I hate me

Hi,

Started to come to a realisation that maybe I hate me, maybe all my life. ie, Self-loathing is me.

Excuse my french but here is what I believe my life story is in summary:

"My family f*cked me, then I f*cked my family and now I'm being f*cked (punished)".

(this is often what I remind myself IS my life story - I even sing about it! - I'm so f*cked up!!

Would LOVE to drop dead right NOW to finish all this endless torment in my head!

I am safe and have NO plans to finish me and I have promised my wife I WILL NOT end my life by my own hand - so all is well in that area. I'm seeing a GP and pych - and I'm sharing my "stuff" here - which helps!?

How do I start valuing, loving me when ALL I CAN SEE is "I was told I was sh*t (emotional/verbal/physical abuse) from as far back as I can remember, I passed on my sh*t to my family (who loved me and I stuffed it up) and now I'm still a sh*t sitting in MORE sh*t of my own making? A polished sh*t is still a sh*t!! Looking back I see so much of my life was covering the sh*t - class clown, funny man at social events, funny man out front (performing). Laughter, laughter, laughter but really lies, lies, lies covering up the "real" me. Who is the real me? - sick of that question to...........

So sick of being "me" - so sick of "wingeing", so sick of years of "aha" if I do this or that t-h-e-n I'll feel better. It always seems I'll never get it right and I'll always come back to "I'm f*cked, I'm sh*t, I'm nothing, I'm not needed" and I will never amount to anything of value to anyone including myself. Around, around and around I go....

Sorry for the stuff above but that's where I'm at - and as I said the above will probably never change, anyway......

Getting2