I'm here because I need help

Thank you so much for the links. I'll check them out once I've finished telling you about my daughter.
There's not much to tell really. I didn't even know my partner at the time was pregnant. I heard her mum ask her on a few different occasions if she was, and she always got the sh#ts and denied it. I didn't even know someone could fall pregnant while on the pill.
Anyway I won't go into much detail because even though it happened on Jan 21 1996 it still hurts and causes quite a bit of stress.
For a couple of days my partner had been complaining about pains in the stomach. She said it was just wind pain. We ended up going to one of her friends B-Day party's. And later that day we left the party early because she was still in pain, and it seemed to be getting a bit worse for her. On the way home I told her I was taking her to hospital to get checked out. She started arguing refusing to go. I told her fine, no hospital, but you're at least going to see a doctor. I parked the car outside the medical centre, and she refused to get out. I'd spent about 20mins arguing with her about it and then decided to just go home. A while after we got home she was complaining about the pain again, and again saying it was just wind pain. I told her I was going to the chemist for her to see what I could get to help her.
When I got home she was in the shower.
Without going into too much detail now probably around an hour later she told me she was having a baby. I freaked out, but tried to get her to at least lay on the bed to try and get comfortable, she refused even that, while I went to the phone to call an ambulance.
When I got off the phone I thought I heard running water. I went to the bathroom, and there was my partner, sitting on the toilet. I saw my daughter's leg move. She'd been born into the damn toilet. I went to take her from the toilet, and my partner went nuts and wouldn't let me near her.
The ambulance finally arrived about 30mins later. They took us to the hospital. The hospital staff was really good for my partner. Organised a psychiatrist, and did everything they could to help her. I was left to fend for myself. I didn't know what to do, or who to turn to. And even though I hadn't got on well with my mum for years she was the only one I could think of to turn to. I explained that my partner had had a baby girl, and that my daughter had died shortly after birth. I didn't tell her about the toilet or anything though. All she had to say was "I don't want to know about it" and hung up. I had no-one to turn to. The hospital did absolutely nothing for me, no-one there even asked if I was OK.
2days later after no sleep, and staying by my partners side I was told I had to go home because a couple of detectives wanted to see me. The detectives thankfully realised that I wasn't responsible for my daughters death, and so did the coroner.
I'll just leave it at that for now.
I've been getting a nasty headache coming on this afternoon, and it's not getting any better.
I hope I haven't said too much. Talking about my daughter isn't something I do as a rule, so I've had no experience with people's reactions to know when it's too much. If it is I'm really sorry

That's really sad about your precious girl @LonelyExistance, and so traumatic and lonely for you. No doubt you have some PTSD to deal with. You were treated badly by your partner and mother, I understand how you might end up believing you don't matter, with pivotal people treating you like that during pivotal moments. Any wonder you have trouble trustimg. But you know its not true, that you are important.

My girl was 13yo when she had an acute asthma attack and died at home waiting for ambulance. Midnight Australia Day 2011. She was my youngest and only daughter. I have an adult son i hardly ever see. Their father has remarried.

These dates will never leave us, we must learn to be gentle on ourselves at this time, and find ways to honour our lost loved ones. There's a couple others here who have losses in January @Appleblossom, @Decadian, to name a couple. If you're like me, anniversary dates are high risk times for suicide ideology (SI), so I'm so glad you've reached out here. Keep posting.

There's a thread "let's talk about grief" if you want to have a read there some time. No rush, settle in, mix with the others, talk about anything. It really does help not feel so lonely & isolated. xox

Thanks for your kind words Tawney. It means a lot.
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope what I'm about to say doesn't seem insensitive, but I'm actually glad that what happened with my daughter happened without me even knowing about her til it was too late.I'm sure it would've been so much harder to cope with this if I have known about her sooner. My whole life all I wanted was to be a father, because I knew that I'd be so much better than my father and stepfather. I stayed with that partner til the end of 2000. Because of a promise Is made to her when she begged me not to leave because of what happened with our daughter. We had a son in 98. I'm so proud of him. I don't get to see him though. I saw him once for a couple of days when his mum organised for him to visit. It was the first time since he was 2 that I'd been able to see him. He's a good kid, with a good heart. I worry for him though. He feels things so incredibly deeply like I did at his age. He was gone early morning on the 3rd day of his visit. I got in touch with his mum, and found out she only wanted him to visit because the child endowment was going to stop because of how long itd been since she'd let me see him. She also told me that she'd told him that his sister was killed by me. I lost the plot for a while after that. Took me a long time to be able to accept all that knowing the lies that he'd grown up believing.
Anyway that's more than enough about me. I'm really not sure why I've been talking so much about some of my past. Maybe it's something I've really needed to talk about for very long time, I guess.
I can't even imagine how hard it must've been for you. I hope that wasn't something you had to go through alone. I'm really not sure what to say, other than I feel for you there.
Well I'm really tired. It's been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me today, and I'm worn out lol
If you ever need to talk you know where you can reach me 😌

Thanks @LonelyExistance, sad about your x, she s disturbed, guess we all are. Catch up tomorrow perhaps, night xox

@LonelyExistance, how are you this morning? I was thinking (yes i do that sometimes), its not the same but 6months before my girl died her dad (estranged for 7yrs) was receiving death threats by ph and made up his mind, deluded himself, that I was behind them. Trouble was he involved our girl, he not only told her about it but that I was trying to k#ll him and grandad and this really upset her, being 13 she didn't know who to believe. I tried to get legal help to stop court ordered access visits but Legal Aid wouldn't fund it and well the rest is history. My beautiful girl. Both my mother and sister have since told me it was my brother behind the calls, egged on by mother who my x put a DVD on for ringing and abusing him. That dvo was still in place when she died. My princess, sometimes I thank the lord for saving her from us all. // Do you have any faith in the hereafter? I believe in Jesus Christ and that she's in heaven, in perfection, and we'll see each other again - the oerfect love, without all the earthly decay. I have also lost two early pregnancies and believe they are with her. // It does feel less painful without a relationship haunting the mind but honestly, any death, especially our own flesh and blood, were just not hardwired for such loss, so go easy on yourself.// Your situation, the betrayal of people you trusted would be a huge loss to process. I hope your son will one day find the truth. Do genyly tell him your version of things, and if you can - find acway to be around him more. Boys need their dads. Build your life up so he can come to you for support when he needs his dad, and he will, don't give up. "Live for the good days, Make them happen"
Hugz to you