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Hey @Roses59 hot tip - if you want another member to be notified that you've responded, use the @ symbol and choose their name from the drop down (or type it out then choose it) so that it shows up in blue, like this: @Tiredandbroken

@Tiredandbroken have you ever spoken to the folks over at 1800Respect? They're really good, and might be able to help you navigate this situation, as it sounds very complex and very challenging. You definitely don't deserve to go through this alone 💜

Thank you both for your replies.

@Roses59 sorry you are dealing with this too. Your situation sounds scary, I hope things are resolved soon.

@Jynx I’ve had a couple of online chats with 1800RESPECT. I have also contacted a womens support centre to see if I can get some free counselling. Waiting to hear back.

Husband is being so nice and helpful and caring after latest episode. I’m trying to be polite but detached and it’s exhausting. I wish he could see his behaviour for what it is. I have so much resentment towards him from the years of dealing with this and he just can’t see it.

Hey @Tiredandbroken ,

I'm hearing you. I'm hearing how burnout you must be feeling.

I can relate... but from the borderline's side. I also raged, got angry, swore, then took off and did dangerous stuff. I'm hearing this is perhaps something that your husband is doing?

When supporting borderlines, it takes a lot of time and effort - probably the time and effort you don't feel you have right now. Do you have professional supports you can speak to?

When your husband is calm, have you ever had the chance to talk this through? e.g. "I just want to tell you about how I've been feeling. I don't think I'm able to live with the hurt that I'm experiencing anymore. When you get upset, I feel terrible inside...."

By telling him these things, you are naming the harmful behaviour.

The main question is, do you want to work towards repairing the relationship (even if it's for the sake of the childre)? Or do you think it's time to move on?

This will determine the approach.

Wishing you the best and hope to hear from you shortly.

tyme

@tyme @Thank you for the reply. Yes, my husband is rages, swears, takes off but not doing the dangerous things. He usually locks himself inside his study and gives us the silent treatment for a day or so.

Unfortunately I don’t have anyone professionally to support me at the moment. Aside from talking to a couple of friends, I feel like I am dealing with this alone. I have tried to talk to my husband in the past about his behaviour but he always turns it around and blames me and/or the kids for it. So I’ve given up.

I don’t want to save the relationship. I feel so emotionally disconnected from him and have done for a few years now. My body cringes if he touches me or calls me ‘hun’. He talks about our future as if we will be together always and it honestly makes me feel trapped and depressed. I have SO MUCH resentment towards him for treating us this way and never taking accountability for it. He went and saw a psychologist a few years ago, had one appointment and never went back. Yet the behaviour continues.

I feel like I have reached the point of no return.

Thank you for clarifying @Tiredandbroken .

I'm hearing how exhausting it must be in terms of always being on alert 'in case' he loses it.

I'm also hearing that it's come to the point of no return.

Would you consider telling him this so that it is all laid out on the table and neither is making any assumptions about the other? That is, he may be thinking that thinks are still okay between you when really, they aren't okay.

Seeing you don't think there's a return, it sounds like the main thing now is to ensure you look after yourself and the children (if they are still minors).

You can see if this free service is an option for you https://www.sane.org/referral You will be able to get some support over the phone if you are eligible.

Alternatively, if you ever feel you want to speak to someone from SANE, you can call 1800 187 263 (Mon-Fri 10am-8pm AEDT)

Thank you for the referral information.

To be honest, I am terrified of telling him. I tried a couple of tears ago and he emotionally manipulated me by saying he would ‘die alone’ if we separated.

Our situation is also very complicated. We have a child in a wheelchair and our house has been modified through NDIS to make it easier for him. If we separate we have to sell the house and I can’t sell the house because of my son. I don’t think I would be able to afford to buy my husband out.

To be really honest, I’m in a really bad headspace at the moment. I literally do not know what to do.