How much and what should we disclose to our loved ones

hello @Former-Member

This is a good question and the answer might not be the same for everyone.

Do you have a professional counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist with whom you have regular appointments.

This is a question I would be asking a specialist who knows you and your history, your illness.

You really need to be careful in how you approach this even though you want to be honest with your family.

It may even be suggested that the family have an appointment with you and your specialist so that the specialist gives the details and then they have an opportunity to ask questions. They can also be told that any further questions or concerns they have not to be afraid to approach you. You will be ok with that.

I did not tell my sons. My husband at the time just didnt want to know, thought of me as not being able to cope with life. I only took maternity leave and returned to work part time after having both.

Both of my sons know now and have visited me during my hospital stays.

take care xx

Thanks @Former-Member. Did your sons not ever know when they were growing up? For me I guess I spend days in bed don't cook or clean or wash and they know, but they don't. It is just part of us now....get your own tea tonight is Mums not feeling good. But it isn't ever talked about. My last hospital visit I just found out that they didn't know or get it and now it feels really messy. I think maybe I need to fess up but I'm scared that will cause more distress. Sorry I'm just massively confused and scared.

Hey @Former-Member such a difficult question.

I agree with @Former-Member, is there anyone you can talk this through with?

I think it's different for everyone and it's a very personal choice. I'm incredibly open about my illness but that's not for everyone. None of my friends with complex mental illnesses are anywhere near as open as I am. I guess it depends.

hope you are ok @Former-Member

hello @Former-Member

I understand your grave concerns

I wore a very tightly fitted mask at all times during that period of my life. My illness was major depression though.

In answer to your question did my children know. The first time I was hospitalised was when my older son was two and a half. I spoke about the situation with him when he was four after the birth of my second child. He listened but did not respond. He just walked away and carried on playing. At the time I thought perhaps his not responding was a sign of my failing him. I now think differently. I think that he heard my explanation and that was enough, he did not need to respond. The fact that he went off and played led me to feel this way.

I know that when I finally told my husband our marriage was over, even though we had been discussing such over a 3 year period, or rather he was ranting about it and telling me exactly which belongings he would be taking! I suggested we see a counsellor to help us through the separation. He wasnt interested in continuing to have marriage counselling prior to that and told me that I could keep on going if I wished as he did not have any problems. We did for a while do some things together with our sons, one occasion shopping. When we got back to his home, my separated husband stated that the day had been good, no arguments why didnt we get back together? I looked at him in disbelief and a loud voice from the back of the car responded with NO DO NOT. My older son.

Your situation, as is everyone else's, is unique to your family.

I still feel that it would be better handled in the company of your specialist or at least discussed with your specialist the best way to proceed and how to handle any prospective questions. This of course is my opinion only.Others on here might feel differently.

I agree with the communication side of things, just feel that you need to tread carefully with such a delicate matter.

Once again Teej you are demonstrating how wonderful a mother you are xxx

Hi @Former-Member, @utopia and everyone else on the forum this morning

It can be very hard to decide whether to talk frankly with loved ones about your mental illness, and how you are really feeling. You are worrying about how it will worry them, and whether they will really understand. You do not want to cause them pain or confusion.

It might be important to keep in mind that whilst it can be very positive to open up and reach out to the people close to you, it is also important to take time when making the decision to do this. Family, friends and other loved ones react in ways we cannot control, and may not be aware of how much their reactions affect someone trying to be honest about mental illness. Reactions can include misunderstanding, judgement, dismissal and minimisation, even when a loved one means well.

If you decide to open up with your family about your mental illness and the symptoms you deal with, it may be helpful to have a plan for how you will cope with reactions that are not supportive. Having a safety plan, support person or tool box you can access if this happens is important.

It's so great that there are so many thoughtful responses on here re your question, @Former-Member. I hope you can use these thoughts to move towards your own individual plan.

It is a good topic for me to think about.

In the beginning of mothering I was responsbile for my eldest visiting her seriously mentally ill mother for access, so had to have a few brief conversations with her about it at different ages, (mostly talked about going to Y) ( or being not well) and when she resisted going when she was about 9 we did not insist as they had bonding and well supervised time. I tried to do the best practise of the time and keep it in age appropriate language, but not let it be a weird and scary secret.

Unfortunately with my own biological daughter and I, there was no sensitivity and I was characterised as "crazy" by the father. There were contemptuous looks and rolled eyes and I never heard a "caring explanation" given to my kids. Too much allowance was made for the needs of the first child ... and of my repsonsibility to LOVE both equally .. whatever that meant .. and I became very disturbed and confused about how to deal with it all.

I have only done the "not getting dinner" recently .. as the youngest is well over 21... thats not to say that all my dinners were great .. but I did dish them up.

Empathy for those with mental health issues was an attitude upheld in my marriage environment .. but it seemed I was just seen as a bad person .. not good enough .. there are little treasures I keep from when both the girls were in school .. and made for me as "mother" with appreciation and received with appreciation.

But I myself came to embody too much trauma .. as the deaths kept coming .. I was supported not to take meds by psychiatrists and family therpaists, who I was honest with about my level of distress. Tears just tumbled out for years .. and often I would cry .. have a bruised puffy face and then cook etc .. or do it along with waterworks .. I did start to retire from eating with the kids as it was too hard and I could not manage antsy behaviour anyway.

The oldest occasionally reconnects with her mother but with tones ( complaining about her to me) of a lot of dissatisfaction and contempt.

I guess for us it just means that the "healing" conversations with me may never happen with the girls .. or I will just have to wait a very long time. With my son .. it was different again.

It wasnt a question of "disclosure" as such. I have said "sorry" a lot ...and meant it .. It is important to speak to the emotional truths that form the basis of children's lives. Respite was suggested once to me .. but it was after I had known the therapists for 5 years .. and as the children and seen far far too much by then anyway .. I did not accept it as I thought I was deserting "my post". The girls were assessed as very resilient and high functioning so I guess the assumption by all .. was that they had enough positive handling and experiences and enough truth about the important issues to make sense of their worlds.

Your situation is unique to you @Former-Member Your children are a lot older when the issues emerged.

"should" is a term that always needs to be teased out with respect to specific circumstances.