How much and what should we disclose to our loved ones

Thanks @Former-Member, @utopia, @Squirrel, @mrkotter, @Appleblossom

I think I will maybe think about it more. It's funny because I've talked about it with my therapist before, and she came to the house and spoke with the kids a few weeks back and just told them I was quite unwell. Part of me thinks that everything they've been told is very vague. I want them to grow up in an era when mental illness isn't stigmatised, but in order for that to happen there has to be an understanding of what mental illness really means. I have to find the line that doesn't traumatise them or cause them fear for me too. What does mentally unwell really mean?

As it turned out I had a conversation with my youngest the other day which he asked if my latest SH was the same as the first and only time he has witnessed it. I told him "yes but that my therapist knew and called the ambulance so it was much safer" 😏 😳 I'm not really sure how he processed that but he is meeting (and communicating) with a psychologist and so I hope if he needs, he'll get that help.

It has been really helpful to read your stories and thoughts on it. I hope it helps others to read them too as it is such a grey area. I think @Appleblossom did point out something that I hadn't thought of too...in that my kids didn't grow up with this, it has only been 5 years (although many things were there for a long time, just undiagnosed). It was largely covered up by my very supportive ex partner who always picked up the pieces when I went under. Your mother instincts have been so strong @Appleblossom and I think that is something you can have great pride in, it is something I feel the opposite for me.

Interesting what your son said too @Former-Member about you and your ex getting back together. I have been blessed that my kids are totally fine with this too and comment that they couldn't imagine their dad and I together.

I hope this conversation continues for others 💜🤗

Thanks @Former-Member It been a huge journey of acceptance regarding my girls.

I started mothering D1 with DHS Adoptive Services social worker dept head advising me .. we would sit on the floor of her office and play with baby .. and talk... that went on for about 5 months before they dropped us ..

verbal disclosure is only part of our emotional expression .. but an important "tool".

take care

I agree with you @Former-Member, it would be wonderful to live in a world where mental illness is not hidden away, and sometimes I think it is up to us to educate those around us. I'm very honest about it with my friends and family, and it certainly sorts the wheat from the chaff, but they are adults and there is enough information out there that they should be able to respond in an appropriate manner in this day and age. I cannot take responsibility for how they respond, but it is my responsibility to let them know that an inappropriate response can be harmful. I honestly have no tolerance for adults who don't know how to deal with depression anymore. It's not the 1950s.

My kids know. They are wonderful, and they've had to deal with it their whole lives, and I feel bad for that. But at the same time they have grown up (now 21 and 16) to be very accepting and supporting people, and they could have only been that way because of how they grew up. I felt that they had to know, so they could understand when I couldn't be the mother they needed. There have only been a couple of frank uncomfortable discussions, and now that they are over and done with, it's day-to-day. My 16 year old automatically knows when I'm not great, and always responds in a way that is helpful, and better than pretty much all the adults I know. They also reach out to each other when I break down, which is amazing.

Obviously it's on a case by case basis, but from my own experience I would recommend talking with them about it. There will be uncomfortable moments, and bad moments, but it will give them a head start on a new culture. Then hopefully when they are adults, or when their kids are adults, they won't have to deal with what we have had to deal with.

As for them being traumatised, I think that depends on the style of communication. Serious, as it deserves, but also conversational. Kids are so used to being "told" things and not being allowed to ask questions or discuss. I always try to keep the tone light, so they're not freaked out, but they understand the words. There have been a couple of really bad times. I remember saying to my son last year "I'm really really sick" and just bawling, it was awful. But he'd already had a heads up and just waited until we could have a conversation.

Honestly, my kids have been my lifeline. They succeed where adults constantly fail. I wouldn't make it without them. You may find the same. Good luck, love, and I hope you find the path you need.

@SwearyCynI am struck by your comment about how adults dealing with depression. "Its not the 1950s."

I agree. I must have had very bad luck, but thanks to the discussions on this forum, I am raising my expectations about how I am treated.

@Former-Memberit is interesting that DHS did not ask any questions at all about why I was getting involved in such a huge commitment .. alarm bells .. that is not right ..

My partner told me not to mention my background ..

So on the topic of disclosing .. I did what I was told .. and did not mention it .. though there was no way I could have fibbed or even flubbed them off if they had made enquiries .. for God's sake .. they knew I was attending a funeral .. and had to leave an interview .. it was a double death .. but they did not ask any questions .. peculiar now I think about it again ... mostly social worker people love asking questions hmmm ...

@SwearyCyn your statement is helping me get firmer resolve on managing things ... thanks