Tearing Me Apart

I’m new to this site and chat forums in general. This is the first time I have ever posted anything. I’m not even sure if this is right place to post something like this. I just felt like getting this off my chest and maybe someone can help me to think more clearly about this situation.

I hope you are all not too judgemental and harsh on me for what I am posting. God knows I’m judging and being harsh enough on myself.

I’m having a very difficult time atm.

I love my wife but not in the way a husband should and not in the way that she needs me too. I’ve been with her for over 20 years and we have been through so much together.

There is no intimacy in our lives whatsoever and it has been like this for many years and I have been longing for a deeper connection with someone. I have been trying to tell her how I feel about this for several years and I even wrote a letter and presented it to her so she could see my thoughts clearly. She skimmed the letter and crumpled it up and then threw it in the bin. This sounds selfish but she doesn’t understand how painful it has been for me to live the way we have.

I have lots of love for my wife but I am not physically attracted to her and have not been for many years. I have told her over and over that I was very lonely and craved intimacy but she didn’t understand. She can’t come anywhere close to satisfying my desires and has never really even tried. I never really recognised it as an issue until recently because I was very inexperienced when I met her and had only ever been with one other women before her. She does not put any effort into her appearance whosoever. I often have to ask her to brush her hair before we go out or to change her shirt.

I am also a very active person and am constantly engaged in physical activity and outdoors and hobbies. My wife on the other hand spends most of her spare time watching TV or just laying on the couch. I have felt like I do most things on my own for years.

Over the years it has completely turned me off to the point where I am the opposite of attracted to her. She also snores so loud that I can’t even sleep in the same bed anymore. I know this is not her fault and not deliberate but the years of laying awake to all hours of the morning and going to work so fatigued has built a resentment that I feel very guilt about. For years I only ever slept when I was so exhausted that I’d pretty much just pass out.

About 12 months ago I met someone and after a while we began having an affair. We made attempts to resist but the connection was very strong and we were drawn to each other. I have even tried to break it off twice now but we have ended up back together after only a short time on both occasions.

I am now deeply in love with her and we have become very close. We hid our affair from the world by meeting in motel rooms for serval months and private places often 3 to 4 times a week, but we just openly walk around in public now holding hands and showing affection and I often spend the night at her house by lying to my wife about where I am. It is only a matter of time before we are seen by someone that knows my wife and I as we are both well known in the community. She is the exact opposite of my wife. I am extremely attracted to her and she is very beautiful and takes great pride in her appearance and health. She’s active and energetic and sassy and the intimacy that we share is beyond anything that I thought was possible. She does things for me that I have never had and I’m not necessarily referring to in the bedroom. It’s simple thoughtful things she knows will make me happy. She even dresses to please me and I know how that sounds but I also know the she does it because it gives her joy to know that she is making me happy. I never thought I would ever be with someone who I would have such a deep connection with. I always thought that the intimacy issues with my wife were my fault because I wasn’t man enough to ignite any real passion in her, this made me feel terrible and I didn’t know otherwise. I can now wholeheartedly say that there is definitely no issues with my capability to ignite passion and satisfy a women…

In saying all this the thought of hurting my wife and loosing her is overwhelming me. The guilt is making me a nervous mess and I feel like I’m loosing my mind . I have to hide this from everyone and it’s becoming more and more difficult.

I don’t want to hurt my wife and I never went out to seek an affair it just happen. Meeting her was a purely random event. We met in Myers at the women’s fragrance section. I was buying my daughter a present and she was shopping for perfume. I asked her if she thought the perfume I selected was ok for a 16 yo and we just starting talking and laughing and ended going for coffee, the rest is history.

Now I don’t know what to do. My lies to my wife and family are becoming more complex and getting me deeper and deeper. The transactions in my accounts are also littered with things that my wife will recognise as suspect as soon as she sees them. I’ve even been hiding my bank statements. I can’t continue like this and I do know what has to be done but I’m so afraid of hurting my wife and family that I just can’t bring myself to doing it at the moment. I have worked tirelessly to give them a very comfortable and privileged life and I love them with every bit of my soul but I can’t live the rest of my life like I have been now fully understanding the extent of what has been missing. I also know that my wife does not deserve this and I think this is part of why I am finding so difficult to reveal the truth.

I would rather not live than to continue the way it has been.