I hate me

Hello @Getting2

It sounds like you have been going through a pretty tough time lately, I am glad you are linked in with a psych to help get some support. You are very insightful as to how your family has affected you and how this has made you treat others which might not be helpful in feeling better about yourself and the choices you have made in your life. This insight is a great thing.

You sound like you are at a stage where you are wanting to start focusing on how to start valuing yourself, can I ask what are some things that you value in your life, like things that you enjoy doing, this may give you some insight into possibly what you can value within yourself?

You said you have a wife, and you care about her a lot, this means that you are a caring and kind person which is something to start valuing within yourself. How do you feel about that?

Lunar

hello @Getting2

welcome to here.

I have been on here for about a month now.

I have major depression and anxiety. The depression part goes back to when I was quite young.

For me the self loathing didnt appear or I wasnt aware of it until I started having treatment with a psycotherapist. It slowly rose to the surface in tiny bits as I had buried it for so long and so deeply.

I'm not sure how long you have felt this anger about yourself and whether or not it started that way or eventuated.

For me the self-loathing can still come back after all this time and that is because of external circumstances piling up, one after another after another after another.

It has taken me a very long time to reach the stage that I am aware that I am doing this to myself. It is not nice feeling this way or even thinking about it. The horrid feelings relate to the memory when you first were hurt. So be gentle with yourself. You have mental wounds that need some help to heal.

You are at that stage of feeling self loathing now and you are opening up and talking about those horrid feelings on here. Brilliant! gasp you are thinking. she must be nuts! what i am trying to say in my way, which is the way my head works when i am not feeling well, is that you are letting all of those horrid feelings come to the surface and as awful and painful as they are, that is far healthier than pushing them back down and burying them.

I acknowledge that the road is rough and you are very, very brave. keep on writing about your stuff on here. vent. i have written essays on here.

I do think that it would be good for you to seek some professional help with this. This will not only help you, but also your family whom you love very much and want to protect. They love you the same and are hurting seeing you hurt. They want you to get better. They do not want to lose you.They love you. Please do not lose that thought and see your doctor to get referred to a specialist.

safe journey

Ditto all the above.

i tried affirmations and all that from the eighties. Temporary bandaid to self loathing.

what really worked to bring about change for me was this book: " Self-Compassion", Kristen Neff. (Available as Kindle on Amazon)

also, there is a free audio series of discussions at sounds true.com called "The Self Acceptance Project". Kristen Neff is one of the contributors. Worth a look if you're not a bookish person.

we self-haters can tend to jump over examining our own dark sides with curious compassionate acceptance that we have some ugly sh** inside us like all human beings and go straight to self loathing and beating ourselves up for having the sh** in the first place. The book teaches a pathway for learning to accept ourselves, junk and all, and begin to love every part of ourselves. It changes everything.

hope you find this helpful.

😢

Thank you for your warm and insightful replies, it all helps, thanks with great appreciation. I know it's been a long time between replies, no offense intended, sometimes I just don't like computers and just cannot "speak"..............however I'm managing to reply now.

I can't believe how incrediability unhelpful my self talk is - so often now and also in the past - and how it has pushed my wife and adult children away and yet they (especially my wife) are my main support group - go figure......

It has been a Godsend and a huge learning curve to try, try and try again to battle my horrid self talk with a growing ability (very, very small baby steps) to "turn around" my non effective self talk into effective self talk ie, I was and will always be a bad husband - NO I am much nicer to live with now, I cook nice dinners, sometimes I did and do surprise my wife with flowers or a thanks for "hanging in there with me" card, sometimes I now do her washing (I don't separate the colours but don't tell her that!), in the past I would have special alone times with our children and today I show (and keep reminding them) that I love them - no matter what.............

Professional guidance and meds have helped immensely to litterally "wake me up" to "see" what's been happening.

Now I'm trying to see that maybe there is a way out of this hell (Strained marriage, Chronic pain, Depression, Anxiety, LOUD Tinnitus, feeling useless, self loathing, expensive meds and, at this stage, unforseeable and unworkable employment).

One thing, that is good, is I'm finally starting to see the horror I've caused and see how my family have suffered (more pain for me but I believe I have to face up to it and making sure I'm moving forward and not majoring/wallowing in the past - the past can't be changed BUT RIGHT NOW I CAN DECIDE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH WHATEVER I'M DOING OR WITH WHOEVER I'M WITH - I ONLY HAVE NOW!!).

Sometimes I think a positive outcome would be that one day I would be able to speak publically about my "challenges" in the hope of giving other survivors hope and loved ones understanding of mental illness. (I have for many years had a love for public speaking where I always tried to "know" the audience - see/connect/empathise and encourage - sometimes with a sense of humour). But for the moment "my nerve" is still growing back from fragile to better.

Thank you for your love and concerns. I love you all and hope for better days ahead for us all.

Regards Getting to.