Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

How do I let people know I need space sometimes without offending them?

KirSa_EnigmASenior Contributor23 Jan 2024, 7:43 pm AEDT

How do I let people know I need space sometimes without offending them?

So... for whatever reason, I tend to have a stunted ability to shed stress and it leads me to have an 'episode' pretty much every 4-6 weeks. People, noise, distraction, complexity, duty/obligation, responsibility, etc. Just day to day stuff most people take in their stride... seems to add up for me and eventually I get very irritable, angry, stressed (shaking, nauseous, pacing, very busy head, etc), and it's a quick spiral downwards from there.

I am working with my counsellor to try and get some space before I get to this state of overwhelm.

She's suggested a code word or something I can use to communicate to my partner that I need to just pull back for a while and get my head right. She suggested a colour code like: "Today is a blue day" or "I'm feeling red" but I said it sounds too much like kindergarten! (And I hate trying to sum up a whole day into one rating too... mood diaries suck for this reason.... anyway!)

I've suggested something like: "I've got to go work on my project" - which is subtle enough to be spoken when others are about too, but not something I'd say normally so won't be confused.

So... while my partner wants to support me any way she can, she's afraid:

1. She's causing me to need a break from her specifically (I don't have really anyone else in my life).

2. We won't have much time together any more if I'm always away working on myself. (We live separately and she works a lot)

3. She's worried I'll just go off the rails anyway and now it's a free pass. (I've explained the intent is to get the space before I find space in an unhealthy way... but I guess there's a lack of trust there too.)

I tend to be very highly engaged with people when I'm with them. I'm switched on and elevated.. hyper vigilant and aware... protective and concerned... fun and entertaining (we have 2 young teen kids who are amazing and I just love to be stupid fun and they respond so well when they can play without worry that stupid adults are around. I have no problem being a kid again haha!)

For weeks I can go... an absolute master. Job, home, relationships, heck... start a business... join the gym... help a friend through a tough spot... but the intensity is just too much and I become swamped. Overcommitted.

So, I need a way to preempt this and finding the space first seems like a good strategy.

But how on earth do I switch my phone off and disappear for a few days now and then without having someone put up missing persons posters!?

~ K

3 replies

1 - 3 of 3

In response to: How do I let people know I need space sometimes without offending them?

amber22Senior Contributor24 Jan 2024, 12:56 pm AEDT

Re: How do I let people know I need space sometimes without offending them?

Hey there! @KirSa_EnigmA

I really like the idea of having a code word or phrase that you can say to yourself or your partner/ close friends or family so that they are aware of how you're feeling. It can be difficult needing some space away from everything, but honouring that is really important to make sure that you don't reach that point of distress or overwhelm.

I see that your partner might be a bit worried when you do need this space and you're not sure how to navigate it - have you spoken to them about why you need the time and space to yourself? It might be worth reassuring them that it doesn't have anything to do with your feelings towards them, but more that it is just a personal thing that you need in order to be a better partner and show up better for others in your life too? This might be helpful with your other relationships in your life if your friends and family also get worried about you when you need a few days away from everything.

I hope this was helpful,

I'm here if you needed a chat and I'm sitting with you,

Amber22

In response to: Re: How do I let people know I need space sometimes without offending them?

KirSa_EnigmASenior Contributor24 Jan 2024, 1:54 pm AEDT

Re: How do I let people know I need space sometimes without offending them?

Hi @amber22,

Yes I've had a chat with her about this and she's aware of my reasoning and intent with the space. She gets it, but I get the feeling she's like: "More time apart? I don't get to see you enough as it is!" So... reason and intent is one thing, but she has needs to feel like the relationship is meaningful too. Anyway... I've let her know that I also want this to work for her, so any adjustments we need to make we can try. No point fixing my shit and making a whole new mess! 😅

I don't really have any other friends or family I don't already have space from.

~ K

In response to: How do I let people know I need space sometimes without offending them?

AsgardSenior Contributor31 Jan 2024, 11:42 am AEDT

Re: How do I let people know I need space sometimes without offending them?

Hi @KirSa_EnigmA

Thanks for that post, and I can really identify with you regarding having to have "me" time. From reading your post, I feel that you take to much upon yourself to do, which happens in my case -- and maybe you put too much of yourself into those tasks. I know that that wqs my problem, I couldnt leave work at work , and all the stress came home with me. I really endorse everything that @amber22 said, and it sounds like your partner understands.

Maybe try letting some things go, distance yourself from jobs, try not to become too involved.

All the very best

1 - 3 of 3