I've ALWAYS been the black sheep... Why?

Hi there @Razza1984,

Welcome to the forums!

Thank you for sharing your life story and experiences here. We hope that you find the forums to be a great place to connect with other members, share stories and ideas, and find the support and connection you deserve in order to feel that you are good enough.

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Hi @Razza1984

Thanks for sharing what sounds like a painful journey of feeling second best to your brother.

What a blessing you had your Nan, to offer you a safe place and a feeling of acceptance.

I'm glad to hear you have a supportive wife, and I wish you all the best in your desire to create a family of your own.

I too grew up in a household where I felt second best to my sibling, and I have struggled much of my adult life with not feeling good enough.

I have found peace in myself, knowing that I am a good person, that my values and beliefs are not those of my parents, and that I can do life on my terms and honor my right to live a happy life.

I hope that you can find strength in knowing you have a right to live free of judgment and find within yourself the acceptance you desire from your parents.

You sound like a sensitive soul, who just wants to matter to those you care about, be proud of your ability to care, and surround yourself with other people who value you as an individual.

Best of luck on your journey, from one black sheep to another.

Kindly Alisse.

Hi @Razza1984, welcome to the forums. I felt a lot of things while reading your post: sadness for the struggles and pain you’ve been through, inspiration for how you’ve been able to keep going despite feeling underseen and undervalued, and even a smile or two (I really like your writing style and dark sense of humour!).

You’ve felt overlooked and overshadowed by your brother over many years, which is big enough in itself, but that has also had a deep effect on your relationship with your parents. That level of hurt doesn’t go away overnight.

But (you knew there was a but coming!) like @Alisse says I hope you can hold up a mirror to what you have managed to do in building a life and relationship with your wife, alongside the love, care and acceptance you had from your Nan. There are people in your life who see you and love you for who you are.

I know it’s not as simple as waving a magic wand to make the feelings go away, and with the struggles around having kids there’s an ongoing reminder of feeling like you don’t have your parents’ approval or recognition, or that you need to compete for it. You don’t need to earn being worthy, though.

While not in the same situation as yourself, I have, as a childless person, found myself making comparisons against my peers with children – these are ultimately external criteria we’re setting up for ourselves. I hear your deep desire to have kids of your own, and I hope you can keep finding a way forward with that on your own timeline and not feeling lesser because it’s taking you a lot longer than you had hoped (as an adopted child, my parents had to wait many years for me to pop up!)

It's ok to mourn the relationship that you wish you could have with your parents. You may never get straight answers about why they behave the way they do. It’s also ok to put boundaries in place to protect your own peace and prioritise the relationships in your life that give you the love you deserve; with your wife and others in your support circle. Sometimes family is the family we make, and that’s what you’ve been able to do very successfully.

I hope you feel a bit less alone by sharing your story here, and it would be great to hear more when you’re ready.

Good morning @Razza1984

How are you going today

We are here for you and you are not alone my friend

I was emotionally, mentally and physically abused by my father until mum and I left when I was 11 but he kept rejecting me until his passing

Great you have your wife that is supporting

And even though we can move on a little and doing things in our lives , the past always have to raise its head

Tagging @Former-Member , @tyme over here

Hello @espressologic , @Alisse , @Academica 🙂

Hey @Razza1984 ,

You are not alone being a black sheep - join my club lol 🙂

Whatever it is, I've learnt to embrace your situation and run with it. We can't change being a black sheep I reckon.

Hey there @Razza1984 🙂🌺💜

thanks for sharing your story 🌺

and a heartfelt sorry for what you’ve been through. If I was standing right there beside you I’d give you a hug and tell you all that which has gone before is in the past, and all that lays before you in the future is yours to create in any way you choose. The biggest decision is whether the people who have not given you what you need are continued to be given the power they are given, or you choose to use that strength and energy in your own life.
If track records are true, I’m not expecting any miracles in their behaviour towards you, and so I can extrapolate from that that they won’t ever give you the value, worth, and credence you deserve when you have children… and anyway, would you want your little ones to be tools of uncertain love which may never come, and then they are subject to the same cycles of rejection and shame for being who they are? 💜🌺

I say this with gentleness, and with care, and with the wisdom of living much that has given me 20-20 vision, and without the need to mention what I’ve been through, suffice to say it’s been harrowing, because that utter crap has no place in my life or your life moving forward into better spaces from now onwards 🙂🦩🌺

Hey @Razza1984 ,

I was just talking to someone today, and I thought of you 🙂

I was telling them that I was always the 'odd' one in the family. I wasn't as clever, I wasn't as 'smart', I wasn't successful and outgoing like them.....

I used to feel bad and left out, and would question why I was different....

And you know what? Nowadays, I celebrate who I am. I like not being like them. I don't want to be like them. I like who I am and have learnt to accept what I am. Life's too short to focus on them....

I hope you find a way to love yourself too 🙂 You deserve it.

‘Hey tyme! So very true. I need to stop focusing on the things I can't change and start on the things I can. I've wasted my life worrying about what ifs... ‘

Let's just say what you've been through is not a waste of time. We grow through our experiences. The main thing is that you move on from what has happened so that you don't find yourself missing out on the present 🙂 @Razza1984

It's a learning for all of us - me included.

You deserve the best!

Hugs