StellaSNew Contributor
Feeling sad - relationship issues
I've been married for ten years this year. We have an eight year old and more recently got a puppy. I'm ADHD, probably AuDHD, and was diagnosed 3.5 years ago at 36.
Since my diagnosis my husband thinks I've given up. I've gained a lot of weight since having our daughter [edited by moderator], I don't take care of myself like I used to. I am disorganized and forgetful when it comes to daily household tasks and maintenance or organizing to get people in for jobs, crap at prioritizing tasks, will hyperfocus on my uni studies and am tired a lot.
I have always been super sensitive to people sleeping next to me, I prefer sleeping alone (my daughter doesn't bother me too much though and she sleeps with me). When we had our daughter, my husband and I started sleeping apart so he could sleep (I took care of everything to do with her care just about) and we've just never really gone back to sharing a bed. He resents this situation. He expects me to come up with a plan to get our daughter back into her bed. Every time we've tried in the past, it ends up with me doing the majority of bed times and it's incredibly draining. She has separation anxiety (and is probably ADHD). Something always ends up happening that means I give in after a week or two of trying.
I feel like I used to mask my AuDHD so heavily that I didn't really have a sense of who I was. I knew parts but I would be so worried about keeping others comfortable that I had no idea what was me and what was masking anymore. I was exhausted and my mental health suffered trying to keep up. I think I ended up burning out after having my daughter, which is why I got my ADHD diagnosis.
So my husband feels like I don't do enough, he's ignored completely and has to be the adult (jumping in and getting in a huff when something he doesn't normally do needs doing). He can be mean and justifies it with how unhappy he is about what's going on in our household. He just told me that I wasn't like this when he married me and I've just fallen on my knees.
I don't think that's quite true. I feel like I do what I can. It's never enough though. He manages our finances and works full time. He'll do occasional household maintenance. He is a bit of a hermit and works from home, doesn't make too much effort to see people but will go out sometimes. He will jump in with making meals, grocery shopping and doing school errands when he has to otherwise it defaults to me. I study full time, do a lot of the caring for our kid, make sure we have food for meals most of the time (though this can slip some days), make sure the house is tidy for the cleaners, do the majority of school stuff for our kid and have friends that I like to see.
I feel like I'm just not doing a good enough job, ever. I hate my disorganization and forgetfulness. I hate being resented for it.
