Jenny88Contributor
Caring for elderly alcoholic mother
Hi! This is my first post. I'm not sure if i've put it in the right place...
I'll try and make the back story as short as I can, because it's relevant but is also long.
My father passed away in 2015 after being sick for 6 years with a rare auto immune disease. We tried our best to keep him at home but we ended up having to place him in a home as he kept ending up in hospital with pneumonia. His illness was terminal and it caused seizures with alot of confusion which was similar to dementia. While he was unwell, we lost my grandfather (on my mother's side) and my grandma went into depression and ended up dying not long after my father.
Towards the end of my father's life my mum had met a man (I understand alot of people would think this was wrong but he provided help and comfort for mum and dad wasn't getting any better, unfortunately so I understand why she did it).
Their relationship was secret, and therefore, when this man died noone knew to tell my mum. She found out when she happened to be at the same place they were holding his wake.
As you can see, she has experienced alot of trauma with losing close family members all around the same time. When dad got sick, mum and I started drinking. I more so than her at the time. I ended up moving a few hours away for better work and visited alot. I got some help with seeing counsellors and met my now fiance.
One day I received a call from my cousin who had come to mow the lawn and he said that mum wasn't well. She wasn't really coherent and he called the ambulance. They told me she had a grand mal seizure and my partner and I rushed back home. This was during covid so I was already working remotely and we made the decision to stay with her to keep an eye on her and i could keep ny job working remotely. She was diagnosed with late on set epilepsy, put on seizure medication and told not to drink...
We have 2 separate dwellings so my partner and I live in one house and mum has her own space in the other. I also co own the property with my mum.
We've been back for 4 years and it's been an on and off nightmare. I'm an only child and haven't really been able to get any help from any of my living relatives. There's only my aunt and that's a whole other story.
We've recently had a little girl, she's 1.5 years old. I work full time and my partner works shift work.
I've been organising all appointments and driving mum to them. Picking her up from the club when she goes to see her friends and everything is starting to get too much. I did try to organise to buy a car for mum but she fought me really hard about it and told me I was causing her anxiety. We also have no public transport where we are and are 15kms from town.
Recently, I spoke to a caring agency about getting some help. I thought we could organise a driver and maybe someone to help her clean (she's a hoarder and also has mice living in her house because she refuses to get rid of them. She can't handle the smell of dead bodies).
One time she was in hospital, I cleaned her house threw out some rusty pots and pans and I'm still getting yelled at for it.
So I thought a bit of help might be a good idea. She shut me down and we got into a huge fight about it. She said she doesn't need a carer and got more help before I moved back home... she constantly guilt trips me and has never helped with her only grand child. Last week, my partner had to go away to see his unwell mother. I asked her for some help and the very next day I found her passed out on the floor from too much alcohol. She couldn't get up and I had my baby and I had no choice but to call the ambulance. They ended up keeping her in over night where she spoke in her sleep saying she wanted to die.
It's not the first time we've found her passed out on the ground due to drinking too much but it's the first time i've called the ambulance.
I've spoken to her Dr, they said I can't do anything unless she wants help. I've spoken to a solicitor because I have power of attorney. I can't use that unless she is completely incable of decisions. So I've run out of options.
I've been to counselling because I don't know how to handle it and I keep being told that I can't do anything... I feel like I'm just waiting to find her dead in her house.
After she refused to talk with the carer and threw my years of helping back in my face, I told her that she can organise it all herself then. But I feel terrible. She refuses to get any help. She's seen a counsellor once and thinks she helped them more than they helped her.
After this, she came over drunk and started crying to my partner. We've recently applied to refinance for some minor renovations and she needed her marriage certificate. She said that looking at her certificate caused her so much grief, that she went off the rails...
I'm sorry for the long post. I've tried to keep it as short as I can and have left out ALOT (mum coming over at 7am hammered because she's been drinking since 4am is a regular occurrence. Her meeting my inlaws for the first time and she was drunk) but I'm so burnt out and I'm wondering if there are other resources out there that I haven't thought of... she's a shell of the woman I used to know and I feel like I'm grieving the death of someone who is still alive
I'm just not sure how I can help myself and help her... my daughter is my number 1 priority now and I can't be a carer for mum. I just don't know how to get her the support we both need...
