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So lost

gypSenior Contributor28 Dec 2016, 9:31 am AEDT

So lost

I am lost. I want to scream. I left my home some 8 weeks ago, the home i lived in isolation for 4 years which in hindsight left me mentally and physically sick. I went back for 8 days as i missed my dog and i thought i was the one that caused all the relationship problems (4 episodes of major depression in 4 yrs). I think now that both my partner and i were emotionally frozen, more so him. His way of showing love was to want sex everyday..is this normal? I dont know what normal is anymore. My head is all over the place and all i thi k of is how i can leave this life without hurting anyone but evrry corner i turn to says no that wont work. I am still staying with my son and gf. They both drink and i suspect she is alcoholic. I am sensitive to this as i am an adult child of a violent alcoholic (deceased). I cant go back to my home as i will be in isolation again and with a man who says he loves me but smokes pot everyday. I blame myself so severely and beat myself up for all the bad choices i have made. I have little money and finding it so difficult to start over again. I have no friends as this mental illness has pushed everyone away, no job and not likely to find one. I cry everyday, i have lost myself and feel numb. Yes i have sought medical assistance, gp, shrink, phsycologist and i have been to c/link which i have found to be a nightmare. I just dont know where to turn to. I have been diagnosed with Ptsd and major depression and dont feel i am ever going ti live again. Is this the depression lieing to me or am i emotionally out of control. I. would appreciate someone responding as i am getting desperate.

18 replies

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In response to: So lost

gypSenior Contributor29 Dec 2016, 2:30 pm AEDT

Re: So lost

Hi Happyness, it must be hard for you not to have that special someone to share your life with. Thats all i wanted but i have a habit of choosing the wrong people as i have not known what a healthy relationship looks like. Do you have any other children or pets Happyness? I had 2 dogs, my favourite.. Woody ..disappeared just before i left, the grief was so painful as i loved my dog, he understood everything i said. I do not know if i will get to see my little dog again..i hope so.

In response to: Re: So lost

AppleblossomSenior Contributor29 Dec 2016, 2:50 pm AEDT

Re: So lost

Hello @gyp

Glad that at least you are getting medical support.

I have not had a relationship since I left husband 15 years ago. I live with my son. I have often lived alone and am ok with it. I would love to have some somebody to share the good things of life with, but have not met anyone yet. I am working at just having friends but its hard not being manipulated by them either. I have a way of letting people do that to me, so am learning to speak up more.

I have always been aware of financial realities and choose places to live that are within my budget. When I bought this place I felt stretched to the extreme but it has worked out. There was a li mit to what my children would settle for.

I have not had a lot of access to mh services for me.

I believe that you deserve to find a place and get your dog and your possessions. These days people are having relationships but living separately.

In response to: So lost

gypSenior Contributor29 Dec 2016, 3:43 pm AEDT

Re: So lost

Hello Appleblossom I am happy for you that you have managed to organise your life to suit you. You must live in a isolated area not to have mh services available. When i was in remote qld town i saw a mh nurse and a lifeline counsellor. The mh nurse was pushing me to leave my relationship and she also said "you will be ok, you will get a job and find a place in 6 weeks and leave all your things behind as they are only things" and i believed her. I dont think she understood how low i was with depression and none of what she said has worked out. Leaving my dog behind was a mistake but on the same hand i could not have brought him here as there is no yard at my sons..my dog is a country animal and he would be suffering. I may have to go back if i cannot get a place to live and that will depend on getting a disability pension as there is nothing to rent under $300 pw. I am probably being a bit negative and cannot see a way though. I feel im in a no win situation at the moment. I can understand you trying to make friends. It appears to be a task with MI and being older. Im a rescuer, i seem to befriend people i can fix as this is what i learnt from my childhood growing up with alcholism. If i fix my parents they will love and accept me and i will feel worthy. I did not know that i could not fix my parents or anyone else at that matter. Anyway both my parents are deceased and my problem is hiw to forgive them for the crappy childhood and also them both suiciding... I guess they did not know any better.

In response to: So lost

gypSenior Contributor30 Dec 2016, 8:15 am AEDT

Re: So lost

Oh how i hate the mornings when my mind keeps thinking in circles. How do i put a stop to these thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. My head tells me im a screwed up stupid, smelly, ugly and undeserving thing. This stops me from progressing through the day and then the day gets wasted doing nothing. The anger inside of me is like a thorny black demon lurking and pacing but not knowing how to get out...i want to punch and scream at it. What is wrong with me!

In response to: Re: So lost

HappynessSenior Contributor30 Dec 2016, 8:09 pm AEDT

Re: So lost

Thanks for the reply @gyp

No i don't have kids

And i don't have any pets

I don't have many friends

And they all seem dysfunctional

And that includes some family as well

I'm actually trying to ween myself off some of my friends at the moment

Because they seem to cause emotional and mental pain and anguish

And that seems to be their main goal and they seem to be doing it deliberately

I'd rather be alone than have friends who cause mental pain and anguish

And again that seems to be their main goal

And so i'm finding it better to not have anything to do with them

And so its nice to have someone to talk to on 'SaneForums'

In response to: Re: So lost

AppleblossomSenior Contributor30 Dec 2016, 10:51 pm AEDT

Re: So lost

Keep believing that you can get a home with your dog. @gyp

It was not a very nice legacy your parent left you.

Understatement of the year .. I know .. at least the 2 suicides I have to deal with were young people.

I somehow talk my way out of mh services .. i think and feel I am mad enough .. but apparently not to get assigned a case worker or any of those things .. told to go away by pdocs all the time... have finally got an appointment to see a psychiatrist in March. How do people get to see them every week or even every month ..

I think that once per month would be good for me.

Sorting out who is good for me seems a big challenge @Happyness

Yes friends and family with dysfunction too ..

Good Luck

In response to: So lost

gypSenior Contributor01 Jan 2017, 8:40 pm AEDT

Re: So lost

Hello Appleblossom, thx for your reply once again. I see the psychatrist not often and honestly do not like seeing her. I am in a city area not by choice but where i was living there were no services apart from a mh nurse and she did not understand my problems and therefore i did not feel comfortable with her. Do you get lonely not having family or pets around you Appleblossom? My depression plays games with me..when im around others i dont want them and when i am on my own i want people..is that common with depression? I had appt with my shrink on Wed and she wants me to try an old mood stabiliser which means a blood test every 5 dsys. I am supposed to be on it now but i have not filled the script as taking it petrifies me. I have not been disgnosed with bipolar but she says it will??lift my major depression not even that is enough to make me take it. I feel stubborn has i have always had bad reactions to drugs including general sleeping meds. How about you Appleblossom? If. I stay in the city i cant have my dog as he is a counrty dog and it would be unfair ti him to live in a small space. Somehow after being here in a city area I feel i will have to go back to my old home as i can see that trying to get a place to live is slipping from me everyday..yes that sounds negative but i fo not want to end up on the street.

In response to: Re: So lost

Unknown userMember02 Jan 2017, 12:27 pm AEDT

Re: So lost

hello @gyp @Appleblossom @Happyness

Gosh, I am finding it difficult choosing my words to respond to all 3 of you.

All of you have endured great loss. That pain can stay with you for a very long time. Everyone grieves differently and depending on how you grieve, you will have different experiences, effects on your life moving forward.

There is no correct way to grieve life still goes on regardless of the fact that a person can be suffering PTSD MD. I have suffered both together, started 6 years ago. I believe that the PTSD has left and been replaced with anxiety. MD is still holding on tight.

The hardest part in reading your posts is not only have you experienced great loss and ill health but have also been poorly treated by the sad mental health system in this country. I wont get started on that because I have had too many poor experiences in relation to my son.

As hard as it must seem for you @gyp you must not go back to that man for the sake of having somewhere to live. It is a pity that your children are not helping you get the right help. The difficult part in all of this as well is the time of year of course. All of the government agencies go on holidays.

You have access to a computer because you are on this site.

go to lifeline.org.au search for domestic violence or just click on the link below. if you are just feeling so low that you dont have the energy to do that. this is what domestic violence does to us it strips us of all self-respect, self-love, our friends, our families do not understand. My family knew nothing until after i left. i was so ashamed and hated myself so much.

so ring National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service1800 737 732

This is your biggest step they will help you from there. forget about everything else at the moment .. far too much for you to think about and you are unwell.you need urgent help. please ring that phone no and talk to them about what has happened. how scared you are. where you are living now and are in danger again. that you have thoughts of going back because you have nowhere to go. they will give you some advice.

PLEASE DO NOT GO BACK to that man. I have escaped from domestic violence and that is what caused my PTSD a couple of years later.

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