When BPD keeps kicking you.

I'm 35, been diagnosed with BPD for the last four years, in DBT for the last 15 months. This may sound like a crap story but I need to get it out and l don't want to have to talk to lifeline.

I saw my psyche yesterday and I was in a reasonably good space. I have problems with over-attachment and a belief that if I can get into a relationship that will last, it'll make me whole/fix my problems. I'm trying really hard to break that pattern.

My therapist wants me to spend three months not looking for a relationship so I've deleted my dating apps. In conjunction with this, I battle anxiety and have been trying exposure therapy by going to bars by myself.

I was alone for most of the day which I take responsibility for, I should have been stricter about leaving the house. I was lonely and decided to go to a bar I like in Richmond to try and get out of the house and hopefully talk to someone. It was really quiet and I sat at the bar. I realise now I should have gone to the beer garden. No-one spoke to me, I can't begin to describe the agony of having to admit that. I feel like dirt and really want to self-harm but don't want my family to see the SH injuries. It's so hard to feel worth something. I'm trying to manage crisis now and it's because I was trying to help myself out. I'm not looking for anyone's pity but it's so torturous to be fine one minute, with your friends and family thinking your ok and then within the space of hours, trying to avoid suicidal ideation.

I apologise if the language is too graphic, this is my first post so I'm not sure what the language protocols are on here.

Is there anyone with BPD who's gone through/going through the DBT process and nothing gets easier just harder?