BPD/NPD - Did this really happen to me ?

Hi All,
I am new to this forum, and I guess I wanted to share my story as I am finding it really difficult to deal with what happenned over the last 12 months and I am open to any and all advice.

I had been in a 29 year stable and relatively happy relationship since I was 20 and in Sept 2015 I initiated a trial seperation and some 3 months into this I put myself onto Tinder and on my second only date connected with a lady that rocked my world in so many respects. We had lots of common interests, she seemed genuinely interested in everything I did, was intelligent, entertaining and attractive. Our chemistry was amazing. I was believing I had met the perfect girl for me, and she receipricated these feelings.

She had a heartbreaking story of her father having abused her (she said he was a malignant narcisist) her sister (diagnosed with BPD) being a heroin addict and comitting suicide, and she being estranged from her family. She was living in social housing in Richmond having she claimed being physically abused in her last relationship. Unemployed - she suffered from Krones disease, had a artitical disk in her back which caused her signifcant pain and admitted to suffering depression. I had no experience with any of these issues in my life, and even the language she used to describe it was foreign to me. All I wanted to do was love and protect her from all of these things.

She started staying in my apartment fulltime in Southbank within a month (without us really talking about it) and before I knew what was happening I had a full time girlfriend whom seem to love and adore me and I certainly loved and adored her. She was in my mind perfect and amazing. Within 6 months I grew a significant attachment to this woman.

I signed a lease for an apartment in Richmond in my name only and we moved in there.

Things started to unravel within about 10 days of living together. She started to get really abusive about silly things like, me leaving the yoghurt in their cardboard in the fridge, or me leaving the shower head to high for her, I would apologise but she would just get angry and hurl abusive language at me saying that I was doing this deliberately to antagonise her. It shocked me. The abuse got stronger and harsher, I was confused because it didn't matter what I did, I couldn't apease her anger. We couldn't seem to have rational conversations anymore. She started saying I was gaslighting her, and she couldn't trust me, and then she started devaluing everything I did. It started with my work, claiming i was sabotaging deals and my staff hated me, and then my friends, they weren't real friends and I needed to cut them off, and then my family, how could I have left my kids, I was selfish and uncaring. My parents must have abused me because I was so broken. Then the language started referencing my behaviours to psycological issues. I was being called a sociapath, a narcisist, a patholical liar, a passive agressive, an abuser and manipulator. I had to look these things up. I still loved this woman, I wanted things to go back the way they were but nothing I could do would seem to satisfy her. Everything I had said was coming back at me twisted and distorted and any attempt to correct anything was met with immediate abusive shutdown.

I went to see a therapist and she told me that I needed to end this relatiohship.

I moved out of the apartment. I couldnt manage with the level of abuse. My health was getting serioulsy affected and I knew that if I stayed I would implode.

A friend gave me a book on BPD (walking on eggshells). It matched everything that was happening perfectly (the initial stage of adulation, the later triangulation, and subsequent abuse. I was in shock. My girlfriend had BPD. The book spoke of strategies to deal with it. Setting boundaries. Remain composed. Express your love and caring and don't trigger abondonment. I found a therapist who was willing to help, and I would record some of our exchanges and discussed strategies for dealing with these exchanges.

I maintained in a tacid relationship with my girlfriend although in her mind she insisted we were no longer in a relationship. She would text and call me mulitple times a day. Ask me to come over and then more often and not seduce me to sleep with her. It wasn't hard. I loved her immensely and our chemistry was intense. I paid her rent and she used a credit card of mine frugily. She was in no way money driven. The abuse was still there, but I could escape and I had strategies to deal with them. This continued for a few months.

2 months ago I took her away to Merimbula for a few days. We had not been together for this length of time since I lived with her. The abuse was crazy intense. I had booked a 2 bedroom apartment atleast but I had to leave our apartment several times for hours at a time to calm things down. She became physically abusive. Threw my suitcase down the stairs, smashed a glass at the wall, threw food around and there was no possibility for us to have even a conversation even. It was all rants from her.

I recorded a few of these exchanges without her knowing. They are intensely upsetting to listen to.

On the way back from Merimbula she acted out unebelievably. Opening the car door when we were moving. Running up and down the medium strip, running off into the forest when I pulled over. I tried to act calm and not react to these tantrums. She escalated them. In Dandenong we stopped for petrol and she went inside and bought Mcdonalds. She spilt the drink over the floor of the car, and as we were driving started pushing french fries into my ear and sitting them on my should saying I had a chip on my shoulder. I asked her to stop, and then she rubbed the hamburger bun through my hair. Clearly looking for me to react. I didn't. She spent 15 hours in a rage that was unimaginable. I don't know how I held my composure together but I did.

On returning to Richmond I tried to drop her off. She wouldn't leave the car, and just kept hurtling abuse at me. I opened the door for her. She ki cked me and punched my chest, and when I asked her to stop she told me to stop being a baby.

I eventually managed to coax her out of the car and left. She ran after me in the street yelling abuse at me.

It was 3:30 am and I went home to try to sleep for an important business meeting I had the next day. (she knew this) She came around to my house an hour later in a state of distress saying she had locked herself out of the apartment. I let her into mine and then she started abusing me. She had a slurpee and spilt it all over my bed. I asked her to leave and she threw a chair at the wall and then I got back into bed and asked her to leave. She tipped me out of bed skinning my elbow on the floor in the process. She then lay down on the bed with me and tried to cuddle me and get in close to seduce me. I asked her to leave. I gave her a spare key to her apartment and she wanted me to come back and sleep with her because she was really distressed. I refused. She eventually left.

She sent me a text the next day with photos of scratches and bruises she had no doubt received during her rampages on the trip home and said that now I was a physical abuser as well as a psychological one.

I didnt react to this taunt. 5 days later I got a call from Richmond Police station saying that I needed to come down as I had been placed under an intervention order citing physical and emotiional abuse.

I played some of the recordings to the police and they immediately changed their tune and told me to get this woman out of my life. I was so upset. The police sergeant called me and said that she was so appalled by the recordings and that no relationship should have to exist with such abuse. She knew I was really struggling with it.

I went to court hearing and allowed the AVO to stand (without admitting to anything) until the mentions hearing which was scheduled for 2 weeks later. On the advice of my lawyer and the police I put in a cross order and made a statement to the police of what happened. My girlfriend was arrested and brought in to the police station to have the AVO served.

She didn't come to my AVO hearing. Wouldn't response to any police contact. Door knocking or phone calls. The police wanted to exclude her from my apartment as a condition on the AVO which would have made her homeless. I asked that they not do this. (how could i evict a woman that I so cared for) The Magistrate agreed and the AVO was adjourned for another 2 weeks. She came to this one but sat in a quiet room as she was allegedly to upset to be in the court room with me. I have all this evidence in horrendous recordings text messages which I have not yet had any chance to show the court.

I have stopped paying the rent on our apartment and I beleive as a result she is about to get evicted but she has now had 6 weeks to find alternate accomodation.

I have read and watched alot of material on the internet and even through I originally thought she was BPD I now believe she is NPD or a combination. Even though she went to huge lengths to talk about her amazing level of empathy during our relationship, this was never really backed up by any actions. The grand finale discard also supports that. She knew her behaviour was fully revealed to me and because I wouldn't give her any more supply she dumped me before I could in her mind dump her (even though I wouldn't have). I guess there is no way of knowing for sure unless she gets assessed.

Even though all this has happened and I know that any ongoing contact with her is unlikely and incredibly unhealthy , I still have these deep feelings for this woman and I want the best outcome for her.

I have an internal debate as to whether I should contest the AVO and put all of the recordings I have of her abuse on record. She needs help but the only way that will occur is if she recognises she has a problem. I have this thought that if light is shining on this in an open courtoom she cannot deny who she really is and seek help. Maybe the court will direct her to seek counciling as a condition of the AVO.

If not then she will continue this pattern of abuse her whole life and that is so sad for her and those that love her.

Am I dillusional ?

Is anyone dealing with anything like this ?

I have skipped alot of details above in the interest of getting to the point. Apologies if it seems disjointed.

M.