Feeling stressed out and anxious about my past and present

Hey @MattMan87 ,

Thank you for sharing. I’m hearing how much you want to rewind life and do it all again - but better.

At the same time, I hear you have two children and a family.

Are you close to your children?

Having a family really can tie people down. They bring a lot of joy but it’s also a sacrifice. I think this is the part that is forgotten or not ‘advertised’.

How do you like to spend your time nowadays?

For me, I spent many years wanting to change the past. Due to this, I forgot to live. I missed out on the present.

Im hearing you @MattMan87 . Please know you are not alone.

@MattMan87

Good on you for reaching out on the forum. That is a positive first step towards connecting with others. Have you had a look at the social areas of the forum? Maybe there are some threads that interest you there ...and you can always start your own topic to find others with similar interests.

I hear your challenges about not finding work... and not having support of friends. It can be tough to feel like you are alone and getting stressed about it. Am I right in understanding that you feel anxious about the present due to regret that you werent able to respond in the past when others reached out to you?

If I find myself getting caught up in the past, I try to put it into perspective in the present. What is it that I am regretting or wishing had happened in the past...and what actions can i take today to make something happen? I have joined a couple of seniors choirs in my local area, because i like singing and it is a way to meet like minded people. I am really starting to enjoy the interactions i am having there.

What activities do you like to do? Is there some group you could join to share that enjoyment with others? You might want to consider family gatherings, Men's shed, walking and conservation groups, creative hobbies etc ... alternatively volunteering somewhere is a great way to make friends and learn new skills while you are waiting for a job offer.

@MattMan87

Hi again, thanks for responding and sharing how things are for you.

You verified below...."how anxious and overwhelmed you are about the present because you wish that you did things differently in the past so that the present day would be so much better."

Wondering if you have tried getting any counselling or support... to work on this? As your anxiety and overwhelm about the present, seems to be caused by regret about the past, it might help to dig a bit deeper.... to discover how accepting yourself and your actions from the past... can open up feelings of gratitude to yourself that you did the best you could.

I have gone through something similar myself....I always felt and didnt like that I was "different". I also regretted many of my past actions, responses and decisions. The turning point came through a process of deep conversations with my sister (who is one year younger)...talking about how I saw my past. She would respond that what I thought somebody else had done to me, that person thought I had done...or how I recollected a past situation that was different to how she or others remembered it. Over time we unpacked a lot of memories and I was able to realise that the faculty of memory is often faulty, exaggerated, incomplete or highly adaptable. I feel blessed that I finally arrived at a point where, every time I had a negative memory about myself or someone else, I was able to ask myself the question "how do I know that this really happened?" Because there was no way to prove that the memory was true or accurate...i was able to let go of holding on to this memory of the past. Then I would be able to ask myself..."how could I handle it now?" I could give myself a choice to take positive action in the present or prepare myself to be more conscious in the future.

Hope that makes some sense to you? For me it wasn't just an overnight letting go of the past...but a deep dive into recognising how memory works, and seeing that holding onto past regrets (based on questionable thoughts about the past)...is a surefire way to ruin my own life.

It is possible to let go of disturbing memories and I wish you the strength and courage to reach out for support.

PS if you would like direct your post to someone who is part of a conversation, you can tag them by typing @ and then choosing their name from the popup list

Hi @OM108

Thank you for your response. Yes, I thought about seeking support. I can't afford to see a therapist, so I am actively seeking support that is free of charge.

It must seem pretty silly of me to keep thinking about my past overly. I usually get told to get over it and move on. Also too, I engage in counterfactual thinking. What's even more weird is that I daydream about things that I never did in the past but would have liked to have the opportunity to do them. I am pleased to hear that you and I are on the same page about this.

Also, my memory isn't always accurate, especially when I can only remember some things about my past (e.g. what year I remember something happened or took place in). It's a shame that time travel doesn't exist! 😄

@MattMan87

Thanks for the tag! It is easy to get lose replies in this extensive forum without them...

Have you investigated any of the free support offered by SANE? Might help to talk with a real person and get some ideas and strategies. Sometimes it doesn't take much to create a shift in thinking, that will change how you see your life.

Get support (sane.org)

Let us know how you get on finding the right person to talk to!

Hello again @OM108

Thank you for touch basing with me.

I do have a phone appointment with SANE next month, so I can be able to talk about my issues with them.

We'll have to wait and see how it goes.

@MattMan87

Thanks for letting us know. Didn't realise it can take that long to get a phone appointment.

I do hope it brings you some insight.

In the meantime, it is always helpful to get out into nature. I find it brings me into the present moment to witness the beauty and magic of Mother Nature ....and take in the different sights, smells and sounds with all my senses....whether it is sunrise, sunset, full moon, rainbow, forest, ocean, river or mountains!

Take care