TRIGGER WARNING: My Experiences with Crushes on Older Men and Older Men Having Crushes on Me.

Hello, what help are you looking for? I'm struggling to understand what this thread is about, so it's difficult to offer support.

Hello, this is something that has happened to me. I had a bad experience with an older bloke before my teen years and ever since it has happened it has been a constant issue and following problem that I’ve felt I can never run from. Through out the whole of my teen years I met blokes to chase something that I was unsure what I was chasing. Then the hate and shame that overwhelmed me as soon as it finished. I didn’t speak to anyone about what happened until I was around 20 which is now a few years ago. I still have met blokes since and am still ashamed and don’t know why I do it as I don’t find men attractive in day to day life. I have never spoke to a therapist about this but have told people close to me thinking it would help which it somehow has slightly but it’s far from better. I have a problem with alcohol and sometimes substance abuse and seem very extroverted whilst with people. I hide the pain until I’m alone, I’ve had problems with every relationship that I’ve had because of this and feel like this one individual at the start has ruined my whole perception of my sexuality. I feel like a heterosexual man but I end up meeting older blokes every once in a while. I would never date a male and always leave straight after. I don’t know what I’m looking to get from here but if anyone has anything to say it would be very helpful. I don’t think I’m depressed atm but I’m easily lead into rabbit holes which I have been in the past. I’ve recently moved across the world so trying my hardest not to get into one. I’m starting to feel a new relationship might be coming into my life and I don’t want to ruin it. Thanks guys

@Lostinpersuit24 thanks for sharing, sounds like this has had a huge impact on you, but also that you're able to recognise that and want to take steps to work on it. It's definitely a tough thing to bring up in therapy, but if you do have a therapist with whom you feel safe, it could be worth exploring. You could even just send your therapist this post! I find it easier to share difficult things with my therapist if I write them down first.

I hope that even just by sharing your story, you feel a little lighter 💜