Family talking bad about me for many years without me knowing

@Hello1992

First I want to say congratulations on being sober for 9 months. That is a huge achievement, and shows a great amount of strength and willpower.

It must have been really hard for you to find out that this has been going on for so long with your family. I'm sorry that you had to read those horrible messages. Sometimes people act in a fake way because they don't feel comfortable or confident in bringing up a particular issue with the person.

You mentioned that you would joke with your sister in the past about this, are you able to talk this over with her at all?

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

Hi @Hello1992 . Welcome to the forums! 🙂

I can relate all too well to your recent revelation. I had a similar one at a family wedding about 15 years ago.

This one side of my family are always at each other's throats; but I'd always assumed I lived outside of that, since I'd never given any of them any cause to hate me. I'm not an aggressive person by nature, so I'd never lashed out at any of them.

But then this distant member of the family (by marriage), who I'd never met before, accused me of "not having a life"; and I knew immediately that this must've been an unflattering characterization he'd been fed by my family members, since he hadn't spent any length of time with me to form his own impression of me.

It was a rude shock, and very cruel. Basically sets you up to fail, because I was understandably reluctant to have anything to do with the guy after that, which only confirms their existing conclusions that I'm some sort of unsociable asshole. Well, of course if you treat me like that I'm going to be unsociable towards you!

I wish I had some useful answers for you, @Hello1992 . But the fact is that I've spent pretty much my entire adult life trying to figure out how to draw goodness out of others - positive recountings of the world around them, including myself - and I've never been able to figure out how to do it.

I'm starting to think that maybe some people are just plain evil. No matter what you say or do, they'll only ever spew bitterness and ugliness out into the world, often using your name as an implement to accomplish this. There is no "correct" combination of words and actions you can input into the keypad to deactivate the evil. I really hope I'm wrong in that regards, but I've run out of places to look for the magic code that will allow us to access the "unseen good" in such people.

Hey there @Hello1992 🙂

Welcome to the Forum, and thanks for sharing your story.

I want to echo the sentiments of @SkySeeker22 and @PizzaMondo in congratulating you on 9 months sober - that's no easy task, and you've put in the hard yards to get where you are today.

I thought I would reply because I have experienced a very similar situation with family members speaking badly about me behind my back, and acting trusting and friendly to my face, unfortunately.

It took me a good while to get over the shock, however once I was able to feel calmer, I debated what I should do... I decided to calmly inform them that this kind of behaviour wasn't indicative of what respectful people actually do, and sadly, they were making themselves look pretty bad. I did let them all know at pretty much the same time that I knew what was happening, rather than try to speak to one person, however in my case, I didn't have one person whom I connected with more than anyone else, and I would tend to think that there may be opportunity to speak with your sister initially?

I can see and totally understand how this is very undermining of all youre trying to do to improve your life, however I would kindly encourage you to keep growing and moving forward with your recovery, and you have value, worth, and are seen 🌺

PinkFlamingo 🙂

I'm truly sorry to hear about the hurtful betrayal you've experienced from your family. Discovering that loved ones have been talking negatively about you behind your back can be incredibly painful and disheartening. It takes a lot of courage to confront these feelings and reach out for support.

Your journey toward sobriety and self-improvement is commendable, and I want to acknowledge the strength and resilience it takes to make such positive changes in your life. It's unfortunate that your family hasn't recognised or acknowledged your growth and progress, instead choosing to focus on past mistakes.

Feeling like a burden on your family, especially when they treat you differently in person versus behind closed doors, can be incredibly isolating. It's important to remember that their behaviour is a reflection of their own issues and insecurities, not a reflection of your worth as a person.

I'm glad you reached out here. There are people who understand and support you, even if they're not within your family circle. I, for one, am proud of your sobriety! Try to surround yourself with individuals who uplift and validate you, and remember to prioritise your own well-being above all else. You deserve kindness, respect, and genuine love in your relationships.

@Hello1992 well done on 9 months sober! What a mammoth achievement, I hope you feel proud and fulfilled from this.

It's heartbreaking to hear what you're going through. The feeling of betrayal and deceit from those who are supposed to care for and love you the most must be gut-wrenching. Though there must feel some validation from the fact that you were right, its not a happy validation. I'm so, so sorry you're going through this at the moment.

I can't say why exactly your family has done this, and acted differently to your face. But I can say that if it was me behaving in the way they have, I would feel guilt and embarrassment about the way I discuss my family members with others.

I want to assure you that, despite the way your family have treated you, you are worthy of love and compassion. You didn't deserve this, and have every right to feel hurt.

No matter what anyone else says, you are not a burden 🌻