Why it is so hard to get help

Hi. I’m so glad I found this space. This is my first post and it’s going to be a very long rant, but I desperately need to get it out there.

I’m a 53 year old single woman. Was married for 20 years and separated about 3 years ago. We have 2 children, our youngest who is still at home chose to stay with his dad. I love him dearly and I see him every few days, but it’s not the same, not by a long shot. Since then my life has spiralled out of control and I’m in a dark hole that I can’t get out of.

When married we were buying a home. When I got my marriage settlement I didn’t get enough to buy my own place, and that money has dwindled away slowly in child support and endlessly increasing rent and living expenses. I’m so ashamed that at 53, I have nothing.

i feel ugly and fat. My weight has spiralled out of control. I desperately need love and intimacy. I go on dating sites but the only men who are interested are horrible dirty looking men. The nicer ones only want sex. When I send photos of myself, I never hear from them again. I’m so scared of getting sick and there is noone to care for me, of dying alone and never having someone love me again.

I feel so incredibly lonely and I have googled suicide methods a million times. I know if I could find an accessible and painless way, I wouldn’t be here.

i can’t get help. I have a beautiful daughter who is always there for me, but when I tell her how I truely feel it brings her down. I can’t do that to her anymore. The mental health services in my state are woeful - going to the emergency department doesn’t help - you have to sit for hours with crying babies and people who are genuinely hurt , and here I am taking valuable time from people who need it because I am a cry baby. The mental health specialists look down at you… and that is not in my head, I’ve seen it. I can’t talk to people about how I feel, everybody has so much shit going on in their lives that they don’t have the capacity to deal with me. There is such a stigma attached to talking about suicide - everyone thinks you are just seeking attention and will ‘get over it’.

The thing is, that the sadness and hopelessness is so overwhelming and consuming that I can’t function. I went shopping this morning and just walked around like a zombie, in the end I couldn’t purchase anything because I couldn’t get my head around the process. I cry constantly, I can’t sleep, I want to scream at the world and everyone around me but I know it will make no difference. I don’t think anyone truely understands how soul destroying it is. Nobody understands what it really feels like inside my head.

But then I could be googling methods, and then go to work an hour later. At work I’m fine, I’m engaging and happy, but my insides are being crushed by overwhelming sadness and nobody sees it. I don’t want to show it, but I want them to see it. I want to die but I wish I could live.