JazexCasual Contributor
Need help with close friend toxic situation
Hi all,
I am looking for some other perspectives/opinions/advice on the following as i am not entirely sure what to do in this situation, or feel i may be 'blinded' to what is actually occurring. Also, I would like some advice on how to proceed and how I should handle the situation (on the last, most recent situation).
A bit of backstory:
I met this girl a few months ago and at the start, things were really great. We got along, had a lot in common, shared a lot of the same interests, talked regularly (by-daily), etc. We became really close both on a friendship level and romantically involved. We mutually felt as though we had 'known each other for years'. She said she didn’t want a relationship with me, as there were certain ‘non-negotiables’ that I didn’t ‘tick’, but was happy to continue seeing me, spending time together, having fun, etc. I was accepting of the fact that not everyone is compatible and was also happy just being close friends.
Current:
Anyway, fast forward a few of months and I have started to notice something a bit 'off' with the whole friendship, and it feels to me as though it seems as though it is almost all one-sided, or almost as if i am being 'used', although I am not sure as to whether that is just me, due to previous betrayals, abandonments, etc, or whether my intuition actually is somewhat correct here. While we had been chatting the same as we had been from the start, until only just recently i have started to notice a few things that to me, don't seem to quite add up.
- Until only just recently, we had still been talking, close, etc as previously. Recently she told me she had been starting to ‘date’ others again, and would talk to me about dates she had, had been on, etc. I asked if she didn’t tell me about them, as I didn’t want to know about them, although she continuously keeps bringing them up despite this and just says ‘I know u don’t want to hear about this’, yet still tells me anyway.
- She constantly unloads her issues/vents to me, to where I am, or was, happy to listen and offer any support I was able to, although whenever I have issues, she does not reciprocate the same support and almost dismisses them, or changes the subject either to something else, or back to herself.
- Lately, and only more recently now that she is starting to see this other ‘date’ more regularly, she hasn’t been talking to me as much, although when I asked her about this, she advises it’s not just me, and that she also isn’t talking to him as much either (which I personally don’t believe).
- She also says certain things that emasculate/embarrass/humiliate me, although portrays as coming across as ‘just curious’ or ‘joking’, and there have been certain things that she has mentioned to her other friends, and then told me what they thought of certain ‘personal/private’ matters.
- She is more than alright with starting an argument, stating her opinion or boundaries, which I accept and I am fine with. However, whenever I try and state my boundaries, says that she would be more than happy to cut me off without thinking, if there was too much ‘drama’ from me, or too many ‘disagreements’, or arguments, despite it just being a conversation
- She has asked me for quite a few favours (nothing serious), but like a lift here, or there, or to come round when she wasn’t in the best ‘mindset’, or things like massages, comfort, etc. Though when I ask for something simple, smaller, or on par in return, it gets reciprocated with ‘maybe some other time’, or ‘one day’, or ‘I don’t have the energy right now’.
- Also, lately, she has also been saying that she would just ‘cut me off’ if I didn’t contact her first, due to her ‘avoidant’ side.
I guess my main questions are:
- Am I right in that this is in fact very toxic, one-sided, selfish or borderline manipulative?
- The last interaction ended with the ‘if u don’t message me first then u prob know what might happen’, referring to the just not talking to me again/cutting me off. Should I in turn message in some way, or just ignore this completely, not respond, and if she reaches out possibly continue to communicate, or just ignore this completely and move on?
- What would you do and how would you react if you were in my situation?
Now all of this pretty much screams ‘toxic’ to me, or one-sided, or that I am being taken for a ride. Now as far as things go, I am happy to just not do those things anymore and not play into these games so to speak, then if she cuts me off then so be it.
I wouldn’t mind keeping some level of this friendship (even if that means I set harder boundaries), as honestly, I don’t have a lot (or really any) friends and I struggle to make friends as it is. It would seem like a complete waste to throw this away, when there had been periods of really good times. So should I reach out, but only keep it more generically, friendly without going into much, or do you feel that this was all simply platonic, fake, and just to ‘hook, line, sinker’ so to speak and I have been taken for a ride the whole time?
What would you do and how would you react if you were in my situation? (I am not looking for ‘direct answers’ on what to do, but more other people’s outside perspectives on what they think and what they would do)
Really appreciate anyone taking the time to respond, and look forward to your thoughts and opinions. Thanks!
