The Emotional Roll

I don’t understand why this happens. I know that I have BPD, I know that I have some aspie traits. I’m starting to think I have a bit of ADHD as well, could just be BPD cross over traits, but don’t largely care if that’s the case or not and will largely keep it too myself as BPD has enough stigma and I think ADHD has worse.

Today. This morning. I experienced one of my big emotional rolls. Took maybe about an hour when it hit, about 1 or so from when I woke up. Looking back now several hours later. I think it’s probably because I worked the last 3 days, the 3rd week of a new job amongst lots else happening in life.

I slept well. I got in my head last night so didn’t even try to sleep until I started to snooze so crash properly about midnight. I watch TV in bed. When I’m in my head the tv is the only thing I’ve found that will distract my brain enough to sleep.

Slept thru to after 6. But woke up sluggish and foggy. Did my standard morning coffee, tv and started my washing which I set as a task for today a few days ago. Then I sat watching TV. This is a key time the roll can come. A ‘peaceful’ moment, a quiet moment where nothing specific is happening. In reality the roll is actually pretty constant, it’s just when I’m “doing” when I’m focused on something, anything, that it sits in the background. It’s when it comes to the front… That is what happened this morning. Following is what I wrote during it and I’ll leave unedited …

The emotions rolling today. The minor sadness morning wave followed by a nice little happy one. Then a big arse sad one. The ones I really hate. They physically hurt. My body tenses, chest tightens, breathe deep, tears roll, feel like screaming and/or big cry/ meltdown. If I’m alone, which I’m not right now, my son is home so I breath deep to stay as quiet as possible. I’ve come here to communicate what I’m feeling. I wish it was timed so people can see the timing of it all.

The big sad rolls away again. Happy comes back. I can feel a smile. It wants to come out. I want to hold onto it and not get another sad roll. I wipe away the tears. Clean my glasses. Blow my nose. Why does snot always come with tears? Like seriously are the tears not enough

Now a bing craving. I can taste the chips that I desire - smiths Cheese & onion. Now Pringles Cheese. It’ll roll thru my favourites. I’m hungry but not. These cravings ruled me for years but I’m been working hard and managed to develop controls and habits. I’m losing weight which with consistency helps me keep control of my intake

Sometimes this roll takes 30 min to an hour. The stronger it is the harder it is to ‘do’ my way out of it or thru it.

When I’m in the world at any point where I’m near/ with people I do all I can to control the external display of what is going on inside. I do not like when it comes out. I talk too much, I over share, tears fall, I can be fidgety, hyper, talk fast, lose words, freeze in a moment, lose the ability to communicate, shutdown. It can last seconds, minutes. I have all sorts of triggers & controls. So much of it rolls in auto reactions & controls and when the basics don’t work then I have to take bigger actions to stabilise again. Toilets are awesome. Society accepts you go to the toilet when I can’t just go home. I limit who & when I interact with. I have to be at a basic level to work. I have to control myself so much in the work place. I have to be accepted for my quirks. I prefer it when peeps don’t see them. Those that do either accept or judge. I obviously love acceptance. It’s easier since covid. Judgement really sucks. They range. Superficial interactions are easy and I don’t largely care. It’s the reoccurring ones I struggle mostly with in the world. You can see it. I can see it. Workplace is the hardest. You need to work to have money but to find a workplace, to find a way to earn money has been a lifelong challenge. I crave connection but struggle with people. I’m great in a team, with people that value & accept me but I’m also great on my own. The more time I spend with individuals the more they see. The more that comes out. Doesn’t matter what I do. I am who I am. I like who I am because the good is as good as the bad is bad. What causes me to be this way also causes me to be exceptional in other ways. I’m a full contradiction of all aspects of me. I’ve spent my life observing, analysing myself and the world. Adjusting myself to meet my needs and be apart of this world.

Now at 51 years of age. I am strong. I am determined. I accept & love myself. I crave connection but also know that others struggle with me. I accept that I am alone & will likely always be alone so I embrace it and thrive within it because now I don’t ‘need’ anyone. I can now connect with people and accept at some point they may walk away because they experience an aspect of me they can’t handle. I keep striving forward. Seeking new connections, balance, stability.

I want to find a way to communicate with the world. I want people to see me! I want society to see all that are like me. I want to help society change to be accepting of us for while we are different from the perceived social ‘norms’ we are actually the silent majority. We need to speak up but we need to understand ourselves in order for others to understand us.

Everyone is trying to fit within a perceived social construct from a long history of human classification that few if any actually fit but for some reason that I simply can not understand somehow keeps getting perpetuated in spite of the individuals that push against it. Change happens. Change is happening. I can see it. The majority of us are pushing, fighting for acceptance but there are still some that hold onto and push back for that social perception in which few fit.

At this point the roll ended. I think it comes down to me expressing through it. Now I’ll ‘do’ with the standard base of me… Something of an emotional hangover. Head hurts, probably stabilise at a base level happy until the next one.