If I don't share I will burst

I am really not well, but that’s nothing out of the ordinary. I don’t have much hope for myself for the future as I no longer want to work anymore, I actually think that I can’t manage. I have lost every one of my 20 plus jobs due to mental health episodes and I can’t take the shame of it anymore. Every time I gain new employment, another chance to start again, I try so hard to keep myself together. I work incredibly hard because I know my mental health will destroy my life once again at any time. I am not feeling sorry for myself, it is a fact that I have lost every single job I have ever had, no matter how amazing it was and it is because of my mental health.

I love working, but I just don’t have it in me to lose another job this way. It's shameful.

I have worked my ass off at uni especially on my placements and I was so proud of myself. Three quarters of the way through my degree, I have a mental health episode in front of my lecturers. I was told by them that it would not be safe for me to look after patients and that I will probably not get my registration. But even if I did, my mental health would be a major red flag that would follow me my entire career. I no longer want to study anymore.

I have no friends. The friends I used to have are all gone, busy with their little families, I get the feeling they don’t want me around their kids or just don’t know what to say to me anymore. Even if some from years ago asked me out for coffee, it would be too painful to hear about their lives with their kids and husband. In two years, I have tried numerous times to reach out to one old single friend to see if she wanted to catch up, she cancels every single time. I have no one I can socialise with, and no one I can share anything with.

I have destroyed every romantic relationship I have had due to my mental health. I have lost so much. Not only do I lose amazing companionship with beautiful souls, I lose the future of my own family. I have ended up alone and I don’t trust myself to be in another relationship because I know like all before now, that it will end with deep pain, permanent grief, and loneliness.

I always wanted my own family, but I can never achieve this. It would be selfish and incredibly unfair of me.

I have tried travelling to fill the void, but my sadness follows me everywhere I go. I have lost any hope or purpose that I had for my life and there is no longer any meaning to it anymore.

So, I have given up, I have nothing left to give and I no longer want anything for my life. I stay in bed all day, I go days without food because I forget to eat, and I have absolutely checked out mentally. I just wish I was never born. But I need to see out this life, so I don’t hurt my immediate family. Even though they have all but washed their hands of me due to my solitary and remote lifestyle.

I am not feeling sorry for myself, I am being honest and practical. It’s not like I don’t try to get better. I have spent my whole f!@#$%g life managing the heaviness of my mind. I have honestly tried so hard, as though my life depended on my ability to get better. And it has at times. I have tried with all my heart to try and have a beautiful life. I comply with all my mental health professionals; over a massive number of years, I have practised self-care and self-compassion stringently. Nature, meditation, exercise. I could go on and on.

But no matter what, I destroy everything that gets too close to me, and because of this I now hate myself deeply.