florencefiftySenior Contributor
Feeling the walls closing in.
I am struggling.
My suicidal thoughts are getting worse. I am convinced that suicide is really hidden from society, and that honestly makes it more difficult to avoid thinking about.
Have you noticed that when they show a rare news story that mentions suicide, they don’t say the whole “if this story has brought up feelings for you, please contact Lifeline”?
I am making more enemies day to day. Let’s count them out.
The gym.
I joined a gym recently, and I am losing some weight. Unfortunately, though, I haven’t gotten used to paying for it yet and making sure I have enough in there. It’s only a very small amount per day, but I have had two payments fail, four dishonours in total…
The library.
I’ve got an overdue fee… I’m barely an hour in. And I used to love reading.
My psychologist.
I haven’t checked my e-mails in weeks, because I don’t want to read her response to me just not showing up to my last appointment.
Actually, let’s take a deep breath and check it together…
Just a bunch of ads LOL.
My psychologist did reply. She understood, but said that next time I come in, I will have to pay the cancellation fee. She said that if I cancel at the very last minute, that time is just plain lost, whereas if I cancel with more notice, she can move the appointment to someone else. Cancelling at short notice can have real therapeutic consequences for other patients, and I forgot that unfortunately.
My work.
My relationship with my team and managers has gotten to the stage where it’s luke warm… I work in customer service, and sometimes that means standing up for the customer when a certain process makes it easy for someone to potentially take advantage of them.
There have been a couple of situations where I have thought “this is not OK”, and my managers have had to say “it’s fine”.
For example, I really struggle with clients who have a power of attorney. Like I’ve seen a couple of situations where clients have signed withdrawals and authorisations, but power of attorney was given because there’s a suggestion that the client isn’t able to make financial decisions on their own behalf. In those situations, most people just say “well technically the client signed off on it”. Sure, but it seriously bothers me…
Just with the suicide thing… I’d say it’s the very few areas of mental health you can’t talk about. But again, that makes it harder to avoid. Right now, in my head, suicide just means “saying goodbye”. It means that the coroner will give me a lovely write-up in three years time LOL. It’s not real enough for me think it’s a bad idea.
It is a bad idea. I wish I could realise it, though.
