Unwanted Thoughts? Tw suicide/SH

Hi all, I'm new here and this is my first post. I guess I'm writing this because I'm struggling. And I have been for a while. Part of me wants to know that what I'm going through, isn't a lone experience. There is something in knowing that someone else out there in this big world can relate. Every day, I struggle with passive suicidal ideation. I want to live, but my brain tells me otherwise. I often want to hurt myself like I did 4 years ago, just to feel that feeling again. I can't bring myself too, and I know deep down that I don't want too. The thoughts don't stop and I'm tired. I am safe, and I don't plan on hurting myself. I just want to feel better