BPD and my relationship

Hi @SkiptheDog,

Sorry to hear that you're struggling with some 'icky' feelings at the moment. That must be really tough, on the one hand feeling like you have a great partner and at the same time, feeling like your feelings may not be appropriate to share, and then having no where for them to go. Was there anything in particular that triggered the increase in feelings lately?

I read a lot of positive amongst your post. You're reaching out as a way to try to cope with your symptoms, and taking responsibility. You're aware of your partner's needs, and the potential impact. I hope you're also being considerate of yourself? Is there anyone, a friend or therapist, that you might be able to discuss some of these feelings with and get some perspective? It can be really easy to sit in our heads and not know how to make that path from point A. to point B.

Hopefully you can get some clarity. A suggestion might be to work on ways of building confidence? What do you do/have that is just for you? What do you do for self-care?

Hope that is a bit of a starting point for a chat 🙂

Hi @SkiptheDog

I have BPD. Officially diagnosed about 8 years ago. Did DBT which saved my life. Highly recommend it.

I’m terrible with relationships but I believe that is in part because the people I’ve had don’t cope long term but also because of the underlying behaviours that push people away. I also don’t force myself on peeps any more so if I get a feeling they are done then I back of and let them go. For me, everyone goes. I get told that it’s just people having busy lives but I don’t get it.

That said. One of the things I learnt from DBT is to question my ‘feelings’ logically to try to identify when they are driven by BPD vs real feelings. It takes time and practice.

Specifically for the abandonment thing. My hypersensitivity picks up on behaviours that my BPD brain says “there going to leave you, they’ve had enough of you etc”. I balance it out with their words. If they are saying that they are there for me, I try to trust it. My behaviours tend to kick in about 2 years after becoming friends with people. Depends on who they are and the nature of the relationship determines how much they see, how close I let them. There comes a point were I rely on honesty. If I start acting out and pushing away, I communicate with them. I try to control the behaviour but when stress rises they break through.

Sounds like you’ve already been through a lot with your partner. Keep talking to them, be honest. The more they understand, the more they can support you, the more you understand them, the more you can trust and support them.

When you get those BPD feelings to push them away or run away. Ask yourself “what’s underneath it? What’s driving it? Is it BPD reading into things?

Look into DBT - it is the absolute best therapy for BPD

All the best xoxo

Hi @8ppleTree,

I guess that is one of the reasons I have come here. Unfortunately I don't have anyone I can really talk to. I am so socially inept which makes it hard to build friendships, this is something I am working on. Well, embarrassingly, I think what has triggered these feelings is my jealousy. It feels uncomfortable even writing it to a stranger. I am feeling jealous of my partner working with another woman, I hate that I feel this way because he has given me no reason to worry. This year I really wanted to make the effort in building my self-esteem but hating myself is all I know so its going to be a long and probably slow journey.

It feels good to be heard... like I mentioned I don't really have people I can just open up to fully.

Hi @Josie72

Your experiences also really resonate with me. Thank you for sharing, I do tend to run from everything when I get the slightest feeling of negativity. I abused drugs for a long time before meeting my partner as a way of running from myself. Now that I am sober, I have to face these emotions and it is incredibly hard. I am still trying to determine what is real and what is BPD. The fact that I have been in and out of therapy most of my life means I am extremely self-aware in the sense of, this happened to me so that is why I feel/act this way, I have also completed a course in Mental Health so I have all this knowledge of what to do but its like putting them into action and focusing on myself is so exhausting.

@SkiptheDog, Well glad you can have a chat here then 😄

It's good that you know your trigger. Our relationship with ourself is the most important one. If we're not valuing ourself, it doesn't feel good, or authentic. Trusting your partner is important, but trusting yourself is life. Maybe it can increase confidence in yourself and acceptance that even if you were alone, you would be awesome.

How do you build a relationship with yourself? Self-care isn't just doing a facial, painting nails or watching a movie. It's also looking in the mirror and saying "Hey you Gorgeous Human! I trust you, I like you!" Sounds funny, feels weird to do, but it can start to break down the negative projections we unconsciously feed ourselves throughout the day, without realising.

I would look down, say 'sorry' too often, call myself 'stupid' for little things, like if I messed up directions in traffic, etc. Now I consciously try to practice healthy language to myself, ie "It's ok, I'm just on an adventure!" haha

As @Josie72 mentioned, DBT and other specific forms of therapy have proven to be beneficial to many people who experience BPD symptoms. Have you spoken to your GP about getting a referral for counselling? SANE have a support line you can call on 1800 187 263 and also offer a one-on-one guided service. You can find further info here: Guided service (sane.org)

What have you done that's nice for yourself?

How long since you have treated yourselves? Is it time for a luxurious bubblebath, silkies, and a date night with the partner to bring back the love-bubble? Would you consider joining a social club and getting some girl-nights/friend outings happening to broaden your social spheres?

Hope that I'm not over-stepping! 😳 💜 😅

@SkiptheDog

Sorry, just saw your reply to @Josie72. Didn't realise that you've been through the counselling path, and up it, and back down it, lol. Sorry to bombard you.

You're right, it's not easy finding the 'norm' on the spectrum of emotions, especially after masking with substances. It can all feel too much, or too little. It can take quite a few years for things to even out. Good on you for getting on the rollarcoaster to 'feel-town', after all that.

Wishing you a bit of relief. Also, just want to say that you should be proud of yourself. Sometimes we look back and realise we're further along the path than what we might have thought x

@8ppleTree Thank you, and no definitely not overstepping. I decided to get more support as I am ready to work on myself, I am just so sick of being negative towards myself. I had heard of DBT but it was expensive and quite involved. I do find it hard to stick to things as my emotions change so frequently. My GP is very supportive and is always happy to send me a referral, and I have sent my application to SANE to start a program. I think I really need to start connecting to more people, while it has been great to have someone to always turn to (my partner), I think I need more exposure to people with lived experience.

Hi @SkiptheDog

First off… Good on you for all the work you’ve done so far - becoming sober, all the therapy you’ve done and all the thing you have changed to be where you are now vs where you were before … Those early steps are hard as you often don’t feel the change and they can trigger a whole raft of other issues as you walk the path to a new life. Change is hard. But oh so worth it.

Being self aware is a huge help to working on things you want to change for you. Small steps lead to great journeys. The self awareness you have with the knowledge you have from the therapy you’ve done will lead to change - more knowledge - more self-awareness. It’s a beautiful upcycle.

I can’t see the other posts so running from memory @8ppleTree is right on all they said. Self-care is an imperative for me cause if I’m not okay then I’m no good for anyone. There is a DBT thing about taking a ‘vacation’ from life. It can just be a few minutes to a few hours, sometimes I take a literal vacation and then take my mini vacations within those as well. It’s just about taking time out. Time out from emotions, people, decisions, working on myself etc etc I suppose even the work ya do on yaself is also about self-care. Picking out things that aren’t working for you and seeing what you can do to change it.

Identifying what is triggering your feelings is a great start. You can look at the situation logically and address them internally. I so often find that the process of identify what is triggering the feelings then results in a change because you are already thinking and analysing yourself and the situation.

Hey @SkiptheDog , fellow human with BPD here!

Firstly, thank you for being vulnerable about this feeling. I know how consuming it can be at times. It's important to note that while it feels always that feelings are temporary at the end of the day. I think my main advice is to work on building your own self esteem and independence, finding community outside of your relationship.