Unknown userMember
Sick Self Pity
I even feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself, despite my circumstance and logic telling me it's completely justified.
Thats how messed up I am.
Sometimes I forget.
Maybe enough time passes.
Usually a change of circumstance will present itself, and I will let myself hope that perhaps a change of environment, being with more positive people , and putting the past behind me will make things better.
And every time , I want to believe it so badly that I always fail to hear the universe's mocking laughter in the background.
And I so I make changes, to find in the end, nothing has changed.
You can't escape what you are. You can't run from what's inside your head.
And I don't know why I constantly fall for it. Because it hurts so much more than if i had just not tried all.
Hope is is a stupid, childish thing.
A carrot dangled before the donkey to keep it plodding through life.
And when reality hits, as it always does, that I'm just running in circles, doing nothing new, then all the clichés about broken hearts, and being torn open from the inside just seem so laughably pathetic.
I'm so...everything, that I can't even cry because that level of response is just so far behind me now.
I'd say that the best description is that I hate and resent that I exist. That anything exists. But even that is understatement.
People encourage me to try this and that, and 'chin up mate', things will get better.
I've tried so many therapies, medications, changes, routines, etc that I couldn't even list half of them now.
And no, they won't get better, at least for me. That's seems to be a fairly well established medical fact now.
Yet stupidity, I still expect or hope, that this time will be the time.
My attempts to cry feel more like I want to vomit.
I don't even think I human anymore.
