Mother Seeking Advice

hello @Former-Member

It is incredible the pain and anguish that some parents or family members are put through and yet others experience nothing in comparison.

I dont wish these experiences on anyone.

I just find it hard carrying on every day stuff where other people, friends or family who know me so well, I have to wear that tight fitting mask. I have to smile and smile and smile until my jaw aches. I have to ask after them and hear about some of their petty comments when all i would like to do is shout out to the sky for heaven sakes

do you really think that you are going through a badtime? ................................................... but I dont, I refrain and keep smiling. I remind myself that their judgement of me is inconsequential, i dont need their approval to be me.

I cant think of anything inspirational to say to you and actually dont think i should. you dont need that. i just want you to know that i have read your words and felt your pain and deep sorrow. sometimes they just have to live their own life and make their own mistakes. We love them the same, tell them so when they allow us to and leave an opening for them to come back to us when needed.

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@mohill wrote:

hello @Former-Member

It is incredible the pain and anguish that some parents or family members are put through and yet others experience nothing in comparison.

I cant think of anything inspirational to say to you and actually dont think i should. you dont need that. i just want you to know that i have read your words and felt your pain and deep sorrow. sometimes they just have to live their own life and make their own mistakes. We love them the same, tell them so when they allow us to and leave an opening for them to come back to us when needed.

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Hello @Former-Member

Thank you for your incredibly honest and supportive post. It really did help.

You are so correct in saying the above. After doing our upmost to support, guide and protect, it really does come down to the fact that they are adults and have to lead their own life; hopefully learning by their mistakes so no further harm is done, - and then leave an opening for them to come back when they need us. This is what I am doing presently, trying not to worry constantly. No more will I allow myself to become too emotionally attached which leaves me traumatised time and time again. But the love is still there. Such wise words you say - thank you, that to me is what's inspiring. And I needed to hear it.

The extraordinary stress comes from the situation that our daughter lives with us and is constantly dependant on us. It's looks like she has now lost her job again because of this recent assault and we have to watch her shut herself in her room where she could be self destructive at any time. Its so depressing to witness. It's like living with a ticking time bomb. So I live from moment to moment and yes, I keep up daily activities. I have been cross stitching today.

It can be incredibly hard to do this as the emotional state is in turmoil - and I can feel so helpless. But I don't give into how I feel - I just do it. And it does help me from going over the edge which I refuse to do again. I need to have a life and to be honest and am tired of having it being taken away continually through trauma and grief. So sick of it. So I am kicking into that inner strength now and it is helping. It is also helping my husband to cope. What will happen tomorrow - who knows, I am just doing my cross stitch, a bit of washing etc now. And that's all I focus on. In my heart I am saying to trauma/grief - enough is enough. You are not going to destroy me without a fight until the end. That's where I am at. It's survival and being fed up in a sense. And tomorrow is a new day.

I believe I don't have to smile all the time around others. If socialising I will be happy to be good company - and I always find this helps me to at least enjoy that moment in time. Why should I be robbed of total joy?, I say to myself. And that inner strength kicks in. It doesn't last but I am making the most of my sad lot currently.

I am glad you don't allow others judgements to effect you. No one can really do that unless they walk a mile in our shoes, and we have to question "would they handle it any better?". I tell no one of what I am going through entirely as my few close friends worry and feel angry that I suffer so. They want for me to be happy as they feel I deserve much better in life and that on its ownis comforting. Someone feels for us. And then I just push through keeping busy. It really keeps major depression/anxiety at bay. It keeps me going even though at times deep inside I am dying.

It is incredible how we can suffer such anguish and others don't know the meaning of suffering - yet will complain over the most minuscule of problems. It does grind on the nerves. But working for the disadvantaged I have seen such sad situations where others put on such a brave face, so I know we are not alone. But our situation is up there - losing a child to MI and seeing them suffer and self harm is soul destroying. I just pray for the strength to carry it to hopefully better times. I can't give up that hope.

I am glad you are on here, please keep posting @Former-Member and thank you for listening allowing me a moment of reprieve by getting this off my chest. Sending you a warm hug xxxxxx

hello @Former-Member

I am working very hard at not letting or not taking any notice of others judging me. Due to working through my own illness, my twin's years of physical illnesses, adapting to the moods of my ninety year old mother, supporting my younger son who has overcome challenges, surviving the daily not knowing where my older son in denial of his illness and on the move again but not telling us where, my husband's heart tests, plus his judgemental, critical family, - I am going through a change myself. I am emerging even stronger each time, my personality and eccentricities are more pronounced and I am even more assertive than before. I think i might be quite formidable in the eyes of some. Tough. get over it. i have had to get through far more. this is my approach today.

I must say this though:

I cant begin to tell you the feeling i have in reading your response. The fact that i was able to connect with you in a minute way means so much to me for my journey.

I have tried to express many times before how grateful i am for this site.

This experience of communicating, sharing, feeling and receiving thanks is something that does not come in a pill, researching, visiting a medical practitioner. This is deep. Yes I am very deep.

I believe that this is part of what it is all about. the suffering and reaching out to another, not just for their help, but to give help because of the empathy that you feel and in return, the thanks and appreciation expressed, is on another level. i cannot put it into any other words i am just feeling it so deeply. Very spiritual.

I thank you back overtheedge (you are balancing in the middle of the edge).

I wont say any more because you will all think that i have flipped my lid. take care my special friends xx

hi OverThe Edge,

thank you for all your very valued advice. these are things I have already used in action and found to be very usefull, I found out the hard way since I couldn't get any help at the time, I felt , back then, that I was looked upon as if I had done everything wrong as a mother the one thing I took such great pride in... I'm curred of that now though.Thank you for reasuring me of these safe guards.

When all this first happened I thought that space was definately what my beautiful girl needed so I gave it to her. this was one enoumous leap of faith for me but I had no cards left except the trust I had in her and her abilities. I felt I had to put that trust to the test I had to do something to make a difference. I couldn't do nothing and watch her changing away from the wonderfully daughter she had always been, any more, because it didn't work. I also gave her some responsibilities with the hope she understood how much I trusted her. I think she appreciated the task I set for her because through everything, she lived up to all the expectations and while I was indisposed she had my affairs working better than I could get them to work... hence my trust in her is still very relevent and I am very pround of her for how she manages everthings , even now.

I don't want to push her, as you said that just pushes her futher away. so patience and prayer is all I have left to offer apart from all this love for her that she dosen't seem to want at the moment.

You may notice a change in me right now. well that is because I heard her voice today on the phone. Just for a couple of minutes she spoke to me. I could gauge she wasn't OK but what was so good was she spoke to me and I spoke to her. For a moment at least I feel sane and I can think straight enough to think of some things other than my daughter. so I make the best of it, I feel cheered up and functional again... at least for now.

No this isn't about me. its about my little girl. but it is about me too because I have live too.. I can't do that properly without her, even with all her faults...She was given to me to cherish and she is apart of me. I am responsible for her until she takes on that resposibility. I missed something somehow but all hope is not lost and there is a great big future ahead of us. There isn't any room to believe any thing else.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and all her troubles. It is amazing how much human suffering a single person can take. I think you are right to pray for the strength to carry it though. I am sure all this suffering is not for nothing.

Hello again dear @Former-Member

No I don't think you have flipped your lid - I think you are wonderful! And very wise - reaching out and giving support out of empathy is growing spiritually. Compassion does strengthen the mind and spirit even when we are suffering so deeply. It keeps us strong although we all will have our moments. It's being human.

It's grief that can bring me undone at times, so I keep that vision of better days ahead clear in my mind which can help me from tipping over. And I can't allow room for doubt or I will go under. Yes, I am balancing in the middle for now as I work at pulling myself back from the edge. And yes, it's never easy. But I do believe that good will win out in the end.

I have also experienced that resilience develops over time after being through and dealing with so much in the best way we can - which at times seems to be impossible odds (hitting head against a brick wall). Resilience, endurance and at times - resignation of what is. Whilst being compassionate, we also get to a stage of drawing a line in the sand where we won't put up with being treated in unacceptable ways. As enough becomes enough. I think that is what is gradually happening to you. A very good thing 😊

My daughter is slowly doing this as well - but her insight is dim, she can't see that her bad choices is opening the door to the abuse she suffers. I am trying to get through to her once again but her MI has flared up making it difficult to reason with her. I will just have to be patient and hope.

I am also grateful for this site and our connection which is special. Sending you much love 💕

hello @misunderstood

so wonderful to hear that you had that precious time on the telephone just hearing her voice. we would love for them to ring and say i am fabulous mum life is just great i am cured. I know that feeling.

Just to hear from them is something to hold on to.

take care xx

Hello @misunderstood

So good to read another post from you. I do understand the pain and grief when we feel we are losing the child we nurtured and cherished; whom was our whole world and made it complete. The thought of losing their love and presence in our life is indescribable grief when it's "by choice"; our hearts intwined in so much agony through their loss or the "possible threat of it " (which I believe is how you may feel), we feel we can't cope, live or carry on. We are imco plete without them. And so just to hear their voice gives us the hope to carry on. I have experienced this so many times.

So glad you spoke to your daughter - Keep the connection with your daughter going, keep nurturing, keep praying - we don't have to resolve their personal struggles, just let them know we are there for them. And keep that hope of a better future as it will get better my friend. And please know we will always be here for you. I agree, the suffering even though is not a good thing - we can bring good out of it. Compassion for others. It's isn't for nothing for there is always a point and a purpose. And I still enjoy the little things which I seem to appreciate even more.

Keep posting and letting us know how you are going. Warm hugs xx💕

hello @Former-Member

it is so hard to find the right words when they are struggling with the mental illness.

slowly slowly gentle steps. give her space and let her know that you are there for her at the same time.

listen to myself, my son in total denial of illness, escaped to another state. has foiled police twice. who am "oh wise one".

i am just trying to make light of it just for now. just for this moment. working up to when i ring him on monday and dont have a clue what to say. last time when i asked "how are you love" response "how the f....g H..l do you think i am stupid? he doesnt normally swear at me he is well mannered. it is the illness.

The police have just arrived as someone reported that my daughter was threatening self harm by text. Glad someone cared enough to do so as she has attempted suicide recently. Please Keep me in your thoughts and prayers

Hi over the edge,

Hang in there. no matter what, this moment will past. Your daughter cared enough to ring someone and tell them how she feels. she saved her self no matter how hard it seems right now.

You are both in my deepest prayers along with my daughter. just believe and have faith.It will get better. keep that thought.