Juggling Life

Hi all

Well it's been a little while since I been here.

Hope you are all doing ok.

I wish to apologise for the lengthy post in advance.

I am feeling dreadful because my daughter and I had one hell of a doozie of arguments.

Reason you ask?

Well my soon to be 15 yo autistic daughter is going through serious school avoidance. It started to show it self in grade 7 with mild non attendance. It has progressed to now in year 10 to having major blocks of time away from school.

She is an anxious person and with her autism too it can be damn hard to get through some days for her.

I feel for her big time. She has a pyschologist and other school related supports in place.

Then there is ME.

WHO IS A complete and utter B.#&!...H at times.

it's not intentional. I am just a horrid person at times. I get frustrated and I try to keep my supportive cap on all the time but it slips off at times when "I feel" that it could be that she just rather not try either if that makes sense.

THat's where the b*#!..ch me raises it's ugly head.

Yesterday was a prime example.

This is a confession mostly as I am feeling very sad and angry with myself. And ashamed.

My daughter loves the security and safety of home but also loves this new thing she has found that is like a A.I Story. She and an online A.I writes a story together. Each playing a part etc. She finds it an escape from her anxiety etc which is great mostly. But at the same time can be an addictive past Time activity. Which she has admitted to being addictive herself.

The night before last ...she was saying she was going to school the next day. But Tuesday morning came and it was a no go 😞 . I think partially caused by a late night and woke too tired to get up. I requested she go for one lesson only but was met with a no.

Then this is where my B.,#@h mode kicks in. We ended up having a very heated argument where we both said things we didn't mean. Hours past and we stayed clear of each other till about 4 pm and we appologised to each other.

I am disappointed in myself with how I reacted. But in my slight and megar (spelt incorrectly I'm sure)... defence I want her to be educated and have a life that's not a struggle and be in a job she loves. And being old school thinker..I truly believe that U need an education to do that and that the competition out In the real world is so great that it will be a fight to get to where U want to be with a good education let alone without one.

I again hate how I reacted. It was not good and I am regretting a lot .

I currently don't work. I lost my job back when all this school avoidance began due to trying to juggle work and getting her to school etc.

I am also a single parent.

I am trying to also help my mum sort her house out and sell so she can live remainder of her life in a retirement village. This task will be a big one.

I am feeling very over whelmed with all of this.

I juggle all of these tasks trying to get them all. Completed. But I'm only one person.

I am also needing my own time to sort my own things out for myself. Mostly mental health wise.

I need times when I can concentrate on myself then I can't concentrate on other stuff that needs My attention immediately.

I hate myself a lot

I wish my mental health was so much better.

But it's definitely anything but that.

30 years of being a single parent has had its toll on me. 3 daughters. 2 adults now.

I am just wanting to go and jump into a black hole and never come out.

Disappear forever.

I love my daughters so much but I am seriously wrong in the way I behave.

I am so messed up inside

I hate how I think and act. I keep it under control for as long as I can but then it raises it's head when I get frustrated etc.

How do I become a better me !!!