Anger

Hey @Blue13 ,

Good on you for reaching out. It certainly sounds like you are aware of what is happening and you are looking to make changes. This is certainly the first step.

On the forums, members are able to share their experiences of anger and how they have managed. I have to say though, that it does not replace professional supports.

In saying that, I also had/have issues with anger. The psychiatrist sent me to anger management (but I didn't go). Working with a therapist allowed me to notice where the anger came from. No, it was NOT because I was an angry person. It was because emotionally, I was extremely dysregulated. It didn't have the skills to regulate my own emotions so that when I felt out of control, I'd lash out in order to regain control - and yes, then regret it later.

Long story short, by working on emotional regulation, I am now in a much better place to manage my anger. I'm still a bit of a fiery one at times, but at least I'm not living in guilt and regret for things my emotional brain did when it was angry.

Hope this helps a little. Look forward to hearing from you!

Hi @Blue13,

Have you thought of talking to a psychologist? It sounds like there are a few factors at play here, learned behaviour, venting to your safe person, it could be your way to communicate when upset even if you don't like it. It sounds like you had a hard upbringing and it might not be as straightforward as just being angry.

It sounds like you have a wonderful supportive partner that understands that this isn't the way you want to be with them. you are so strong to look for answers and try to find a way to be a better person.

@tyme is right about regulation, that could be another factor, have you tried exercise, lifting weights or heavy items known as heavy work when it comes to regulation, breathing exercises, sounds silly but my kids like to blow with a straw into a bowl of water with dish soap and watch the bubbles grow. walking, stretching, weighted blanket, dark room, scribbling thoughts down on paper, turning upside-down, tight squeezes . these are just some of the things I have done with my kids to help.

I'm sorry if this is too much, this is something I have had to deal with a lot in my house, I even brought my 24yo a punching bag to see if that would help and it did for a while.

@Blue13 It sounds like you could have some childhood trauma and I understand that well myself.

Your partner is such a smart wonderful person and it sounds like they understand your need well, let your inner child out to express themselves 😊 everyone expresses their emotions in different ways and some are afraid of being loud. If being clam and quiet activities aren't working, then thinks of ways to be loud and physical, like take a kickboxing class. Find what is right for you and try to have some fun along the way. Try some new activities to do with your partner and see if you can find an outlet together.

Oh gosh no lol if your anything like me, there is no way you could make any sense of anything you write while worked up, think of it as a way to clear the mind, whatever comes to mind and you don't even have to read it afterwards, you could burn it. It is just the act of writing/ scribbling whatever comes to mind. You don't even have to mean it, just whatever comes to mind. I used to do this years ago and it helped me. Completely different to journaling.

@Blue13 Instead of being angry, why don't you understand the reason for becoming angry. Evaluate the situation before you become angry. Understand, have compassion, and Empathize. Ask yourself, what is the overall effect of your anger when you lash out. What do you feel afterwards ?

Kind Regards

Wordman

Hi @wordman,

That's a wonderful suggestion but unfortunately some people aren't able to understand their own emotions, why they react or even how they are feeling. A lot of people with ASD and ADHD are made to feel like they are broken because they can't answer a simple question that most people can. How does that make you feel, what are you feeling. If you ask my 24yo that, she shuts down and if it's a therapist from OT to Speech or psychologist that is the end of that session and depending on the relationship with the therapist, the end of working with them. This is one of the reasons my 24yo is working with a OT and Speech therapist.

With myself, it took me months of being triggered and re-traumatised by one of my children's therapist to realise what she was doing and what it was doing to me. I was wondering why I was so angry at this therapist and why the thought of even talking to her made me ill. My family doesn't see her any more. This is a therapist that was apparently trauma informed but told me that only people with disabilities can have trauma!

@Miss-wish Hello. The suggestion that only people with disabilities can have trauma is quite an astounding comment. Look at the world around you. People from all walks of life are suffering trauma. Floods, earthquakes, fires, hurricanes, wars, ETC, ETC, ETC. You name it events like these inflict trauma to all people involved. You have done well to stop seeing this therapist. I can't see the point in speaking with an OT or speechy, especially if your daughter shuts down. I hope your daughter gets benefit from her sessions. it appears she is failing to be open and honest with herself. She fails to acknowledge rather than being incapable of answering a simple question like , how do you feel ?

Kind Regards

Wordman

Hi @wordman, thanks for your comment 😊I think you have misunderstood what I was trying to say. It's not that she fails to acknowledge, it is the simple fact that she doesn't know and a lot of professionals have no understanding of ASD/ ADHD when it comes to this. Not everyone fits into a tight little bow and this is why so many people have trouble finding help when it comes to not only disabilities, but also mental health. It is that way of thinking that made my child not want to be a part of this world from the age of 8yo. No one would listen to what she was telling them! to the point that she was told she wasn't normal and she thought she didn't deserve to be here. Her psychologist is able to get her to express this in other ways and not direct questioning.

The OT is there to try and help her understand her body and mind, as she can't even tell you if she is feeling sick! The speech therapist is to help her to put it into words, so others will understand what she is saying. That way she can go to the doctor without me and not be belittle by the doctor for everything.

I understand trauma well as I have complex childhood trauma, dv trauma, SA trauma to the point that it feels like I am a magnet for the trauma cycle! Let alone what my family deals with via people not understanding their disabilities and thinking they know better without knowing anything about my family, this not only comes from professionals but so called friends that look at my kids and only see "normal" children, even with there complex diagnoses.

Please be aware that everyone's journey is different and just because you are able to know your emotions/ how you feel, how to answer questions about yourself, doesn't mean everyone can. And it diminishes other peoples journey/ lived experiences