back up but it does not excuse how horrible I was/am. Over the last few years I have gotten much better with my panic disorder and eating disorder meanwhile my ex girlfriend's mental health got worse, she had developed chronic pain and depression, I know a lot of it was due to me but she definitely got worse when COVID hit and she couldn't leave the house during lockdown, she kind of never recovered after that.

Anyway, I was being my usual horrible self and we were going 6 months at a time without sex, sometimes longer, then we would have sex, once, maybe twice and then nothing again for up to 6 months. I started talking to other women and eventually I went on a holiday by myself overseas and cheated on her. It was absolutely horrible that I did it. I feel so bad every day, it's all I think about.

Anyway, I am in a new relationship, I love her, I want kids with her, but I still miss my ex so much and want her back, we message and send memes every day, nothing sexual, never say i love you or talk about being back together. It is legit like we are just best friends, which we were before we got together. But my current girlfriend worships me for some reason and I love her. I feel like I love them both and then I have the history and nostalgia of my ex and I think back on the fun we had early on in our relationship even if we were miserable the last few years of it. I think back on how much I miss watching tv or playing video games with her. Sometimes, I feel like the only way out of this is suicide. Just because, I don't want to be without her, but I don't want to leave my current girlfriend as I know I will be happier with her in the future, she wants all the same things as me. But, I don't know. All I think about every day is that suicide is the only way out of this for me. To end all of this suffering I have caused.

I have contacted psychs but I don't live anywhere near them and once they hear I am BPD they say im too high risk to treat via telehealth, so I am kind of stuck.

EDIT: I want to add I am not trying to garner any sympathy, this is more venting and whatever else. I know I am the bad person