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I'm frozen and lost

Unknown userMember21 Dec 2016, 11:08 pm AEDT

I'm frozen and lost

I'm lost

Last time I was on here I was coming out of a very well pure black place where every night I tried to end my life. I ended up getting help but it was to much. I found it to painful to talk about my childhood and hated my medication stopped me feeling extreme moods.

I went of treatment for months and started a very massive painkiller addiction. I could take 10 a day and most people fall asleep on one. That lasted over a year.

I got a new job a full time one where I can actually grow and have a real career and love being. I noticed my bipolar moods where starting to affect me so I under doctor guides went back onto my meds only having them to turn me toxic! People at work thought I was coming of drugs I was so confused and out of it.

I straight after that went on a month holiday with my husband to see family. I went on a massive high and had 3 hours sleep a night and kept going. Then I had a weekend away in a holiday house with my husbands family and they decided it would be great to laugh at shows with people who suffer from bipolar. I locked myself in a room for 2 days and did not eat anything. I went further up north for the last part of my holiday and lost my appetite and ate a slice of apple a day. I got serve anxiety I couldn't get on the plane to fly home. I literally lost the plot. We decided to drive home to keep me calm but I ended up passing out in a gas station in central QLD from anxiety! I passed out a few times that week getting me home from anxiety. Who knew it could do that.

I straight away saw my doctor and we started treatment because I don't got time to be sick. The first meds put me to bed for 16-17 hours straight. Could not function on them. I'm on new ones which I can fake function on but I can feel it clouding my brain but I can also feel it working but I can feel my feelings getting trapped.

I just want fully off medication. I can't do it. I hate the feeling. Hate it. Is anyone on here med free and doing great? Any advice how I can be med free and function because I've decided to slowly take my self of them starting tonight. I'm done.

15 replies

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In response to: I'm frozen and lost

Unknown userMember22 Dec 2016, 11:04 pm AEDT

Re: I'm frozen and lost

My partners family new about my illness before we went on holidays and my husband sent them links to read before I came. Most of them think they understand depression as they have had weepy days. They also think they understand anxiety. They got really no cool.

I think anxiety is the new cool illness every second person has it but majority got zero clue what it actually is. Has anyone noticed that? It's like sociably acceptable to have it while Bipolar is still so unknown and ripped on by people and think we are all just crazy.

I'm finding it really hard to keep a full time job. I'm also struggling really bad now being on new meds and flying off my face high. I just can't seem to do my best and if I can't do my best I get mad at myself.

I'm trying not to live in the past. I'm focusing on the future. So much I have everyday scheduled with a billion back up plans if it dose not go to schedule. It's helping me because it gives me something to look forward to and focus on.

I think the more normal me I want is one when I'm not stuck in my head pre thinking everything I say. Where I can relax around friends and trust they love me for me. I want a day where I don't think people are judging me. I just want to feel free to be happy and calm. Dose that make sense. As of late I have not been able to socialise. I feel tiered after hanging out with people. It's like they take away all my energy. I've never been like that. I've always been the first to a party and last to leave.

My husband is amazing and my rock but I feel like a burden. It must be so stressful worrying about me. I know he dose it because he loves me but his human and must get tiered. I am literally seeking treatment just to make it easy on my family. I hate being around myself and think the must be getting tiered of me. I just want to make life easy for everyone.

I do like the Bipolar me. I love the highs. I love I know what's happening to my body. I can read my self so well and know when I'm going to have a change of mood. I hate my depression but I understand it. But now I got zero clue who I am. I don't feel as creative, I don't feel so in touch with my feelings. Dose that make sense?

I feel sometimes if I leave my husband can live more care free. I feel like I'm holding him up. Because of me he lost an amazing job opportunity which I can't forgive myself for. I feel like I'm robbing him of happiness. I'm also scared I'm never going to be well enough to give him kids. I've given him many opportunities to leave me with no hard feelings. I love him so much I just want him to have everything his heart desires.

Both parts the High and Lows are why I self harm and self medicate. The lows I just want to not feel and when I'm high I want to bring myself back to level because normally after a high I crash bad. Sometimes I get both feeling at once and my body physically hurts and I just need an escape. Dose that make sense?

My doctor is been really good and taking it really slow with me as I had a full break down on my holiday. He keeps telling me I'm doing amazing going straight back to work after a mental break down. Wish I didn't because I can still feel the effects of it.

I have a picture perfect memory and can recall every violent thing that's happened. It plays in my head daily. I have tried my hardest to forgive but how can you forgive your parents for not protecting you and still talk to them when you know they are half the reason your unwell. I get mad at my school for not noticing I was acting out and stick skinny.

Thanks for the replays everyone. It makes me feel good knowing I can communicate with people that understand. I try taking to family and my doctor but I know as much as they try they will never really understand what we are going through.

In response to: I'm frozen and lost

Matt12Senior Contributor23 Dec 2016, 7:07 pm AEDT

Re: I'm frozen and lost

Hi, I took myself of meds as it made me feel numb, did not consult my doc just did it. I did it to feel alive and looked for options to deal with my head.

Writing this is an option that helps me, it’s my understanding there is no right and wrong with this process but understanding what works for you is important.

Getting appropriate advise / support is critical and don’t forget what your hart is telling you.

J

In response to: I'm frozen and lost

Unknown userMember26 Dec 2016, 12:30 am AEDT

Re: I'm frozen and lost

I just don't know what my heart is telling me anymore or what is right or wrong.

In response to: I'm frozen and lost

Unknown userMember26 Dec 2016, 6:36 am AEDT

Re: I'm frozen and lost

Hugs @Former-Member I'm sorry you're hurting so much.
Things sound so hard, it sounds as though you have a loving husband who knows you well. Keep trusting him.
Lj

In response to: I'm frozen and lost

Unknown userMember04 Jan 2017, 11:28 am AEDT

Re: I'm frozen and lost

So I tried to be brave and keep going on with the meds. I even went up a dosage.

Now I'm at work. My head feels like it's not attached to my body. I'm spinning 24-7 my eyes keep blinking and I can't focous and keep making mistakes. I don't make mistakes at work but OMG I'm making them left right and centre

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.