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Corinna1New Contributor
I spent a year single trying to look after myself after many back to back relationships.
I met someone and really thought it was different/ thought he was the one.
Now one year later the idealisation phase is over and the devaluation phase is here and I've broken up with him. How can I stop this cycle? Am I picking bad men or are my expectations too high? How can I stop this?
In response to: How can I stop the BPD relationship cycle?
espressologicSenior Contributor
Hi @Corinna that sounds really disappointing. It can be really exhausting when you're stuck in cycles of relationships that don't work for you, and you're left questioning your choices. But the positive thing here is that you are recognising that there is a pattern, which means that there is going to be a way for you to figure this out.
It's great first up that you took that year out to focus on yourself without being in a relationship - how did you find that?
As for your main question, is there a way for you to think back over your relationships, with the benefit of hindsight, and think about that idealisation phase - was there anything you learned or experienced later that was there at the start, that perhaps you pushed aside?
It sounds like you know what idealisation feels like - is there a way for you to recognise you're in that phase as it is just starting to emerge when you meet a new person? Could you take a step back at that point?
A lot of questions in there, but I think you will be able to work through this in time, as hard and frustrating as it seems right now. It could be a mixture of the people you're attracting and your expectations, depending on the situation. If you wanted to talk through an example in this thread and get advice from others in the community that might be a good place to start if you're comfortable.
In response to: Re: How can I stop the BPD relationship cycle?
Corinna1New Contributor
Thank you. Being single for a year was hard but I needed it. I used a support group to get me through. I did know that I was in the idealisation phase but I love it and find it addictive. It's true that I overlooked some warning signs of controlling behaviour thinking I could accept it because I'm also controlling in my own way. Being uncertain at times of my core values and allowing them to shift leads me to find it difficult to pinpoint what I'll be able to tolerate I suppose.
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