Trying to outline solid boundaries

Hi @Former-Member

It was interesting that your younger son can recognise the different parenting styles between you and your husband. Eventually your older son might realise it too, and not just in a way to remain dependent on father for hand-outs.

Try and detach from the competition when he sets parents against each other. I have put up an internal wall about it and mentioned it to my son... that I will always support his right to have a relationship with his father .. but that it is different to being played off against each other. .. I wont call out each example of it .. as he now knows my position .. but as he matures he is doing it less.

That is the part I have finally let go of .. not my children .. but the "love" competitions .. which we all know are not a part of real love .. but often a part of life.

hello@appleblossom

Yes I understand what you are saying. I have always made it clear to both of them if they try the running down the other parent i wont listen and that they need to stop. They usually do. My younger son does have a better understanding of our different parenting styles and also how different we are in approaching situations, our difference in communication.

My older son has not matured in all aspects of his personality and often reverts to blaming. He has several times asked me why on earth I married his dad. My answer was we were both young and as we grew older we grew apart, our ideals and interests are so very different. We clearly could not be happy together and I said to both of my sons its was important to me that they see me as being happy.

Yes my older son reacts, blames, some of this is as a result of the two different styles of parenting I am sure, some of it is him, some of it was and is early signs of his illness.

I can only move forward now. I have asked his dad to keep in touch and let me know when and if he hears from my son and I will do likewise. We are united in helping our son to the best of our ability and also to the extent that he will allow us to and also accept that he is unwell and accepts help. Then the situation will improve.

I am feeling angry at the moment, a lot of that is from the way I have been treated by people in health organisations, yesterday work corporation saga.

My sister for the last twelve months has been having test after test for her heart. finally after an ablation surgery she has some success. She had so many other operations in the last 5 years it has been unbelievable. Now my husband is going down that track and we have to go to the hospital again tomorrow for him to have another CT scan.

I am struggling smiling but have not stopped trying.

All of us on here have our own burdens, struggles and most of us do manage to get through until the next pile comes along.

I bought the book Transformation Soup -Healing for the splendidly imperfect - am enjoying reading a few pages at a time.

Ok so updates of all this rubbish it helps me deal with the madness that sometimes feels like it is sufforcating me.

I dont regret or second guess myself when it comes to telling the truth about how my mothers behoviour has such negative impacts on all people around her and I wrote because my mum will not talk and listen she yells at and over you so that you have no choice but to say whatever and leave.

What has left me I guess bewildered is how quickly my sister has jumped back into her usual relationship with both of my parents. The developments since my letter were recieved are mum threw her usual tantrum which I expected but hoped wouldnt happen and she would do some serious self reflection and possibly give dad the strength he needs to stand up and tell mum that she cant go on the way she has. Instead it has given both my parents a total and utter hate for me. They believe now that I am the one who needs to see a proffesional as I have some serious issues with story telling. They never want to lay eyes on me again I am offically cut off. I can live with that as for me they made my decision for me and in doing so have given me an easy way out of their little circle of what I now call hell. but now my parents now think this is a game. They have told anyone who will listen we will see now who is left alone because of her behaviour. Infront of my brother they do what he asks them to. My brother has told them that my letter while he believes was a little harsh is very true and they need to change and apologise for what they have done to my sister, myself and my daughters, but all they heard was my letter was vile. They also went to my sister who mum started all of this with and was the cause for me to be firm and send the letter with clear boundaries, and said they dont want to fight with her but proceeded to demand that my sister tell them how bad I am for telling them they are bad parents but because they didnt get what they wanted they walked out on my sister. Only to come back 2 hrs later apologising to her because my brother had rang and told them off.

Do they not see that they arent being parents they are being babies whose children are not only parenting them but counciling as well.

It is all so messed up and I am questioning my own sanity right now as putting this all on paper just makes me see how ridiculous this all is but I feel powerless to make it any better as this is their circle of life they are always whirling in and sucking us into if we arent strong enough to pull ourselves out of.

What it has left me struggling to deal with is 1. the lies they keep telling about me to discredit me and also now my children and husband. I am struggling to ignore their venomous stories and move on when all I want to do is say see this is what I mean you cant go telling lies to make yourself look good and contiuously take steps to destroy me and now also my children.

My eldest daughter is a muddled mess as one minute they are sweet talking her and she is angry with me then the next she is angry at them and their behaviour and runs to my arms crying. My middle daughter is so angry that they have pursecuted her for no reason other than she was there and heard everything at the very begining of this particular episode and has told the truth about what has gone on. Because that is not what my mum wants to hear she wants my middle girl to follow what she says is the truth mum has now discounted her as her grandchild and bought my eldest and my youngest presents for christmas and refuses to acknowledge my middle daughter. I dont think its right for my other 2 children to accept anything form them now.

and

2 How easy it was for my sister to fall back into her same pattern with them. If her and mum didnt create this storm I would never have needed to clearly out line my boundaires. Now I am the bad guy while my sister walks off with all the sorries and caring in the world.

Please someone tell me that I am not loosing myself here. It is all so typical of them to behave like this and contiue to manipulate till they get what they want but I am feeling so alone and hurt that I am the one putting up the strong lines and being pursecuted by all for it. There is no discussion as why I felt I had to write to them just complete and utter disconnection. They believe they are right and be damed to anyone who disagrees with them.

Funny I have just read through this post and it has just made me see how I am on the outside looking in going thank goodness I havent been caught but feeling sorry for those that are sucked back into it.

Hello @denial,

Wow thank you for sharing all of that, it must be so hard for you to be going through all of that as like you said there are so many people involved. It really seems like you are being the adult in the situation and taking a much needed step back which is hard but also seeing that is helpful and what is needed right now.

Your last paragraph really outlined that to me that yes, understandably you care for those who are caught up in it all and as you have taking that step back and enforcing that boundary you are being targeted but that is possibly because you were strong and did that for yourself and your children, which the others may take that on too one day but maybe they aren't ready yet.

It sounds like it's a matter of sticking to this boundary and looking after yourself and checking in on those you feel need it when you are emotionally able to, as you don't want to burn yourself out.

You also mentioned feeling powerless, which taking control in what ever way you can will help to make you feel more in control, you can't control their behaviours but you can control when and how you communicate with them and see them, empowering you to be stronger.

It also seems like your sister may also be struggling with a sense of powerless and has fallen back into old ways as this is what she knows, she may just not feel ready to step back and wishes she could like you have. You should be really proud of yourself for having that insight and taking that courageous step out of an unhelpful situation or pattern of behaviours within the family. This can be really challenging so just try to stay strong.

Do what is right for you as this is your life, please look after yourself and keep sharing we are here for you 🙂

Lunar

Hello @denial xx

thank you for sharing all of that,

I agree with what @Former-Member, @Newwave, @Former-Member, @Appleblossom have all said

my 4 step children have had huge issues with their real mother

so they ring their dad up ( my hubby who has MI ) to talk to him all about it which has been very upsetting for him to hear about it all , he tries not to say too much

he loves to say things but he doesn`t because she is still their mother , and he lets to children work it out on their own

Don`t get me wrong , if they ask him a question about something , he will tell them

This is what my own mum did for me about my dad ,and in the end it was my dad that messed up our daughter and father relationship

sending you hugs my friend

keep in touch