Where to start?

Hi, I'm 55, male, divorced, 2 kids.

I've struggled with anxiety since I could remember. I grew up in a household where there was often intense psychological abuse and occasional violence. My very earliest memory of my father was abject terror. My mother was not mentally well and she lashed out at the kids often. It was very rare for her to say anything positive. I was bullied at school, I was a small kid with low self esteem.

My marriage ended in a nasty betrayal, which has caused me enormous grief in the last decade. I did my best to be a good husband and father, but it was never good enough. I still have a great relatiinship with my youngest daughter but my eldest daughter 14 hasn't spoken to me in about 8 mths.

I gave my wife and kids the best of me, and improved as a person along the way. I made my fair share of mistakes and know that I caused damage to other people at times. It breaks my heart that at times when the kids pushed my buttons I lashed out too, often it was probably due to tensions with the ex. But I was acutely aware of the damage I could cause if I didn't break the cycles of behaviour. My sister is of the opinion that I rode my eldest pretty hard at times, it's true to a degree, but no less than her mother.

I was the stay at home Dad, long days, I struggled with this unrelenting task and told my ex as much but never felt supported. I looked after my mother during her slow death from cancer at the same time. On my 46 birthday I found my wife's diary detailing her affair with a close friend. I tried to stay for the sake of the kids but I felt the conflict between the adults was affecting them. I was running a part time business at the time too.

So I moved out and, then my ex made it difficult for me to see the kids a lot of the time. she was shacked up again within 3 mths. Turns out she is cruel and sadistic. She didn't love people as much as what they could do for her. After the separation she planted herself in the middle of my siblings. They would have family parties and I would find out from the kids. This put me into abject isolation, especially during the pandemic when I was stuck at home for arohnd 220 work days with no inco.e apart from disaster payments etc.

I needed familiar people to talk to but they were all having parties with my ex. It has taken me 4 yrs to get my siblings to understand my need for a family connection. They are starting to understand my situation. My ex is charming, clever and manipulative, but my sister is starting to see through this now.

All this is complicated by poor working memory. It takes me longer to commit information to memory so I procrastinate for fear of forgetting important stuff.

I'm educated, enjoy history, science etc, I want to live a good life and be loved for who I am. I have found cannabis very effective at regulating my moods and treating anxious feelings. I'm grateful for it and it has become culturally significant in my life, but feel like it's a bandaid measure. It offers relief but no strategy for improvement moving forward.

I've lived alone nearly 4 yrs and I'm comfortable with it. But I go days at a time without leaving the house or talking to another person. I can't see my way into another relationship from here, even though I would treasure the opportunity.

I have a lot of room for improvement and a lot to offer.

This is my status quo.

Thank you for reading.