Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Partner who just doesn't get it

SwearyCynSenior Contributor20 Dec 2016, 8:40 pm AEDT

Partner who just doesn't get it

Hello all,

I'm relatively new here, but have an old problem that I'm hoping to get your thoughts and advice on.

I have clinical depression and anxiety, diagnosed at 16, am now *cough* 41 *cough* so I've been living with this all my life. I've given it a go with meds and therapy, but neither have worked for me, so I just slog through it. And I do, I get up day after day, I've worked full time since I was 18, raised 2 kids. I just keep going, and pretty much have done it on my own as you know how people are with depression and such - you're pretty much on your own. The last few years have been particularly rough though, from a combination of life events and, I suppose, just being exhausted from fighting for decades. A couple of years ago, after losing my Dad suddenly and then my job (which I loved, and through no fault of my own) I broke down. Took a few months off work, all that, never done it before. But you know, the hardest thing about all that was trying to reach out to people and them responding in such awful ways - ignoring you like grief and depression is contagious, realising your friendships that you've had for years are shallow, being deserted basically. This compounded everything of course, and made my spiral even deeper.

(Sorry this is going on, should have warned you to grab a cup of tea and a biscuit before starting to read.)

My partner of 4 years of course stayed, and wants to be supportive, but has also made it worse (to be quite blunt). I think he likes to think that he understands and knows what to do, but everything he does is basically incorrect. He calls me selfish, and tells me to get over it, etc etc - things we all know are counterproductive to someone with a mental illness. But on top of that, he's constantly at me for my attention, that I'm not doing enough for the relationship, etc. I feel that I spend all of my time dealing with his expectations and tryng to educate him on what's appropriate, and never get to spend any time trying to manage my own mental illness. I have not improved after my breakdown - sure I went back to work and all that, do the same thing I always did which is get up day after day and keep going. But I'm not the same person, I'm so broken, and I just don't want to be here. I want it to stop. Something to stop. I don't want to exist. I don't want to be here. And while I'm feeling the worst I have in decades, I have this partner who is always wanting things from me that I cannot give, and have said that I cannot give. I have given him an out, offered to break up, leave, etc etc, and I have taken off a couple of times and stayed at a hotel for a week just to get some space. But I keep coming back becuase I know his heart is in the right place, but his brain isn't. I am so exhausted.

I keep sending him links to useful websites (including this one) hoping that he can find something that resonates. I've even sent him articles and pins that I have written myself! I try to talk to him, but he only hears what he wants to, there's so many assumptions, but it's so not on the right track to where I am and everything ends up in a fight because he doesn't hear what I'm saying. He has called a mental health line, and they told him I should try meds (been there, done that) but did not offer him any advice on how to actually communicate to someone with depression.

I can't keep managing him, and keep myself going at the same time. I have considered having couples therapy, but I've not had good experiences with therapy in the past, and I'm not sure I have the energy for it. I also can't ask him to leave me alone to try and work on myself, because he won't. He feels like I'm ignoring him, and the fights start again. I love him very much, but it has gotten to the point where I feel that I have to choose between him, and trying to manage my mental illness. I will choose managing my mental illness, because at the end of the day, I have to live with myself, and I have to keep myself going as I always have. However, I would like not to make that choice and hurt him. I don't want him to feel like this either, but at the same time I don't want to be treated like I am a "normal partner" - I am not normal, he knows this, but he expects me to behave as if I am.

I know it's difficult for people who have never felt like this to understand it, but there is so much info out there - not to mention someone standing in front of them explaining it in very personal terms.

Has anyone else had this issue and what was useful in getting your partner to a place where they are a help and not a hindrance, and also had reasonable expectations of someone who is clinically depressed and how to give them space/support to work on themselves?

Sorry it's long. Thank you.

10 replies

1 - 10 of 10

In response to: Partner who just doesn't get it

Unknown userMember20 Dec 2016, 9:53 pm AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Hi @SwearyCyn,

Im really glad you have come back on the forum. I do want to reply to your post but am struggling to think clearly. This afternoon I went to my car and couldn't remember how to unlock it 😳. I have some thoughts. In the meantime I just wanted to say hi 👋.

In response to: Partner who just doesn't get it

Unknown userMember21 Dec 2016, 9:06 am AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Hello @SwearyCyn,

A warm welcome to the forums from myself as well, thank you for sharing with us. It's great you have come to the forums for further support as from what you have mentioned you are not really getting that much support right now, is that right?

It can be really difficult for partners to understand how to help support someone with a mental illness so it's important for them to reach out and get support just as the person with a mental illness should, reducing burning out. If couples counselling is something that you don't think would help, you could also try Mental Health Carers Australia, they have a helpline, run support groups, programs and have online resources for your partner.

However, it seems that you have come to the really important part of all of this which is looking after yourself first and foremost, this should be your top priority and by getting more support to do that is really helpful to manage coping with your relationship and other things in life. The forum is good for that but perhaps there are some other support options.

I know you said that therapy hasn't worked for you in the past and would like to ask, if you don't mind that is, what aspects of therapy you think didn't work for you? Are there also thing's that you think would help you cope better and give you more support such as being with friends, family or doing a program or a support group?

Looking forward to getting to know you a bit better 🙂

Lunar

In response to: Partner who just doesn't get it

Unknown userMember21 Dec 2016, 12:05 pm AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Hello @SwearyCyn

interesting name am i reading, swear, weary, cynical or is that just my interpretation?

you have been soldiering on for a long time 25years .

just imagine if you had a bad back, migraine headache, neck pain, cancer, ms or multitude of any other or even more than one physical illness for 25 years. You would have had more support from the medical world, your partner would probably still be trying to fix you but would be approaching it from a totally different perspective because he could see something, therefore would have to believe, your friends and relatives would actually talk to you about your discomfort, possibly even offer assistance, you might even be eligible for home care of some kind. the list goes on. people would empathise, probably tell you about their aches and pains as a downside.

i can write this, because I too have experienced all of the above. My depression was actually diagnosed when i changed doctors at the age of 28. . i was referred to a psychotherapist who used a psychoanalytical approach.I ended up in hospital 6 months later as both my gp and psycotherapist went away. I didnt want to be around anymore.I was in there for 5 weeks then my husband told them enough was enough he was taking me out. I had been drugged to the eyeballs. When my psychotherapist returned I saw him for approximately 10 years. His belief was that I had suffered from an early age possibly even pre-teen years. When I finished thereapy with him I had a reprieve of approximately 8 years, however within that period my depression was coming back but I chose to ignore the fact because I believe "I'm cured".

As you have described, external life circumstances one after another finally made me seek help and I was diagnosed with clinical depression, then was put on medication for the first time. Left my husband and had joint custody of 2 sons at age of 39. More life stuff one after other after other. PTSD, saw a clinical psychologist for 2years she stopped listening tried to talk to gp (different one as had moved) noone seemed to hear me that i was crying out for help. landed in hospital eventually two and a half years ago again because didnt want to be around in there for 9 weeks, major clinical depression and major anxiety. in hospital 3 times within 2 years. hospital visits for change of medications ,time out.

my partner of 7 years now my husband tells me openly that he just doesnt get it. i tried to talk him out of marrying me because i didnt want him to have to put up with me. he talked to my psychiatrist during one of hospital stays with me as well. he was very honest about how he felt and asked a few questions. my psychiatrist said well done for coming in very few partners do. He still doesnt get it but doesnt react as often, seems to notice signs. sometimes we both need our own space and that works. other times it is after an upset we have to sit down and i have to one more time explain, i dont realise that my tone is sounding that way. it is not on purpose. please just let me know before letting it get to the stage that it upsets or makes you angry.

so i probably in total have suffered major depression for over 50 years. psychotherapist believes anxiety was probably in there somewhere just not showing itself until later.

For now Number 1: you - Beyond Blue, MIFNQ, there will be a section somewhere on this site with a list of them all. even ring sane rather than look for sites too tiring for you. ring sane 1800187263 and say help please. they will do the rest. talk about as much as you are able to and want to. you dont have to say everything. you need to feel safe and not get off the phone and start thinking I shouldnt have said that or told them that about myself. what on earth will they think of me?

i am so sorry that this is so lengthy. i do hope you have the strength to read all the way through. you will probably be bawling your eyes out and that is good as silly as it sounds. I feel for you so much that is why i have written this great epic. i dont want sympathy, im not standing on a pedestal. i want to stress to you how yes i get you. i get everything that you have written. i know how fed up you are of having to explain why why why. you just want to be left alone. you are worn out. i get it all.

i do know that you must reach out for more help. make the phone call. you have done the hardest part you have started already reaching out by posting on here. You are so very brave and I am so thankful to have found you.

you are very safe and protected on here. everyone on here is a sufferer in some way.

when you are feeling better, not now, you can look at the other side the carer side and read some of the posts of the carers, puts it into perspective slightly. not now though.

YOU NOW.

please stay on here even if you just say hello. we all welcome you. big hug xxxxxx

In response to: Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

AppleblossomSenior Contributor21 Dec 2016, 1:13 pm AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Hi @SwearyCyn

I really like your post. Its seems clear and relevant and balanced and caring to me. I dont "like" it because you are struggling with a partner who does not get it.

You have worked hard all your life and still have the mentality of working and "managing" re your romantic partner.

I found it interesting that you say does not get it but has a good heart .. are there gender issues more at play than your so called mental health issues?

I may be biased but I wonder at you taking on all the responsibility at working on things and providing for yourself and him whinging a bit like a little boy.

You are right to draw a line regarding .. unhelpful bigoted comments. .. if people genuinely care .. they do have to express it .. somehow.

Bottom line .. love and respect is needed for decent frolics to take place in the bedroom .. it is our rest and sanctuary for recovery and shoud not be a workplace ... hmmm ....

I wonder that you take on more than your share of the blame .. does he not admit that he has a little growing up and learning and maturing to do? Nobody knows it all ... we dont know what it is to die even if we have had a psychic and medical near death experience .. life unfolds and we need to put a bit in with the "growing older together" thing ... Does he realise that he might be a little demanding and childish and queenish in his "I want attention." You are a partner not his mum. Equal time out ... equal time together .. together time ... balanced re commitments and interests ..

ahhh ... what would I know ..

I used to try and manage both sides of the fence .. and it was all on my shoulders. I cant say I have had a successful whole relationship .. but need to reflect and acknowledge there have been many successes .. despite the failure of my marriage. I am not closed to new relationships .. but I have to very careful not to threaten my fragile existence .. so it would take a unique person ... ah ah ... they are all .. we are all .. unique.

In response to: Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

SwearyCynSenior Contributor21 Dec 2016, 10:10 pm AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Thank you @Former-Member - I have referred him to Mental Health Carers or similar, I think a phone call was made but it didn't go further than that. He seems to give up too easily or life gets in the way, I'm not sure, but it never seems to go past an initial phone call. It must be nice not to have to think about it every day, and I envy him for that, but that's where I say his heart is in the right place but his head isn't - there doesn't seem to be any follow through. Which is why I've considered joint therapy to keep him on the path.

I've tried psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors off and on for the past 25 years. It's usually when I'm at my wits end and looking for help and someone to talk to. It may be my bad luck, but I've either found they have a terrible manner (which makes me feel as though I'm paying someone to listen to me who really doesn't want to be there) or they are half my age and cannot relate to what I'm talking about. Or they immediately try to fill me with pills. This is simply not an option for me, so I feel they go to the textbook without listening. So I have found it disheartening each time, and I feel like I only have myself to get through it.

I have few family and friends now. During my last breakdown, a lot of friendships broke down. No-one reached out, no-one understood what was going on or even enquired what was going on, so I know I cannot turn to them. I'm trying to build a new circle of friends, but in the back of my mind it's always on the understanding that I'll never rely on them.

I would like someone to talk to, vent to, I suppose. I know it cannot be 'fixed' but I need someone to HEAR me. This forum has been helpful, also in knowing I am not alone.

I am considering therapy again, but I keep my expectations low. And I will definitely ask my partner to contact Mental Health Carers again!

Thank you again Lunar!

In response to: Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

SwearyCynSenior Contributor21 Dec 2016, 10:16 pm AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Hello @Former-Member, thank you for sharing your story with me. Yes, you are exactly right, it's so comforting to find each other and know that someone else GETS IT. I know that I haven't failed in explaining it to my partner, because you guys instantly know what I mean. It's a relief.

As you've said, later on I can look at it from his side, and see where I could have been clearer, but I know it's not all of my responsibility to make him understand. I am already suffering, why should his understanding of the situation also be on my shoulders? I've asked him to go onto the carer's forum here, but he hasn't. Something feels like he doesn't actually want to understand, as if going that far will make it more real. I'm not sure.

You know, our HR department sent around an offer from Beyond Blue a couple of days ago. I will give them a call and see what my gut says in that initial phone call. I don't want to fall into the same trap of going to therapy with hope, only to have it come to nothing, because it makes it worse and makes it feel more hopeless.

Thank you again, hugs back xxoo

In response to: Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

SwearyCynSenior Contributor21 Dec 2016, 10:23 pm AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

lol @Appleblossom, you have so hit it on the head. I feel like screaming that at him "stop being needy, grow up, who do you think you are, how dare you speak to me that way!!" but oh man, the reaction I know I'd get from that!!

As I've said elsewhere on this thread, I think he avoids putting in effort to understand, because that will make it seem real. He seems to have this vision in his head of who I am, and it doesn't match up to reality. In the end, he's hurting himself, as I am always truthful with him, and he won't accept it because it's not what lines up in his head. It's so frustrating, and I just want to push him away and say "I do not have time for your rubbish" and I have said to him that I cannot give him what he needs from this relationship if he refuses to get it and either be supportive or get out of my way. It may come down to that one day if the situation doesn't improve.

But wow, you nailed it on the head. That's exactly what's going on in my brain when he's ranting at me!! Sounds like a lot of us have been there! He has admitted that he does not know how it feels, but won't see that his neediness gets in the way and is not constructive. Perhaps he doesn't want to admit that he's as lost as everyone else is. He probably wants to have all the answers, but man, don't we all!

Thank you xxoo

In response to: Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

SwearyCynSenior Contributor21 Dec 2016, 10:24 pm AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Hi @Former-Member,

Would love to hear your thoughts when you're ready, but sounds like you need some time to yourself right now! I'll be here, and always interested in advice from others who have been there! Hope your week gets better xxoo

In response to: Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Unknown userMember22 Dec 2016, 12:01 pm AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Hi @SwearyCyn

I think your situation is hard. It is really hard to understand this. My best friend and I came to an agreement over my mental health. She could never fathom what it is like even though she saw all my crazy and loss of life. It is very removed from her life even though her father suffered depression whilst she was growing up. Anyway I prefer she doesn't get it and just accept me in all states which she does. When I drop off the radar she rings and hassles me. I think it's ok for him not to get it BUT I think he has to accept you for you in all states of mental health and that no matter how hard he tries he can't fix you. I know I'm saying the bl**ding obvious but I guess that seems to be the line that gets drawn in the sand. I have no idea how to cope with his neediness though. i read a saying that says 'I'll look after me for you if you look after you for me' perhaps you can sell this too him and then write down what that really means for you. I'm really sorry that is more complicated than it sounds like it needs to be and you sound like you know what you need which would be very frustrating. I really hope he gets it soon. I also really hope you find a therapist that you have confidence in and who helps you. Sorry I have no magic wand for you, it would be good though. Wishing you all the best 💜🤗

PS I am in awe of your kids too. It's a pity he hasn't learned from them.

In response to: Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

Unknown userMember22 Dec 2016, 3:00 pm AEDT

Re: Partner who just doesn't get it

hello @SwearyCyn

I am so sorry that you thought I meant :

and see where I could have been clearer, but I know it's not all of my responsibility to make him understand. I am already suffering, why should his understanding of the situation also be on my shoulders? I've asked him to go onto the carer's forum here, but he hasn't. Something feels like he doesn't actually want to understand, as if going that far will make it more real. I'm not sure.

i am glad that you let me know that is how you felt when you read my words so that I have the opportunity to try and explain what i really meant.

When you are not feeling as fragile, vulnerable and unwell to look at some posts on the carer's side to look at this illness from the opposite perspective. This is something that is hard to do if you have never tried to put yourself in the other person's shoes. This is why I suggested this. Only a suggestion.

If you are able to you might read somewhere that the carer has not an inkling of how it feels for the person suffering no matter how many times they have had it explained to them. Because they block the answer out. Too painful to even think about. Hopefully it will go away and then we can get back to how we were!

You might read that the carer feels tired because they feel that they are doing their best. They have posted on the carer site to get some help to try and understand why????? first of all (how many times have we asked ourselves that!) they might get some very helpful insights in response.

Some people respond with fear/flight. Too hard. Cant bear to think about that much pain. how can that be possible? If the person was REALLY ILL they would not be able to go to work, bring up children, etc etc etc so they are just wanting sympathy!

They seem to be able to be happy when with their friends/family (this is what i get all the time) (I am tired of explaining over and over and over I wear a mask. I dont want sympathy. With you i am able to let the mask slip because i love and trust you - this is so draining for me to have to keep telling you. i cant even put into words myself sometimes how i am feeling. When i ask you for a hug, just hold me until i let go, non-sexual, just hold me , be there for me. I need to feel held, feel safe).

male instinct is to fix the problem the majority of men cant get past that thought. they cant fix it so they get annoyed. They feel exhausted worrying about you so want some attention themselves. "what about me scenario". I dont buy into that either. I just let them know that, I understand how hard it is for them to get "it."

WHY? Because i dont know how to put it into words. there are no words that can give justice to how i actually feel. i have to struggle with this and be brave in front of others.

If you want to really be in my life still, know this, this is a major part of who i am. i will still be loving and caring and have fun when i am able. when i find a good therapist i will improve and if you look really closely and watch you will notice the me who you first fell in love with slightly different because i will have grown from my bravery.

Communication is the biggest thing needed between the two of you if you both still want your relationship. Perhaps you dont. Perhaps you have gone past that point. Only you know that answer. Think carefully, your decision may be irreversible. your decision may allow you to feel relieved.

He needs to be told how seriously you are thinking now, the stage you are at, that you are laying down all of the cards on the table. ask him to take some time and think carefully about what he really wants, has he gone past the point of wanting the relationship. make a time to discuss how you both feel moving forward, that you both agree on and stick to it

I say this not because I am making excuses for him, not because I feel that either of you are wrong or right. not my place to judge.

i just like to think that when a couple have been together for a long time, there was strong love there, is it covered up with all that has happened or has it changed and time for you both to start new lives. Be true to yourselves.

I hope that I have explained myself more clearly as do not want to upset you further.

good luck in your journey which ever road you choose to take.

1 - 10 of 10