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Trying to outline solid boundaries

denialContributor10 Dec 2016, 10:13 pm AEDT

Trying to outline solid boundaries

I have just written and posted a letter to my mum. I have outlined why she has upset me and clearly outlined some boundaries. I have also pointed out to her some of her behaviors that have caused us to get to this point.
I feel fine about the letter and the posting. But I am a little concerned with a few family members who may think I have gone to far and think i have quite possibly made mum worse which means they are to deal with her.
I wasn't second guessing anything and I know I can not allow mum to hurt my sea or my children anymore but I didn't want to upset my brother or anyone else when I put words on paper and sent my letter. Especially when it is what all of us say to each other all the time. Will they be upset because I am strong enough to lay my boundaries because I find that so unfair.
Can anyone give me any words of wisdom that may help me to stay strong with all of this.
Now I am nervous that I will be excluded from them all because they are scared to deal with mum and her anger.

17 replies

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In response to: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Unknown userMember10 Dec 2016, 11:10 pm AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

hello @denial

not sure if you communicate well with the rest of the family you are referring to or not.

if you can invite them or meet somewhere for a chat and show them a copy of what you have written to your mum explaining your reasons why. out of necessity. not to upset anybody. basically to outline solid boundaries as the time has come to do this to avoid something awful happening.

you have to think of your family first. avoiding the issue does not help in the long run only makes matters far more difficult to deal with.

your family should be thankful that you have made the move.

if they cant see it that way that is their choice. you cant control that. you must live your life the way you choose.

good luck and well done for doing what you wanted to do . take care

In response to: Trying to outline solid boundaries

denialContributor11 Dec 2016, 2:45 am AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Hi @Former-Member
I do get along with all that Im worried about upsetting and I do intend for them to read the letter. I think I just got a little shaken by the reaction from my brother inlaw. But if I put it into perspective my mum makes him very nervous so I guess that he would worry about mums reaction and the repercussions of what my words would do. I just dont want to loose my whole family as mum will demand everyone cuts me or suffer her rath. However like you said yes I do have to protect my own family first. That is a little harder to do now they are adults. My eldest at 24 is easily drawn into my mothers world because mum doesn't show her true self in front of her. That is why I have held off for so long because being in the circle I can sheild her from mum if necessary because my girl doesn't see any bad in anyone ever and makes excuses for things she sees. But mum has started to verbally attack my second daughter. Mum has tried to divide my girls by telling my eldest how bad her sister treats her. Mum says she is rude and hateful to her thus insighting my eldest girls feels of sympathy. I do explain to my eldest that mum is not telling her the truth and it can sometimes end in us clashing.
I had a very hard decision to make with writing the letter. I have had to allow my girl to be the adult she is and realize that I wont be able to protect her if she doesn't want me too. I just didnt want my kids having to go through want I have over the years it a mother instinct for me to protect at all cost.
Mum can be a nice person but this monster keeps rearing it ugly head more and more often and it is hard to deal with some days.
Mental illness is so hard to all involved the sufferers and all in their innner circle.
Thanks for your encouragement @Former-Member it helps to know that I'm not alone.

In response to: Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Unknown userMember11 Dec 2016, 2:17 pm AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

hello @denial

it is never easy when family is involved especially if there are whispering walls.

your daughters are adults. they love you and trust you.

they are dealing with the issue of your mum in their way and only they can do that for themselves. as hard as that is being a mum to step back.

small steps for yourself. as others have said to me wrap yourself in a soft doona.

standing up for what you believe, standing by your values is a very lonely feeling, the outcome is not as important sometimes as the action itself if that makes sense.

you are being true to yourself. well done

i have been down this track with my husbands family. the majority of them dont like to see that strength, cant cope with it in fact so the whispering wall starts. i am true to myself.

thinking of you . take care friend.

In response to: Trying to outline solid boundaries

denialContributor11 Dec 2016, 6:43 pm AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Hi @Former-Member <br>It sure is a lonely branch on your own. I have just this afternoon spoken with my brother and it didnt go so well. He told me that it is the worst thing I could have done and perhaps I should have thought before I acted. He said she will not be happy to be told off and that I have involved myself now. <br>He could not understand no matter how hard I tried to explain to him mum doesn't allow a non inflammatory situation with us girls. She pushes and pushes. He thinks I will regret my actions. I really cant bring myself to feel anything but relief for finally looking out for me. If I have to loose other people who aren't strong enough to stand up and say no then so be it. It will just hurt a little along the way. But that is all part of life and healing myself .<br>Hey what doesn't---- you makes you stronger right.<br>@mohill your kind words are really helpful thank you.

In response to: Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Unknown userMember11 Dec 2016, 10:25 pm AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

hello again @denial

you are at the hard part now. you have done what should have been done as a group but the others werent up to it. You have done it on your own.

There could be a little bit of guilt on their part because you have shown the courage to put your words into action they haven't. So their reaction is to tell you that you have messed up that way they justify their own feelings of not facing facts.

it is never easy to stand up to a family member, tough love, because of the very fact that you still love them, you just dont like and will not accept their behaviour any more.

i would just let the rest of them go on with their whispering walls.

Your girls will see that you are the brave one who took the step forward to make the situation better. they might be slightly influenced at first by other family members, but once they have weighed everything up in their own minds and come to their own decisions without being influenced by others they will see how strong you are.

As mothers, maternal instinct kicks in for most of us, we do the best we can for our children but there comes a time when we have to step back and let them learn about life on their own, in their own way.

this is part of a struggle i am having with my adult son. His father and I divorced long ago never agreed on discipline, how to raise them etc. his idea was buy buy buy, materialism. mine was about basics, play in the mud, get dirty, get paint on you. when you disobeyed consequences came into force. his father never followed through so there was conflict and even today as adults we still both treat them in our own way. actuallly both sons laugh about it with me now because they see the difference.

the older one has been out of contact for 3-4 days, he has left the state. he is unwell and i have been ringing everywhere under the sun to get help to find him. his dad sent me a text message tonight, son rang up; sounded ok, just needs money so he can get by until pay day on saturday. so he has sent him money.

i havent responded yet. i have been through every emotion possible in these last days, worrying that he is so unwell that how can he look after himself, where is he staying, is he eating, has he been robbed and so on and on. i dont feel that just sending him money is the answer. i need to know where he is. his illness will get worse. i dont want to hear about it when it is too late.

so now i am filled with guilt because my values tell me that he needs to let us know where he is what his intentions are not just keep asking for money.

i am the bad mother, the crazy witch as he called me last.

In response to: Trying to outline solid boundaries

denialContributor12 Dec 2016, 1:24 am AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Hi @Former-Member
I can understand your worry. Our kids will forever be a source of worry. That is what a good loving caring mother or father for tjat matter does. Not being on the same page with the other parent must be very difficult. I know myself that my values for my kids as they grow up were similar to yours. My mothers materialism with things only for herself really showed me how damaging it can be to a person and I steered well away.
You really can't be a bad mother and a witch like he said if all you do is offer unconditional love. Maybe one day your son will see just how lucky he is to have a mother that loves him. Its all I could ever hope for he really doesn't understand how lucky he is.
I hope he comes to you for help before his illness gets to bad.
Letting go is so hard. Stay strong you can get through to a brighter future.

In response to: Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Unknown userMember12 Dec 2016, 10:59 am AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

hello @denial

i cant let go i dont think i ever will be able to. i have carried his pain since he was little. It is a part of me. i just want him back and i know that he is so ill i am not going to ever get him back. this breaks my heart. i have to hide it though, put that flipping mask on very tightly for the sake of my other son , my husband and my family.

In response to: Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Unknown userMember13 Dec 2016, 11:05 am AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

just re-read my post and it is not 3-4 days it is 10 days, 11 days today since I have heard from him. He wont ring or text me while his father is sending money.

In response to: Trying to outline solid boundaries

denialContributor14 Dec 2016, 12:45 am AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Hi @Former-Member
Sorry its took so long to reply. Thats a hard thing to have to deal with. How old is your son? You really need to look after yourself so you are good to go when your son needs you because he will.
Stay strong.

In response to: Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

Unknown userMember14 Dec 2016, 11:11 am AEDT

Re: Trying to outline solid boundaries

thank you @denial

he is 37 although not as mature in all aspects of his personality.

yes i am having many conversations with myself and also am seeing a psychologist on the 20th of this month re better understanding of paranoid schizophrenia and skills to use in my contact with my son as well as for me.

I am feeling a whole range of emotions and am slowly working through them all.

I wish you well in your endeavour. Be true to yourself is my motto.

have a calming holiday break.

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